Husband is offended by everything

[Anonymous]

When I married my DH, he was not like this. But over the last 10 years, maybe closer to 15 years, he gets offended / acts slighted by nearly everything. I won't discuss things, even important things, with him any more, as I dread his reaction. And then he won't tell me why he's mad - I have to figure it out. He acts like a 12 year old girl.

One of many examples: I was driving him to pick up his new car. Virtual silence the whole way there. I can tell that he is mad at something. I decide not to ask what, until he proceeds to get out of the car (at the dealership) and stomp off without saying goodbye. Against my better judgement, I asked what was wrong. He said that the was mad that I didn't act excited about the new car. JFC, what did he want me to do? I had no feelings about the car either way. Its his car. He needs a way to work, and the new car is a fine mode of transportation. I could have faked being excited if he would have said something.

It is this way about EVERYTHING. Normally, I do not ask what is wrong when he stomps around, and it eventually goes away. By ignoring his silent treatment/stomping over time, I had hoped that he would eventually act like the 50 year man that he is. You know, a mature adult. But it doesn't seem to help. Is anybody else married to a drama-queen male? His mom is the same way, so I can only assume that that is where he learned this.

[Anonymous]

He feels unloved.

[Anonymous]

Shut your pie-hole.

[Anonymous]

No, I am not married to a drama queen husband. Any other questions?

[Anonymous]

How much quality time do you spend with him? Do you prop him up? Do you know what his languages of love are? Some ...it’s words of affirmation

[Anonymous]

Have you spoken to him directly about this? Given him some data? Have you expressed how this is sucking the life out your marriage? Asked him if he is okay? Seething in silence won’t fix this.

[Anonymous]

personality disorder

[Anonymous]

You need to bring this up at a moment when he is the least likely to fly off the handle. I've noticed this to a lesser degree with my own husband as well, but in his case I think it's a combination of his untreated ADHD and normal aging.

For your husband it could be a mid-life crisis type thing.

Or it could be the first symptom of an aging-related disorder, or hyperthyroidism, brain tumor, etc. Rare, but it happens.

What's certain is that he can't know how it affects you unless you speak up!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my narcissistic husband.

[Anonymous]

Oh boy, yes, my DH does this, too. For years I have just accepted the silent treatment. Last weekend I asked him what was wrong while he was putting away dishes and his response was to slam the cabinet door and continue to ignore me. I said "I'm not going to be in the same room when you act like this" and left. (It was a huge step for me to do that) I've decided I'm done allowing him to act, as you said, like a 12 year old girl, without at least saying that isn't okay behavior.

[Anonymous]

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse. Either it stops or you leave. No one deserves that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh boy, yes, my DH does this, too. For years I have just accepted the silent treatment. Last weekend I asked him what was wrong while he was putting away dishes and his response was to slam the cabinet door and continue to ignore me. I said "I'm not going to be in the same room when you act like this" and left. (It was a huge step for me to do that) I've decided I'm done allowing him to act, as you said, like a 12 year old girl, without at least saying that isn't okay behavior.

Oh, that's not being fair to twelve year old girls. My 12 year old girls were NEVER this immature.

[Anonymous]

Midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

I came here to write my own post how i feel i am in a thankless job being his wife. Never a word of appreciation . I guess parenting is not for everyone. It takes away the attention ( we have two kids under 6). I hv been putting them before us and myself. OP- do you hv kids ? Hv you bn mkg the same mistake and now you hv a disgruntled spouse ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you spoken to him directly about this? Given him some data? Have you expressed how this is sucking the life out your marriage? Asked him if he is okay? Seething in silence won’t fix this.

This. Have you told him what you've told us -- that you clam up because you dread his reactions (or lack of reaction/silent treatment until...it's no longer silent, but a resentful broadside from him because you weren't a mind-reader....)?

I can see how you would be reluctant to tell him that this is how you now see all interactions with him. He is going to take it badly. But I'd script out what I wanted to say; I'd edit it to sound as objective as possible and to use "when you X, I feel Y" statements; and I'd be prepared with a next step rather than waiting around for him to come up with one: Couples therapy. Have it already booked so he can't delay by complaining and griping until you manage to book the first date. If he flatly refuses to go, be crystal clear that you are immediately starting solo counseling to help determine if you want to stay married to him. Then DO go to counseling or therapy or whatever. Together or alone.

He may be depressed. (His mom might have been too.) I know people often say that on DCUM and I know it feels like just meanness on his part and not "sadness," I get that. Or he might just be a jerk. But If you think the person you married is still there somewhere, I'd at least give couples therapy a shot. And I'd start saying sooner, "I get the feeling you are upset or angry and I'd like to listen, but I can't listen or help if you choose not to have a conversation."