Parenting with a severely depressed spouse

[Anonymous]

My wife has always suffered from depression but until we had children she was what I was considered a high functioning depressed person. She was very successful in her career and was the main breadwinner. She was always high achieving and the depression would last a week or so mostly in the winter but never really affected how she functioned.

When we had our first she developed extremely bad PPD. She basically would not get out of bed and we really struggled. I took on 99% of the responsibility and our DD was one before she’d go to counseling and stay medicated. Things improved. I did not think a second child was going to happen and felt like that was the best decision. However she was doing well and we mutually decided to go for a second child but with the knowledge that she’d probably develop PPD again and that we needed to start treatment as soon as possible.

The pregnancy and birth of our second child was traumatic. She had horrible morning sickness and had an emergency c-section that was very painful. Her birth recovery took months. Things were way worse than they were with our first and her depression came back with a vengeance. We barely made it to our seconds child’s birthday and I got a vasectomy when he was 6-months-old. Our second child was very fussy and nursing wouldn’t work.

We are now at a point where my children are 6&3 and I’m drowning. I’ve tried everything to get my wife help but she’s so deep down in the hole she won’t put forth any effort anymore. We’ve had to put both children in daycare a few years ago because they were not getting adequate care with my wife staying at home.

I’m the sole provider making barely 80k a year. She refuses to go back to work, and I do feel like once she has had the structure back and feels like she’s doing something worthwhile she’ll be in a better headspace. We also wouldn’t be struggling as much as we are financially at the moment. She is in bed 80% of the time and does nothing around the house. I’ve struggled with depression before so I empathize but at this point I’m at my wits end.

I know this is not my wife. She’s a shell of herself and she can’t dig herself out and I don’t know what else I can do. My children are suffering but I love her so much I can’t abandon her and just jump ship because things are so hard. I also feel guilt about causing the intense depression by having children.

Our family, aside from her mother, do not know how bad it is. We’ve driven away all our friends because I’m so paranoid of their suspicions.

I’m at a loss and looking for a lifeline. I want to go to therapy to help myself but I just don’t have the time or money.

Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

First she needs a physical and bloodwork to test for hypothyroidism. Symptoms of hypo-thyroidism (underactive thyroid, very common in women) can masquerade as, or aggravate depression. My depressive best friend was diagnosed with a new, more severe, depressive episode but she was actually struggling with thyroid issues. It took months to figure out and in the meantime she spiraled into a similar situation.

If that's all clear, she needs to see a different psychiatrist, and maybe two others, to get fresh perspectives on her new and severe symptoms.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to say - do not drive away your friends, idiot!

They can help! They can entice your wife away from home, with offers of tea or dinners, or museums or movies, fun things to get her away from herself. She NEEDS emotional support from everybody. There is no shame in depression or whatever else she's suffering from.

[Anonymous]

She needs more effective help ASAP. Can a crisis response team help?

[Anonymous]

She needs a physical and a complete psych eval. There are options for depression that severe, and you need to identify what they are and go from there. You can (hopefully) help her, but you've also got to prioritize your children here. It's not fair to them to have one parent so depressed and the other drowning. Contact your local chapter of NAMI for help, too, and see what local, low-cost resources are available.

If there are friends you can trust, reach out to them. You need more help, not less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs more effective help ASAP. Can a crisis response team help?

+1

In bed 80 percent of the time sounds like someone who possibly needs immediate inpatient treatment. I would contact her main dr. first thing tomorrow and be extremely frank about how she is totally debilitated. She is living in bed, OP. She may need a substantial stay in a psychiatric hospital. If her doctor says no, does the doctor actually get that she does not leave the bed?

It sounds as if she would not voluntarily check into a hospital and you may have to find a doctor who would commit her involuntarily--?

OP, I'm so sorry because this falls on you in ways that would break her heart if she were well enough to be aware but she is not aware and not doing this on purpose. Please, as a PP said, friends are key. Do your friends know how very sick she is? Is there any friend close enough that he or she can watch the kids while you try to get crisis help?

[Anonymous]

And you need to take care of you too. Can her Mom come help? I am so sorry your family is suffering, talk to your friends let some light in. People will care.

[Anonymous]

18:16 again, and you need to reframe this issue: if she were debilitated in bed following surgery or a major accident or a neurological disease, would you shy away from help or make excuses? Probably not. Depression is a disease the same as any other. Please don't let stigma and shame keep you from caring for your children and trying to get your wife the help she needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:16 again, and you need to reframe this issue: if she were debilitated in bed following surgery or a major accident or a neurological disease, would you shy away from help or make excuses? Probably not. Depression is a disease the same as any other. Please don't let stigma and shame keep you from caring for your children and trying to get your wife the help she needs.

+10000

[Anonymous]

dont have any more children for sure.

[Anonymous]

This sounds really extreme. I would tell her that you can't go on like this, and you need to reach out for help. Or if you think that might trigger suicidal ideation due to her paranoia about how others perceive her, just do it and deal with the fall out after she's gotten the help. I would start with her mother if she's supportive of getting her daughter into a hospital program, and if not, then go to one of your doctors -- your children's ped, her OBGYN, her PC, your PC. Anyone should be able to talk to you about what can be done here.

Also, it's not your fault that she has depression. It's not your kids fault. Don't let your guilt get in the way of taking a step towards a healthier existence for your whole family. At this point, you need to begin making the present more livable in any way you can -- the past is over.

[Anonymous]

There have been a few threads recently posted by women whose husbands have depression.

Typically the advice is that you can't make an adult seek treatment or look after themselves and that you can't sacrifice yourself or your kid happiness in the hopes they will get better. Most people support divorce in this situation. I will link some of the other threads for you

[Anonymous]

My heart goes out to you, OP. I’ve been that low and the only thing to break through was a complete breaking of the pattern, difficult with little kids who need routine. I know it’s not really possible to get friends involved, I also get that, but if there’s someone that doesn’t get deterred by many rejections of their overtures by you and your wife, then they are the ones to allow in on the secret, that has been my experience. They won’t give up on your wife, just as such people didn’t give up on me. Maybe it’s a relative. I was shaken out of it when my brothers wife died and he needed my help to sell his house. It was someone worse off than me, and I only had to load things in boxes, easy work, unlike taking care of children, which is very complex and grueling. Maybe there is someone in your circle who could use her non-parenting skill set?

[Anonymous]

You can get therapy online with Talkspace or something similar. It may not be as good as seeing a therapist face to face, but they are licensed and it will help to at least be able to talk about the issues whenever it's convenient. In case it's seasonal affective disorder, you can get her a "happy light", several options on Amazon. The hormones could be giving her fatigue. Is she willing at all to see a doctor? Even going for a walk will give her some endorphins. Just try to take baby steps. I would not do anything rash like divorce or anything that scares her more, like PPs are suggesting. A mother's helper or housekeeper might lighten the burden some too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can get therapy online with Talkspace or something similar. It may not be as good as seeing a therapist face to face, but they are licensed and it will help to at least be able to talk about the issues whenever it's convenient. In case it's seasonal affective disorder, you can get her a "happy light", several options on Amazon. The hormones could be giving her fatigue. Is she willing at all to see a doctor? Even going for a walk will give her some endorphins. Just try to take baby steps. I would not do anything rash like divorce or anything that scares her more, like PPs are suggesting. A mother's helper or housekeeper might lighten the burden some too.

Baby steps are just that and it sounds as if OP needs instead to get crisis help. As in, getting wife extensive and immediate help from blood work to posdible new meds to talk therapy--in person. Intensive and full-time for a certain period. He needs doctors to send his wife to inpatient care or provide real crisis treatment, more than incremental steps. Walks, light, hormonal testing could all be part of it but this is not something OP should be trying to cobble together bit by bit on his own. His poor DW is non-functional and he's at the end of his rope so he shouldn't be trying to assemble care--that's burning him out already.