Letter of recommendation from a teacher that doesn't relate to your kid?

[Anonymous]

I think DS is normal for a 4YO; but his current school is so strict that he is always in trouble for bad behaviour. For example, not paying attention during circle time, not completing his work (yes, its a Montessori school) efficiently enough, singing when he's not supposed to be singing, and fidgeting.

We've spoken to the teacher. We've spoken to the director. But they just keep saying "we don't know what to do," yet they're not willing to try any concrete suggestions from anyone. We've spoken to child psychologists, OT therapists and summer camp counsellors and they say he's totally normal for a 4YO; and say it's the school that is too rigid. Since his current school & teachers are unwilling to adapt, I think there is just a bad fit here, so we need to find a better environment. But as I look into private schools for K, every one wants a letter of recommendation from his teacher. I cannot imagine this person giving anything but complaints about my son. What to do? Does anyone have any experience or ideas about this?

FWIW, I don't think (nor did the psychologists) that he's got ADHD; I think he's bored. For example, he's been able to count & recognize numbers from 1-20 accurately since he was about 2 years old; and he can currently do simple addition and subtraction, as well as count (out loud) to 100. But at school, he isn't allowed to do any work involving numbers higher than 10 because he won't demonstrate to the teacher that he can do these things with the work assignments at hand; he just fidgets with the work until someone tells him to put it away for "misusing" the equipment - basically repurposing counting rods into giant Lincoln logs, etc. His teacher refuses to give him more challenging things until he's proven he can do something 10 times. Not 5 times, or 8 times, or 9 times... but *10* times. She won't compromise; he doesn't see the point in repeating things that are so obvious. Thus the impasse.

[Anonymous]

I'd move him right now. Is there another class even?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the suggestion - we suggested it as well, but it was shot down by the teacher & dir - both said they don't do that. Anyhow, the school is pretty consistent - they want conformity; but DS won't/can't.

Honestly, I think he can endure this year, but I really want to get him to a better place for K and up. Just don't know how to get around the recommendation requirement - all of them specifically say that they want a letter from his current teacher.

[Anonymous]

maybe enroll him in a sports or art class and ask that teacher. I'd also get a letter from his school teacher as long as it goes to you first. You never know, she may not have the guts to put in writing what she really thinks or she may couch it in a positive way. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Do you see that they are being just as inflexible with you as they are with your son? I agree that this "rigid" environment doesn't sound like a healthy place for a 4 year old - how is it good for him to be locked in a power struggle all day? I think that you should call around and see if you can find an openning elsewhere, bad fits happen. I'm not sure that you can know how he will act in K without seeing him in a better situation first. It's only the beginning of November, it's like being in a horrible job. Please tell me that it's part day and only a few mornings per week?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm really trying to avoid switching to a new school now and then a new school again next fall.

To 13:51, yes the problematic teacher/program is only for the morning; in the afternoon, he's in an after-school program that is run by assistants at the school (less rigid, and no discipline complaints there so far this year -- he is pretty happy about that part of his day).

And he didn't have a lot of discipline problems at gymnastics, language programs, summer camp & other activities that we've had him do in the past. I'm not saying none... he's not a saint! ... but maybe once every other week vs. nearly every day.

Per 13:45, I'm thinking that the afternoon assistants would be a better bet than his regular teacher. Do you think that a prospective school would think a rec letter from the school, but not from his main teacher was weird? Can we just say that we picked the person with the best rapport with him?

[Anonymous]

Get the best letter you can. Be direct when applying to a new school: It wasn't a good fit, and say outright, you took him to psychologists, etc. & they could perhaps also write a letter saying he seemed fine.

Good you have him in ohter programs where he can have successes. Montessori isn't for everyone. We left for another school. The teacher was lovely and wrote a very supportive letter; it really wasn't a good fit for our child. It's fair to say you are looking for a better fit for a kid who is interested and capable.

[Anonymous]

Montessori teachers are notorious for writing terrible recommendations. I used to work in admissions at a special ed school, and we'd get letters form Montessori schools that made children sound severely disabled, when in fact the children's issues were mild and could easily have been managed in a regular school that was willing to problem solve. I have a friend who used to do admissions at an elite private school in the city, she said that the Montessori schools would consistently rate children very low and spend a great deal of time describing children negatively, but when in fact if they were admitted the children turned out to be lovely, well adjusted, bright students who simply hadn't fit well in the Montessori box.

I'm not sure what to say about this other than 1) ADs know to expect children to look better in person than they do on paper (in contrast, if you send your child to a feeder school like NCRC, you can guarantee that their recommendation will be glowing, but the ADs will know to expect that and not give it as much weight).

Having said that, even though I don't know that going to Montessori would negatively effect a child's admissions possibilities, I can't imagine leaving my child in a program where teachers are that negative and unwilling to problem solve. Could you find a school that's able to see your child for the fantastic little person he is, celebrate his strengths and build on them?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is an excellent student in elementary school now but had a similarly miserable experience in her Montessori pre-school. Pulling her out of that environment made all the difference, so that'll be my recommendation for OP's child as well. Some children really don't fit the Montessori box, and mine has been at the top of her class in the several years since we released her.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in the same position with dc. DC had a summer b-day and was being compared to kids 10 months older (nearly 20% older when you are just 4) by a very inexperienced teacher. When reality hit with recommendations, I panicked. Teacher wrote some ridiculous stuff about dc. Not being creative and so on. I found out b/c she gave me the letter to mail and I held it up to the light (yes, unethical). I sent it in, but I called the schools and explained. The teacher was a former math professor in a foreign country, and had no formal early childhood training. I squeezed in the cultural bias thing. I got a PE teacher to write another letter to our first choice school. That was the trick, we did not get into our second and third choice schools despite a 92%ile WPPSI, but we got into number 1.
Do not underestimate how that can hurt. I would sign dc up for a music class, or something else that requires concentration. I would get letters from camp. I would be careful about the psychologist thing. If you think that the current school will mention it then you have to. If not, do not include the evaluation unless it CLEARLY states that ds is OK.
Consider switching schools if you can, give logistics as the reason to current school. Maybe another Montessori.

[Anonymous]

pp here. OP if you live in MC, may I suggest Apple Montessori in Bethesda. It is very warm and nurturing.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. A heartfelt thanks to all who have posted. Right now we're going to any & all open houses that we can, so the focus is to fix this by next fall. I'll look for more immediate opportunities to switch, but my hopes for that are pretty low, unless someone knows of a great place that typically has lots of Jan openings.

22:33, especially, thank you for sharing. Based on this teacher's recent review of DC, I'm confident that we would wind up with similarly disastrous recommendations - it was smart of you to contact the school and add another letter. We'll be borrowing the tip.

Any other suggestions out there for countering the inevitable "this kid has no attention span" grumbles that I'm sure that we'll be getting? Maybe we should put a pic of one of his lego constructions in there! He can follow an intricate 15-pg construction manual for tiny blocks meant for 7yrs+ for an hour on his own - so, though his teacher thinks he's got insurmountable attention problems, it isn't 100% true.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am curious about why you can't move him now. Not trying to pry. The recommendations aren't due until Feb. If he switches schools, they will have a good three months to get to know him.

[Anonymous]

Don't forget to look at schools like Lowell and WES that have pre-K programs. I really would try to move him, this is a horrible start to his school career and he is internalizing the teacher's negativity towards him daily. People move all the time, if you move him to a good fit this year there might not be a next year.

[Anonymous]

PP here, I meant that people move out of the area, etc. so sometimes there are opennings mid-year and if you get him into a pre-K 8 you won't have to worry about recs from this school. My daughter just had a little boy join her K class last week. Good luck OP, I'm sure that you and your son will be much happier in your next school.

You might also want to check out St. Patricks and Grace Episcopal, if you are not opposed to religious schools, I think both have a pre-K. I'm sure I'm leaving other pre-K-8 schools out, maybe other folks can chime in.