Worried about my elderly parents living with my mentally ill adult sister in their house.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone see the article about the 28-year-old woman who attacked her elderly parents? They refused to take her to Outback Steakhouse and she physically attacked her mother and threatened both parents with a knife. I read the story and saw the mugshot and I immediately thought of my sister. She’s 25 and lives at home with parents. She and her younger sister were adopted when they were 1&4 from an abusive relative. She was had violent episodes that never stopped. She was diagnosed with ODD, Aspergers, ADHD, Manic depression, bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia all by her 18th birthday. She can be such a sweet, loving person but it’s like a flip of a switch and she becomes explosive, aggressive and uncontrollable. As she’s gotten bigger it’s gotten more and more dangerous. Puberty was a nightmare and when she was 9-years-old she had a episode that destroyed our house and left me (17 and 240 pounds at the time) with a broken arm and concussion. She spent time in and out of inpatient and was finally stabilized around her 21st birthday.

Was never able to go to public school, graduate or get her GED. My parents have best interest at heart but are major enablers and out of fear and love cater the world to her. Never held a job. Allowed basically to do as she pleases and they’ll bend over backwards to keep her happy. Her younger sister moved out the second she graduated because her older sister was abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally).

It’s a fine line between understanding the first four years of her life we’re full of trauma and that she’s suffering from a lot of mental illnesses to allowing it all to be a crutch.

I’m terrified that one of these days she’ll attack my parents who are now in their late 60s. There have been a lot of close calls and usually they just give in to avoid tantrums. It really would be best if she was in a group home so she could work on skills and be surrounded by people who would challenge her, hold her accountable and keep her safe from herself and others.

[Anonymous]

Who decides on the group home thing? it's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Major kudos to your parents for not giving up on the commitment they made, and I'm so sorry that you and your youngest sister had to grow up with that constant threat.

How "elderly" are your parents? There's probably not anything you can do if they're still pretty much able to manage their own lives. You could put a call into elder care services in their hometown and ask to speak to a social worker. I suspect that they will tell you there's nothing to be done unless your parents or sister asks, and at worst, they could send someone out to check on things and your parents and sister could end up really angry at you with no other result.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately until your parents decide they’ve had enough and kick her out, there’s nothing anyone can do. If you or they feel she’s an active threat to herself or others they can call police or local mental health emergency line to get her committed, but those commitments are anywhere from a few days to about a month (only longer in extreme circumstances).

I feel for your parents and for your siblings because as a mental health clinician I see so much codependency and enabling. It only hurts the individual because they don’t get to grow and develop as individuals, and it hurts the family because they feel responsible. Also as your parents age they will become more fragile and may decline cognitively themselves, which would make them so vulnerable to physical, emotional, and financial abuse.

[Anonymous]

PP is right. Unless your parents are willing to take out a peace order and get the court to order your sister to stay away from your parents, there is nothing to be done. And, I can't imagine from what you describe, that they will take that route. Your sister doesn't have the means to support herself. No one else in the family will take her in. And, your parents aren't going to be ok with her living under a bridge.

As a parent of a seriously mentally ill older teenager, I do feel compelled to comment on a few things you said in your post.

Was never able to go to public school, graduate or get her GED. My parents have best interest at heart but are major enablers and out of fear and love cater the world to her. Never held a job. Allowed basically to do as she pleases and they’ll bend over backwards to keep her happy. Her younger sister moved out the second she graduated because her older sister was abusive (physically, mentally, emotionally).

Your parents are not enablers. She was unable to graduate or get a GED and she has not been able to hold a job. What are your parents supposed to do? Kick her out to live in a cardboard box? It's not like there are a plethora of services out there where if your parents decided they don't want her at home now, someone would magically appear and give her a place to live, food, clothes and transportation to her doctors' appointments. Seriously, I don't know what you think they are supposed to do.

It’s a fine line between understanding the first four years of her life we’re full of trauma and that she’s suffering from a lot of mental illnesses to allowing it all to be a crutch.

I have watched this dynamic for years with my son and with others I know who have experienced loss and trauma as a result of adoption. Some people are able to move on and others can't. Calling it a crutch is very telling about your attitude towards your sister's mental illness - and it's not very charitable. Your sister did not create her mental illness and she did not create the circumstances that cause her to be incapable of moving on to productive adulthood.

It really would be best if she was in a group home so she could work on skills and be surrounded by people who would challenge her, hold her accountable and keep her safe from herself and others.

Then why don't you research and find this sort of option for your sister. Once you start to look and see the dismal state of resources for those that suffer from mental illness, maybe you will be kinder to both your parents and your sister.

[Anonymous]

It is a legitimate worry, OP. There have been a number of cases of sons and daughters killing their parents. I would recommend you get in touch with your local chapter of NAMI.