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Question for Parents
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Anonymous
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I am a teacher. Please bear with me since I am reaching out to you as parents for advice on how to handle a situation in a positive way.
I have a wonderful student who is a quirky, bright, artsy, often unfocused second grade girl. The parents seem to be struggling with who their daughter is. They have told me many times that they expect her to go to Harvard or Yale. They become defensive and upset when I try to explain that she has many gifts but her "grades" aren't higher because she does not want to focus on producing perfect academic work. She does a good job on her school work, she is content with her "level" of production, she seems happy and has friends. I am very frustrated with the continuous stress the parents continue to put on me and the school. Every interaction focuses on either "you don't understand her" or "why didn't you make her do more?" or "she's smarter than the other children, why aren't her grades higher than Mary's??" They did have an educational evaluation done which showed some attentional issues but they "don't think that counts because she scored so high on the IQ section." Please don't rip my head off. I'm just trying to figure out why parents would be like this and how I can help them understand that they have a fabulous daughter - even if her handwriting isn't perfect. Any words of wisdom on what to say to them? Thank you in advance. |
Anonymous
| Wow. This is hard. I wish I had words of wisdom for you on getting through to parents like this, but all I have is sympathy. You can probably be more effective in encouraging your student in feeling comfortable with where she is and who she is...probably you're already doing that. One thought, though, is to talk about how kids develop at different rates, and that how they "perform" in 2nd grade does not necessarily indicate how they will achieve in high school. If you've been teaching long enough, maybe you have an example or two of kids who did fine but weren't stellar in elementary school but who blossomed later and did wonderful things. Perhaps something like that would put these hyper parents more at ease. Good luck! |
Anonymous
Ugh. I can understand why teachers get so frustrated. SOunds like a lovely girl. The parents are going to make her crazy. I would continue to emphasize that she is a terrific girl with many gifts but it will be up to her to choose to apply herself on the academic front. Although, I am afraid, it is going to go in one ear and out the other with this type of parent. And yes, even girls with imperfect handwriting (I was one of them) can turn out pretty happy and successful (I am one of them) 
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Anonymous
| I wouldn't put the girl in a box -- I think too many teachers do that. How do you know she's not Harvard or Yale material? Maybe she'll get in through a back door approach. If I had listened to my daughter's teachers -- she'd likely be at some dumb second tier school. Instead, we believed in her and she's at a top Ivy of her choosing. She's a sports star and had about 20 or so choices. I hope the poor girl proves you wrong. I always root for the student over the teacher. Sorry -- they're paying your salary. |
Anonymous
| I agree with the earlier posters that, if possible, communicate to the parents to "chill." Tell them that if they want to instill a love of learning in their daughter, they should not dwell on her imperfect handwriting or other problems. Rather, find areas of strength and focus on those. Additionally, congratulate her on her efforts, not her innate ability. Kids who are constantly told "you are the smartest in the class" then fear taking on challenges that will "prove" that they are not one of the smartest. |
Anonymous
I assume you are not serious. The teacher is not saying that the child is not Ivy caliber, but that the CHILD does not demonstrate the attention necessary to master material and produce outstanding work at this point in her life. Perhaps the child will become a sports star, which appears to be an extenuating criteria for your daughter (I did not know that there were now 20 Ivies) - there have been many threads on how sports can help distinguish applicants for college admissions. Frankly, if I had my heart set on an Ivy for my kid and his/her teacher indicated that they had attention issues, I would focus on what the teacher sees as the possible barriers to future academic and lifelong success, rather than cast the teacher as the barrier. Regrettable that you can't embrace the success now of your daughter than dwelling on the past. |
Anonymous
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High horse pp -- if it were your kid you wouldn't want a teacher posting some dumb anonymous post. I am well aware there are 8 Ivies -- but my daughter had 20 choices of top schools to go to...Ivies aren't the only top schools fyi...several schools such as Stanford and Duke are rated higher than some of the lower ranked Ivies.
Good luck to your poor kids with your go along attitude--mediocrity is looking them straight in the face |
Anonymous
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mediocre and sane or stand-out academics and prozac?
hmmmmmmm |
Anonymous
| You are mediocre with that attitude pp --we don't use any sort of drugs, alcohol or tobacco in our family -- we'll save that for you so you can deal with being a loser |
Anonymous
If her best chance is to excel in some non-academic area, then the parents' approach is even more wrong-headed. Sorry your kid didn't have the goods to get in through the front door. |
Anonymous
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FYI -- my kid also had a very high SAT score...thank you very much... and went to a top private school here in DC...Bill Bradley didn't get in the front door either -- Rhodes Scholar, US Senator, Presidential candidate. Once one graduates w/ an Ivy degree -- no one cares how they got in...just that they did get in and graduate.
Hope your kids are nicer than you are...otherwise MCC is great for them |
Anonymous
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I'd say it's a good thing that the Feds are making insurance companies improve mental health benefits because these people are going to need them.
The child is in SECOND GRADE! God knows who she will be when she is ready to apply to colleges. And, wow, she can be a success without going to Harvard or Yale. Lots of people are. Seriously, depending on the kid's personality, with pressure like that, this child could have serious emotional problems. Really really sad. |
Anonymous
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Wow - OP here.
For the 20:50 poster, there are many times when I root for the student over the parent. I can't believe you would think that I would only consider this child "dumb second tier school" material. What does that even mean? I hope your child is more content in life than you seem to be. I guess I shouldn't have put the Ivy comment in my original post. What is it about school and college rankings that make people so crazy? Thank you very much to those of you who posted helpful comments. I really didn't mean to focus on the imperfect handwriting or the attention issues. I meant to get across that these parents were boxing this girl in to never meet their high standards since she doesn't seem to have the obnoxious drive and anxiety that her parents have. (frustration showing through here) I will continue to support her (of course) and just let the parents eventually figure out her strengths as she gets older. I hope she can handle them when she becomes a teenager! |
Anonymous
| You're a good person, OP! Hang in there! |
Anonymous
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OP, I feel sorry for you and the child because of the stress the parents are placing on you both. If I were a teacher, I would have no patience for parents like that. I think all you can do is explain how you calculated the grade you gave their child. As one of our all-time favorite teachers told my daughter, a teacher doesn't give grades; she just records the grade the student earned.
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