Heard from significant ex
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Anonymous
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This is not a big problem, really, but need to unload.
The other night, my friend texted me in just a gossipy way that my high school ex showed up on FB. I looked, friended him. He wrote to me immediately, which I did not really expect. We are mid 40s. He was my first love, ages 16 to 20. Then we were friends, 20-25. Then, we stopped talking after he met his now-wife. I remember he called me and was excited to tell me he knew he would marry her. Then, no more calls. I was little upset at the time, cause I thought I was his best friend and I got cut off just because we used to be together. To be continued .. |
Anonymous
| Are you single now? Is he? |
Anonymous
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In the meantime, I married, divorced, remarried. I am in a very good marriage, we are in love and devoted.
But, the texts from the ex really knocked me over. The conversation was normal, catching up, not inappropiate at all, but all these feelings hit me. The chat continues over 3 days. It was hard getting hit by all the memories, so I told him I can't talk to him regularly, that I didn't want to have to explain it to my husband. Because even though we just chatted, it still felt wrongish. To be continued. |
Anonymous
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Doesn’t sound like anything is wrong.
You friended him. So he messaged you, no surprise there. You thought it would be ok to talk to him, and it was heavier than you expected. So you told him you needed to stop talking. You’re in a committed relationship. You last dated him at age 20. You’re going to not talk to him for a while, get over the idea of him at 20, and maybe or maybe not talk to him gain. Sounds pretty fine |
Anonymous
Ok cool thanks. I thought I was being overly dramatic by saying I could not talk to him, but it was more overwhelming than I thought it would be. |
Anonymous
| Oh, no. |
Anonymous
I’d just keep telling yourself: you’re not into him, you’re into the IDEA of him. You’ve thought about what it would be like to be with him during many past breakups and hard times, and have thought about him for decades. The idea of him is in your head. The person he actually is is probably quite different. Hold on to that idea of him and cherish it. And never connect it to the actual older guy who has lived a separate life from you for years who is a very different person than the guy in your head. |
Anonymous
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OP again. I have read that if you have a situation like this, you tell your partner, to take the power out of it. But, my DH is kinda jealous even when I have not given him a reason to be. So not sure if that is the best idea here.
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Anonymous
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Op again, and it is not that I want this guy, and not that I am unhappy in my current situation -- I am very happy with my DH.
My ex and I broke up at 20 because he was an addict. Now he is not an addict. My brain is doing loops on what we could have been together, had he not been an addict. Because I like who he is. I loved who he was, and I like who he is now (basically, the person he should have been without the drug problems). It is like confronting a ghost. He wanted to marry me badly back then. While I always loved him, his drug use killed the "in love" part. |
Anonymous
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OP, not sure if serious, but—
NO NO NO NO NO. You do NOT like who he is. You don’t know who he is. You only know who he was, and you fantasized about what he could be. You don’t know him. Please don’t inflate your memory of him into anything- just keep it as a nice warm fantasy that isn’t reality. |
Anonymous
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Note “could have been”.
Like PP said: that isn’t reality. It’s in your head. Ditch that right now. If you do go for him, make sure you admit that you’re going for something in your head that may or may not be true for the actual man. |
Anonymous
I wouldn’t be too sure about him not being an addict anymore. Many people are skilled at hiding it, or become dry drunks, or start using again years later. |
Anonymous
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Dang social media strikes again.
You need to delete the chats You need to unfriend him. Stop contacting exes. Stop romanticizing the pass Keep this to yourself and go enjoy your husband |
Anonymous
| I am def not going for him. He has a wife and 2 kids. I have a husband and 2 kids. I am not considering this seriously at all, it is just taking up my brain space. This guy, we grew up together and I loved him so freaking much. Thanks for responses, I just needed to "talk" about it, and not sure I can talk to my DH about it. |
Anonymous
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I understand what you are feeling. Add in the power of “lost youth” - you are in love with the idea of who he was, and who you were all those years ago, too. First love is something that we never forget and carry with us forever.
All that being said, it’s a fantasy. You don’t really know each other. And you are in a real danger zone. This can seriously damage your marriage, and his. You cannot continue this connection without harming your husband and kids, and don’t try to convince yourself that you can. |