I feel like I’m sucking at this parenting thing

[Anonymous]

I’m a very loving mom, but I’m not a disciplined one. I never was good at enforcing homework time, and other similar parenting things. My parents were totally checked out so I don’t really know what is normal. I do read a lot about parenting and I try, but I feel like I’ve failed my kids.

[Anonymous]

I feel like I alternate between being too hard and too easy. My kids are older teens now and doing fine so, I get it balanced out.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Make sure you get some self-care time and lots of time with your kids enjoying them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I alternate between being too hard and too easy. My kids are older teens now and doing fine so, I get it balanced out.

Don't be so hard on yourself! Make sure you get some self-care time and lots of time with your kids enjoying them.

Thanks! I get what you mean. Yes, self care has been an issue for awhile and wonderful reminder to spend fun time with the kids. I know I worry too much. I have one really tough teen and one easy one. Sometimes I thinks it’s 90% genes and very little has to do with parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a very loving mom, but I’m not a disciplined one. I never was good at enforcing homework time, and other similar parenting things. My parents were totally checked out so I don’t really know what is normal. I do read a lot about parenting and I try, but I feel like I’ve failed my kids.

My kid has a massive science project due Monday. I have not bought any supplies or asked about any progress. So yeah I feel you.

[Anonymous]

I have ADHD and lose track of things, but not my vigilance in the parenting department, surprisingly. The hardest part for me is slowly stepping back when they become teens, and seeing the minor train wrecks coming, like the long-term projects done at the last minute: eek.

[Anonymous]

I'm very hands-off too, OP. Do you have a reason to feel like you're failed, e.g., are your kids not doing well in school? Or any other issues?

I've always told my kids I won't get up their a$$es, unless they give me a reason to. As long as their grades are good, they're staying out of trouble, pretty well-behaved, I let them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a very loving mom, but I’m not a disciplined one. I never was good at enforcing homework time, and other similar parenting things. My parents were totally checked out so I don’t really know what is normal. I do read a lot about parenting and I try, but I feel like I’ve failed my kids.

My kid has a massive science project due Monday. I have not bought any supplies or asked about any progress. So yeah I feel you.

Well, this can build responsibility in the kids. I went to a science fair yesterday where it was very clear which projects were done more by the kids and more by the parents. It was heartwarming to see a typo here and there on the posters for confirmation the parents didn’t proofread it for them too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have ADHD and lose track of things, but not my vigilance in the parenting department, surprisingly. The hardest part for me is slowly stepping back when they become teens, and seeing the minor train wrecks coming, like the long-term projects done at the last minute: eek.

I have ADHD too and have found parenting to be very hard. I never really learned how to study or be organized for school and constantly feel as if I’m failing them. They’re in an over achieving school environment where all the parents seem to be super together and know how to help their kids. It makes me feel
badly for my kids.

[Anonymous]

Remember that what you read in a book about parenting is an ideal that comes out of someone's brain. It isn't the real world and others have written other books saying something else entirely.

[Anonymous]

Me too. My child is depressed and anxious and just had to go to a psychiatric hospital. It's hard not to feel like we did something wrong.

[Anonymous]

To paraphrase a maxim that has always helped me -- we often feel we suck because we are comparing our complicated insides to others' 'outsides'. This has never been more true than now where people showcase perfected outsides (or perfected outsides with just enough of the right flaws to make them seem authentic etc.) on the internet.

What helps me in those moments is to get back to reality and say, ok, even if I really do utterly and completely suck at this (which isn't that likely), what is one small thing I can do to make myself suck slightly less? And then I'm on the path to improving something I was catastrophizing and that helps me usually see that I was okay enough but not quite as good as I wanted to be--the same as pretty much everybody else.

[Anonymous]

I'm inconsistent- sometimes I'm "on" - planned, disciplined, "parental."

Other times, I'm like "yeah, he's been playing fortnite for three hours, it's Sunday, and I haven't noticed him doing any homework. Probably better get on that."

[Anonymous]

I bet you're a good parent. Other people are OVER parenting.

[Anonymous]

My kids are tweens - not quite teens - so this all may fall apart but I've found that establishing habits is key. It can be painful in the beginning and I will get push back but then after a while, the kids think it's just always been that way.

For example, homework has always been done as soon as they get home and screens come after. I need to do the same thing with any other activity -- piano practice, cleaning out lunchboxes, etc.

I will write a list and put in on the fridge of the "habits" we need to strengthen. E.g. -- Get home, homework, piano, lunches, (then) screens. Then I don't feel like I'm nagging, I just point to the list.

Hope that helps a bit. And I'm sure you're doing great. Just other other day, I said something like, I'm a crummy mom when I forgot to do something. My son stopped me and said, "Mom, don't say that! You always tell me not to talk down about myself so you shouldn't either. You're doing great!"

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really hard, and peoole’s expectations are really skewed. I’m always getting emails from my lids’ Teachers saying that Larlo did not do X, or Larla is having Y problem. I think the teachers and other professionals have now been conditioned to think that we as parents want to know all this and be involved in fixing all these problems. There’s such high expectations for parental involvement nowadays. I find it overwhelming and it’s easy to feel like you’re failing to meet some undefined expectation.