Positive Sibling Relationship

[Anonymous]

What have you successfully done to create a positive relationship between your kiddos? My sibling and I had abusive parents, unfortunately, so this isn't something that was modeled for us. We don't have a great relationship and I do try to keep space with my extended family due to our toxic history. As such, I'm very focused on my kiddos being close. Of course, they're kids and they do fight sometimes but I try to engage them in activities where they have to cooperate (e.g. make dinner together) and try to foster shared interests without being too pushy. What's worked for you?

[Anonymous]

Given your history I would just caution you against being too pushy or overreacting to the expected squabbles of childhood.

You can't force your kids to be close, but you can avoid parenting pitfalls that torpedo sibling relationships - favoritism, locking them into roles "the athletic one" "the smart one," etc., comparisons ("why can't you be more like your sister/brother"?). See and value them each as individuals, and hopefully they will see and value each other as they grow and mature. Do fun things all together as a family; have happy family memories that they are both/all a part of. Be kind and loving and expect that of them (as developmentally appropriate) and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

I'm the youngest of four. We were taught to respect each other. Did we bicker, yes. But my parents were stern with us and did not put up with BS. Now as adults we are all close and so are the cousins. I feel very lucky.

[Anonymous]

No idea but the fact that my b/g twins are super close as teens is one of the things I am most proud of. Neither dh nor I are close to our siblings. They are all fine people but on my side our mom died young and we all grew apart. We told our kids we wished the situation were different and hope they remain close as they get older as family is important (even if we don’t live what we preach). We focus on our immediate family. We’ve made our share of mistakes (who hasn’t - oh yeah, my mil, lol, she says she was a perfect parent). But that’s another thread. So far we’re doing well on this front.

[Anonymous]

They might not be close on your desired timeline. My brother and I (5 years difference) barely spoke for the last decade we were both in the home. We are very close as adults. My parents never pushed anything

[Anonymous]

I agree that outside of obviously favoring one over the other, or anything else overt to drive a wedge between siblings, I don’t think there’s much you can do to ensure closeness when they’re older. My two (4 years apart) are very close, as I type this DS is patiently helping his sister with her homework after my help nfrsutrated her, and I wish I could pat myself on my back. But having seen previously close siblings become distant when grown, because of various reasons (marrying spouses they don’t like, fighting over the parents’ estate, etc) I know there’s not much I can do. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the youngest of four. We were taught to respect each other. Did we bicker, yes. But my parents were stern with us and did not put up with BS. Now as adults we are all close and so are the cousins. I feel very lucky.

Curious...What do you mean they didn’t put up with BS? (Not OP)

[Anonymous]

My kids fought like cats and dogs when they were younger. Drove me insane. However, now that they are both teenagers, it's like they have channel that energy to use against me and DH. For example, if one is getting in trouble for something, the other will immediately leap to their defense. Even though, it really is none of their business. Or, if one of them is asking for something that they know the answer will be "no" to, the other will jump in and give lots of reasons why they should be allowed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks everyone, great insight. I'm going to be careful not to be too pushy so I don't do the opposite of what I hope happens with regard to their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They might not be close on your desired timeline. My brother and I (5 years difference) barely spoke for the last decade we were both in the home. We are very close as adults. My parents never pushed anything

Similar here. I remember my brother and I locking each other out of the house, physically fighting, body-slamming each other into walls, etc. We wound up getting along SO MUCH BETTER after we'd both moved out. We are now in our 40's and sometimes take vacations with our families, we buy each other little gifts (he got me a new umbrella when mine broke; I got him fancy olive oil when I was buying myself some), we talk about once or twice a week on the phone.

Our mother was no help. She was always telling me how lucky I was to have him as a brother, but never told him he was lucky to have me as a sister. Any time we were fighting he would take his side, punish me, etc. She was an only child - maybe she secretly always wished for an older brother and thought I was lucky to have one? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

As parents you need to be loving to each other and each child. You cannot fly off the handle and rave and rant at home. If you have such a personality you need to get help.

Model your own behavior with your parents, sibs, ILs to show respect and be helpful.


Most important thing is to treat each child the same. If you have a will make sure that every one inherits the same. Be there for your children.

[Anonymous]

As parents, you can not force your kids to love one another but you can create an environment where they can foster a long and lasting bond with one another.

[Anonymous]

My father was an only child and was kind of “jealous” that my sister and I had each other growing up. He did lots of little things that encouraged us to be close. Silly example but we knew he would pay for teen outings (like the movies) if the other child was invited along (even if they didn’t go) or say “why don’t the two of you go to the mall while you have nothing going on and give us a little money.”

[Anonymous]

OP I expect you do this already but fairness as a parent between two kids is really important. Equal love and attention, equal number of things paid for etc.

That will help avoid resentments between them which sometimes you just can't avoid having appear - regardless of your efforts!

[Anonymous]

OP, if I buy popsicles or something from the store, I will give them to one kid and say, "hey go show your sibs what we got from the store and you can each have one!" so that sibling gets to be the big hero to the others.

I don't know if it works but it's really sweet seeing how excited the "hero" sibling gets to share the surprise with the others.