Positive Sibling Relationship

[Anonymous]

I’m sure the equal thing is incredibly important, but my parents did that perfectly and my sister and I still aren’t close. We are just so different. But at the same time, my parents didn’t do much to bring us together when we were living at home. If we were fighting, they’d just separate us instead of making us work it out. We all lived in such isolated compartments in our home. By contrast, my husband is very close to the sibling he shared a room with.

[Anonymous]

Show them how to be respectful and considerate housemates -

How to apologize
How to respect boundaries and property - must ask each other to borrow stuff (not me)
How to leave a situation where one is mad at the other - and then try to discuss more calmly later on
How to ask for and wait for a turn, and for the other to reasonably respond

And similar to another poster, how to be thoughtful ... if we go on an outing or the grocery store for example, one sibling picks out something for the other. If one sibling is scooping some ice cream, he will ask if the other wants some too.

Skills that help them set up a good relationship with each other, and others as they grow up. They are teens and have their moments, but generally have a good bond.

[Anonymous]

I just started with the "we are a team" sort of narrative from very early on. Had them learn to be each other's cheerleaders and explicitly talked about how there is never competition in my mind or heart between them. They get pretty equal praise for effort but told them early on that just bc one gets praised doesn't mean the other needs it right that second. So far they seem to follow suit.

[Anonymous]

Well, I’ve been trying hard to do a lot of these things and my daughters still seem at war. The older one doesn’t return the younger ones affection or interest, and the younger one is starting to get bitter!

[Anonymous]

I went through the Love Languages for Kids quiz with each child individually, and we reference what we learned about ourselves pretty often. My middle son is a big quality time and acts of service person, and hates physical touch. My littlest is huge on physical touch, as am I. So for instance, understanding that an occasional hug is a great way to show love to mom/little brother, even though HE would prefer someone baking brownies for him, has definitely affected middle son's behavior toward little brother. Same with older son who has learned that a few minutes of hoops meets middle brother's need for love. It also forces them to think through someone else's perspective, which I think is a good social skill for all relationships!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I went through the Love Languages for Kids quiz with each child individually, and we reference what we learned about ourselves pretty often. My middle son is a big quality time and acts of service person, and hates physical touch. My littlest is huge on physical touch, as am I. So for instance, understanding that an occasional hug is a great way to show love to mom/little brother, even though HE would prefer someone baking brownies for him, has definitely affected middle son's behavior toward little brother. Same with older son who has learned that a few minutes of hoops meets middle brother's need for love. It also forces them to think through someone else's perspective, which I think is a good social skill for all relationships!

Same poster. I also think it is important to validate their feelings about the other siblings. So if one is a sports star, and the other one feels like s/he gets all the attention, empathize without judgment! "I can totally see how frustrating it must be that Johnny has 25 baseball games to show off and you have one musical performance. It seems like those athletes get all the attention sometimes!" Sometimes the kids just need to get stuff off their chests and be heard.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are in HS, college and law school. They're great pals and are always really there for each other. I count it as our greatest success as parents -- though I know it was mostly good luck. While I agree with the folks who say you can't force sibling amity, I also agree with those who say you can do a lot to nurture it. Like other posters, we tried hard to see each as an individual and not compare them to one another. At the same time, however, we encouraged shared interests. For our kids, sports was a unifying activity. We all ski, hike, and play tennis, and the kids did summer swim team together for years. We also played a lot of board games together and had family movie nights. One thing we did that was different from many families we know was that we required the kids to attend one another's games and special events at school. We also talked about and tried to show our kids how much our own sibling relationships mean to us. Even at times when we disagreed with our sibs or they drove us a little crazy, we emphasized how much we love them (and we pointed out that we drive them nuts sometimes too). The message we were trying to send was -- be in each other's corner, cheer each other on in the good times, and be there for one another when hard times come, as they will.

[Anonymous]

At the end of the day siblings are individual people with varying personalities. What they share is a family history and family bonds. What I have seen in my own family is that if two siblings share would be friends if they weren't siblings - they stay close but if the only thing that bonds them is the family tie, it is hard to stay close as adults. I am not close at all to one of my brothers but I am fine with that. I am not sad about it, we have nothing in common, and we wouldn't be friends ever if we weren't related. We get together at family functions and we are cordial but we are never going to be close. I don't quite get why siblings would be expected to say close for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the end of the day siblings are individual people with varying personalities. What they share is a family history and family bonds. What I have seen in my own family is that if two siblings share would be friends if they weren't siblings - they stay close but if the only thing that bonds them is the family tie, it is hard to stay close as adults. I am not close at all to one of my brothers but I am fine with that. I am not sad about it, we have nothing in common, and we wouldn't be friends ever if we weren't related. We get together at family functions and we are cordial but we are never going to be close. I don't quite get why siblings would be expected to say close for life.

I agree and think this is spot on. You can't make it happen and it doesn't need to happen that siblings stay close as adults. Its just a bonus if it does work out that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I went through the Love Languages for Kids quiz with each child individually, and we reference what we learned about ourselves pretty often. My middle son is a big quality time and acts of service person, and hates physical touch. My littlest is huge on physical touch, as am I. So for instance, understanding that an occasional hug is a great way to show love to mom/little brother, even though HE would prefer someone baking brownies for him, has definitely affected middle son's behavior toward little brother. Same with older son who has learned that a few minutes of hoops meets middle brother's need for love. It also forces them to think through someone else's perspective, which I think is a good social skill for all relationships!

Same poster. I also think it is important to validate their feelings about the other siblings. So if one is a sports star, and the other one feels like s/he gets all the attention, empathize without judgment! "I can totally see how frustrating it must be that Johnny has 25 baseball games to show off and you have one musical performance. It seems like those athletes get all the attention sometimes!" Sometimes the kids just need to get stuff off their chests and be heard.

Or, you give that child attention in other ways - go out to eat, movies, an activity, likes to volunteer, volunteer together.....don't force love on the siblings. Its either natural or not.

[Anonymous]

The sister that I am closest to as an adult is the one I fought the most with growing up. After seeing us battle through the teen years I am sure my parents thought we would never speak again. As adults we talk all the time, travel together etc.

It took her moving away and use forming an adult friendship with lots of family stories for us to be close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I went through the Love Languages for Kids quiz with each child individually, and we reference what we learned about ourselves pretty often. My middle son is a big quality time and acts of service person, and hates physical touch. My littlest is huge on physical touch, as am I. So for instance, understanding that an occasional hug is a great way to show love to mom/little brother, even though HE would prefer someone baking brownies for him, has definitely affected middle son's behavior toward little brother. Same with older son who has learned that a few minutes of hoops meets middle brother's need for love. It also forces them to think through someone else's perspective, which I think is a good social skill for all relationships!

Same poster. I also think it is important to validate their feelings about the other siblings. So if one is a sports star, and the other one feels like s/he gets all the attention, empathize without judgment! "I can totally see how frustrating it must be that Johnny has 25 baseball games to show off and you have one musical performance. It seems like those athletes get all the attention sometimes!" Sometimes the kids just need to get stuff off their chests and be heard.

Or, you give that child attention in other ways - go out to eat, movies, an activity, likes to volunteer, volunteer together.....don't force love on the siblings. Its either natural or not.

Obviously. That was a specific example of hearing a child’s complaint without judgment. Half the time they complain because the other one breathes too loudly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. These are great. So thankful for all of you taking the time to share.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice but am following as well op! My girls are 2 and 3 and we hope they remain close as they grow up. I am a twin and my sister is my best friend. We travel together, see each other at least once a month and talk a few times a day. Our spouses like each other as well which helps and our kids get along. Having my kids see our positive relationship is probably the best thing we can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No idea but the fact that my b/g twins are super close as teens is one of the things I am most proud of. Neither dh nor I are close to our siblings. They are all fine people but on my side our mom died young and we all grew apart. We told our kids we wished the situation were different and hope they remain close as they get older as family is important (even if we don’t live what we preach). We focus on our immediate family. We’ve made our share of mistakes (who hasn’t - oh yeah, my mil, lol, she says she was a perfect parent). But that’s another thread. So far we’re doing well on this front.

Don’t get too excited. My opposite gender sibling and I were very close until he got married. Now we have no relationship whatsoever. Things change.