How to support DD w/ turmoil at home

[Anonymous]

This is not the place to talk about family issues, but my question ties to soccer. DH and I are going through a really rough patch, maybe heading toward the end of the marriage. My DD loves soccer, lives for it, always has since she started playing at 5 YO. She's pretty darn good too IMHO. She plays on a travel team, practices 3x a week, practices on her own, wants to improve, asks for additional clinics etc. She gets no support from her dad, he doesn't go to games, doesn't take her to practices etc. It gets her down sometimes, she asks me if he's coming to her game every week. I say I don't know, but I know he's not going to. When she asks him if he can come he always has a lame excuse. Sometimes I watch her when she's on the bench and she looks so sad, I know she's thinking about her dad. Even in a middle of a game I see her lose focus and I think it's because she's thinking about him. I'm almost in tears writing this. I've tried to explain to him that he's hurting her, he brushes it off. He's a very selfish person in general, but he was an young athlete through HS and knows the commitment, encouragement, support and dedication needed to succeed, but he doesn't help her in anyway, in fact, he does the opposite. When she goes to him for advise, he will give her a hard world reality basically saying no matter how good you are, there's always someone better, things like that. When he does show up to a game, he will only give her compliments if she scores and awesome goal, or does something he considers amazing. Otherwise, he'll say "that team sucked", that's why you guys won, or "you lost because you're team sucks or you didn't try hard enough". Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advise on how to keep encouraging my DD to reach her potential and despite the negativity from her dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the place to talk about family issues, but my question ties to soccer. DH and I are going through a really rough patch, maybe heading toward the end of the marriage. My DD loves soccer, lives for it, always has since she started playing at 5 YO. She's pretty darn good too IMHO. She plays on a travel team, practices 3x a week, practices on her own, wants to improve, asks for additional clinics etc. She gets no support from her dad, he doesn't go to games, doesn't take her to practices etc. It gets her down sometimes, she asks me if he's coming to her game every week. I say I don't know, but I know he's not going to. When she asks him if he can come he always has a lame excuse. Sometimes I watch her when she's on the bench and she looks so sad, I know she's thinking about her dad. Even in a middle of a game I see her lose focus and I think it's because she's thinking about him. I'm almost in tears writing this. I've tried to explain to him that he's hurting her, he brushes it off. He's a very selfish person in general, but he was an young athlete through HS and knows the commitment, encouragement, support and dedication needed to succeed, but he doesn't help her in anyway, in fact, he does the opposite. When she goes to him for advise, he will give her a hard world reality basically saying no matter how good you are, there's always someone better, things like that. When he does show up to a game, he will only give her compliments if she scores and awesome goal, or does something he considers amazing. Otherwise, he'll say "that team sucked", that's why you guys won, or "you lost because you're team sucks or you didn't try hard enough". Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advise on how to keep encouraging my DD to reach her potential and despite the negativity from her dad?

Sounds like he may still be dealing with issues associated with his childhood sports. It would help him to seek out professional help, someone to talk through those issues.

[Anonymous]

How old is she OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not the place to talk about family issues, but my question ties to soccer. DH and I are going through a really rough patch, maybe heading toward the end of the marriage. My DD loves soccer, lives for it, always has since she started playing at 5 YO. She's pretty darn good too IMHO. She plays on a travel team, practices 3x a week, practices on her own, wants to improve, asks for additional clinics etc. She gets no support from her dad, he doesn't go to games, doesn't take her to practices etc. It gets her down sometimes, she asks me if he's coming to her game every week. I say I don't know, but I know he's not going to. When she asks him if he can come he always has a lame excuse. Sometimes I watch her when she's on the bench and she looks so sad, I know she's thinking about her dad. Even in a middle of a game I see her lose focus and I think it's because she's thinking about him. I'm almost in tears writing this. I've tried to explain to him that he's hurting her, he brushes it off. He's a very selfish person in general, but he was an young athlete through HS and knows the commitment, encouragement, support and dedication needed to succeed, but he doesn't help her in anyway, in fact, he does the opposite. When she goes to him for advise, he will give her a hard world reality basically saying no matter how good you are, there's always someone better, things like that. When he does show up to a game, he will only give her compliments if she scores and awesome goal, or does something he considers amazing. Otherwise, he'll say "that team sucked", that's why you guys won, or "you lost because you're team sucks or you didn't try hard enough". Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advise on how to keep encouraging my DD to reach her potential and despite the negativity from her dad?

How old is she? I've seen a lot of kids from families post-split where one parent is not very supportive and, generally, it seems it's very difficult to overcome. The non-supportive parent doesn't bring the kid to games/practices and/or is likely putting a lot of negative thoughts into their kid's head about their ability, team, etc. The really screwy part is that some non-supportive parents seem to do it to 'get back' at the supportive parent (e.g. the supportive parent made the decision to put them in travel or pays for it, etc.)...so the non-supportive parent sabotages. If your relationship is toxic, the only thing I would recommend is for your daughter to try to make it clear that it is her passion and maybe that can make him realize he needs to be supportive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the place to talk about family issues, but my question ties to soccer. DH and I are going through a really rough patch, maybe heading toward the end of the marriage. My DD loves soccer, lives for it, always has since she started playing at 5 YO. She's pretty darn good too IMHO. She plays on a travel team, practices 3x a week, practices on her own, wants to improve, asks for additional clinics etc. She gets no support from her dad, he doesn't go to games, doesn't take her to practices etc. It gets her down sometimes, she asks me if he's coming to her game every week. I say I don't know, but I know he's not going to. When she asks him if he can come he always has a lame excuse. Sometimes I watch her when she's on the bench and she looks so sad, I know she's thinking about her dad. Even in a middle of a game I see her lose focus and I think it's because she's thinking about him. I'm almost in tears writing this. I've tried to explain to him that he's hurting her, he brushes it off. He's a very selfish person in general, but he was an young athlete through HS and knows the commitment, encouragement, support and dedication needed to succeed, but he doesn't help her in anyway, in fact, he does the opposite. When she goes to him for advise, he will give her a hard world reality basically saying no matter how good you are, there's always someone better, things like that. When he does show up to a game, he will only give her compliments if she scores and awesome goal, or does something he considers amazing. Otherwise, he'll say "that team sucked", that's why you guys won, or "you lost because you're team sucks or you didn't try hard enough". Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advise on how to keep encouraging my DD to reach her potential and despite the negativity from her dad?

How old is she? I've seen a lot of kids from families post-split where one parent is not very supportive and, generally, it seems it's very difficult to overcome. The non-supportive parent doesn't bring the kid to games/practices and/or is likely putting a lot of negative thoughts into their kid's head about their ability, team, etc. The really screwy part is that some non-supportive parents seem to do it to 'get back' at the supportive parent (e.g. the supportive parent made the decision to put them in travel or pays for it, etc.)...so the non-supportive parent sabotages. If your relationship is toxic, the only thing I would recommend is for your daughter to try to make it clear that it is her passion and maybe that can make him realize he needs to be supportive.

agree, I think he does it to get back at me. She's 11, so still very young and impressionable. I try to protect her and my other kids from his negativity as much as possible, but I'm starting to think he's going to kill any chance she might have.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I'd just cut the father off from soccer related stuff for now. Maybe you DD needs to talk to someone, a professional, that will help her past this specific issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not the place to talk about family issues, but my question ties to soccer. DH and I are going through a really rough patch, maybe heading toward the end of the marriage. My DD loves soccer, lives for it, always has since she started playing at 5 YO. She's pretty darn good too IMHO. She plays on a travel team, practices 3x a week, practices on her own, wants to improve, asks for additional clinics etc. She gets no support from her dad, he doesn't go to games, doesn't take her to practices etc. It gets her down sometimes, she asks me if he's coming to her game every week. I say I don't know, but I know he's not going to. When she asks him if he can come he always has a lame excuse. Sometimes I watch her when she's on the bench and she looks so sad, I know she's thinking about her dad. Even in a middle of a game I see her lose focus and I think it's because she's thinking about him. I'm almost in tears writing this. I've tried to explain to him that he's hurting her, he brushes it off. He's a very selfish person in general, but he was an young athlete through HS and knows the commitment, encouragement, support and dedication needed to succeed, but he doesn't help her in anyway, in fact, he does the opposite. When she goes to him for advise, he will give her a hard world reality basically saying no matter how good you are, there's always someone better, things like that. When he does show up to a game, he will only give her compliments if she scores and awesome goal, or does something he considers amazing. Otherwise, he'll say "that team sucked", that's why you guys won, or "you lost because you're team sucks or you didn't try hard enough". Has anyone been through anything like this? Any advise on how to keep encouraging my DD to reach her potential and despite the negativity from her dad?

How old is she? I've seen a lot of kids from families post-split where one parent is not very supportive and, generally, it seems it's very difficult to overcome. The non-supportive parent doesn't bring the kid to games/practices and/or is likely putting a lot of negative thoughts into their kid's head about their ability, team, etc. The really screwy part is that some non-supportive parents seem to do it to 'get back' at the supportive parent (e.g. the supportive parent made the decision to put them in travel or pays for it, etc.)...so the non-supportive parent sabotages. If your relationship is toxic, the only thing I would recommend is for your daughter to try to make it clear that it is her passion and maybe that can make him realize he needs to be supportive.

agree, I think he does it to get back at me. She's 11, so still very young and impressionable. I try to protect her and my other kids from his negativity as much as possible, but I'm starting to think he's going to kill any chance she might have.

If this is about preserving her love for soccer, I think one thing you might pay attention to is identifying a rough equivalent to a supportive father figure, while your daughter is on/near the fields.

In other words, if the affirmation of her own father is what she is missing, it's possible that someone who, in soccer terms, fills that void could help her. A coach or assistant coach could be especially affirming and encouraging if their personality naturally inclines in that direction and they are positively reinforced with acknowledgment/thanks for being supportive. A teammate's dad who knows the game and takes her and the teammate to soccer stuff (Washington Spirit game, soccer store, etc.). Just someone to, even in a symbolic or superficial way, give her enough of that to help hold her together for games, practices, and other places or events that shape her relationship with soccer.

Our schools have some male role models who help bolster the confidence of single parented children. If it's the right person, who cares, it can work. And there need not be any awkwardness or abstract boundaries about that person's relationship to your daughter or to you.

Does this mean that someone suitable is out there to help this happen? Maybe. Maybe not. I am just suggesting that wherever you see this kind of support, no matter how incidental, try to cultivate it and grow it. A good many will know the favor that he's doing and will take pleasure in helping your daughter deal with this.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this.
His standards are stratospheric, plus he refuses to consider emotional needs. We're all supposed to toughen up and bear it.

You need to play to his strengths. Tell him that instead of making USELESS remarks, he needs to draw on his experience, and verbalize EXACTLY what she can do better (or exactly what she did wrong). It's the only way she's going to improve. It's perfectly fine to be exacting, but only if you're actually saying something informative! That takes going to games and observing her.

And you can continue to be the supportive parent. Team-work.

[Anonymous]

Children are a product of their upbringing. She's either going to take what she's given and use it to grow stronger, or she's going to wilt. All you can do it be the best parent you can be. I do think you should make sure the coach is aware that she needs encouragement because she isn't always getting it from her dad. A good team can lift you up when things aren't great at home, that is an advantage of soccer. Be aware that her team dynamics need to stay positive as she goes through middle school though. Girls can get mean even on the team. Soccer gets even more time encompassing as you get into high school, so be aware that you will have more pressure on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children are a product of their upbringing. She's either going to take what she's given and use it to grow stronger, or she's going to wilt. All you can do it be the best parent you can be. I do think you should make sure the coach is aware that she needs encouragement because she isn't always getting it from her dad. A good team can lift you up when things aren't great at home, that is an advantage of soccer. Be aware that her team dynamics need to stay positive as she goes through middle school though. Girls can get mean even on the team. Soccer gets even more time encompassing as you get into high school, so be aware that you will have more pressure on you.

+1 this is very thoughtful perspective on all fronts.

[Anonymous]

Yes I have. My H has PTSD but I did not know it at the time.

I just kept repeating to my child.

You can't control other or let their actions control your feelings.
Your dad has issues he is dealing with and taking them out on you.
Your dad has issues don't let them become your issues.
I wish your dad reacted differently too.
I'm sorry your dad is this way, it sucks.
His issues are not your issues, try to look at him with empathy instead of being angry and taking it personally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes I have. My H has PTSD but I did not know it at the time.

I just kept repeating to my child.

You can't control other or let their actions control your feelings.
Your dad has issues he is dealing with and taking them out on you.
Your dad has issues don't let them become your issues.
I wish your dad reacted differently too.
I'm sorry your dad is this way, it sucks.
His issues are not your issues, try to look at him with empathy instead of being angry and taking it personally.

This^^^

If you had a better way of dealing with your husband you would likely not be getting a divorce.

Your DD will need to find another way to connect with her father than soccer but the above is an excellent way of encouraging her without running your husband down. It is ok for her to see the flaws in both of you but dignity matters too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I have. My H has PTSD but I did not know it at the time.

I just kept repeating to my child.

You can't control other or let their actions control your feelings.
Your dad has issues he is dealing with and taking them out on you.
Your dad has issues don't let them become your issues.
I wish your dad reacted differently too.
I'm sorry your dad is this way, it sucks.
His issues are not your issues, try to look at him with empathy instead of being angry and taking it personally.

This^^^

If you had a better way of dealing with your husband you would likely not be getting a divorce.

Your DD will need to find another way to connect with her father than soccer but the above is an excellent way of encouraging her without running your husband down. It is ok for her to see the flaws in both of you but dignity matters too.

Who cares about the posters problems with her husband, yes it may be part of the problem but regardless, it's still his daughter which he should show unconditional love for and learn to support her in a better way.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the suggestions. I might say something to the coach and maybe one of the other dads, I’ll have to think about how to say it. I’m typically a very private person but I do want to preserve her love of the game and can swallow my pride for sure if I need to. I also appreciate the suggestion of reinforcing that his attitude is not about her, it’s about him. I do tell her but of course it still pains her. All I can do is keep trying and hoping it will work out.

I don’t appreciate the comment about dealing with my husband better. You don’t know the situation and the fact that he’s a selfish alcoholic that verbally and sometimes physically abuses me and we are all scared of him. Your comment was not helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the suggestions. I might say something to the coach and maybe one of the other dads, I’ll have to think about how to say it. I’m typically a very private person but I do want to preserve her love of the game and can swallow my pride for sure if I need to. I also appreciate the suggestion of reinforcing that his attitude is not about her, it’s about him. I do tell her but of course it still pains her. All I can do is keep trying and hoping it will work out.

I don’t appreciate the comment about dealing with my husband better. You don’t know the situation and the fact that he’s a selfish alcoholic that verbally and sometimes physically abuses me and we are all scared of him. Your comment was not helpful at all.

I wrote the dealing with your husband part and the point was that dealing with HIM on this issue is not really an option because there are already issues going on between the two of you. You are better to just deal with your DD and encourage her to find a way to connect with her father.