How to support friend with mentally ill husband?

[Anonymous]

Anyone BTDT? My friend's husband is very, very ill and has been and out of the hospital for several months with depression. They have been open with DH and me about what's going on with him, and we have done our best to be supportive (anything they've asked us to do, we've done, including drive him to/from appointments and spend time with him so he won't be alone to harm himself). The husband has recently decided he doesn't want to continue with his treatment and has taken a turn for the worse: his behavior gotten rough and unpredictable, including toward others. The wife wants us to socialize and be friends and act like nothing is wrong, but the reality is he's too unpredictable to make plans/spend time with, and we feel terrible for her having to bear the brunt of his bad behavior.

In the past we've all socialized together and had a great time, but it feels artificial to act like everything's fine when the reality is so dark. Any advice? Has anyone been in the role of either the mentally ill spouse or the spouse-of-the-mentally-ill-spouse? ideally we'd see them both through this chapter but it's unclear what is appropriate.

This couple are DH's friends, and there are no children involved in this situation, if that helps anyone's answers. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Ensure she knows about resources like NAMI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ensure she knows about resources like NAMI.

NAMI does not provide direct care.

[Anonymous]

It's unclear what you are asking. Your post doesn't really go with the title. You aren't asking how to support your friend. You are basically saying you don't want to spend time with them.

If he doesn't say or do anything inappropriate while you socialize, I don't understand the issue. It sounds like you are holding it against her for confiding in you. If you didn't know about what had happened, you wouldn't have an issue socializing with them so long as he doesn't do anything inappropriate (and depression isn't the kind of mental health problem that causes people to not behave in social situations).

So what is your issue?

[Anonymous]

If she can leave him, please spend time with her, her alone. The best gift is the gift of normalcy. Let her have a life without everything being about him and his problems, if you can do this. When you say she wants to act like everything is fine - that is what she's doing. It's not denial, it's that "normalcy" is the thing she misses most of all.

No reason to do things as a couple. You see her. Or let her be "a third wheel", again if she can leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ensure she knows about resources like NAMI.

NAMI does not provide direct care.

I never said it did. However, the wife needs a support group and recommendations for how to preserve her own sanity and social life. My XH’s issues are incredibly isolating for our tween, but at least she is with me 60% of the time. I can’t imagine 16 hours a day, 7 days a week in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's unclear what you are asking. Your post doesn't really go with the title. You aren't asking how to support your friend. You are basically saying you don't want to spend time with them.

If he doesn't say or do anything inappropriate while you socialize, I don't understand the issue. It sounds like you are holding it against her for confiding in you. If you didn't know about what had happened, you wouldn't have an issue socializing with them so long as he doesn't do anything inappropriate (and depression isn't the kind of mental health problem that causes people to not behave in social situations).

So what is your issue?

I agree with this poster. FWIW, I have a seriously mentally ill son. I also was dropped by friends. It socks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unclear what you are asking. Your post doesn't really go with the title. You aren't asking how to support your friend. You are basically saying you don't want to spend time with them.

If he doesn't say or do anything inappropriate while you socialize, I don't understand the issue. It sounds like you are holding it against her for confiding in you. If you didn't know about what had happened, you wouldn't have an issue socializing with them so long as he doesn't do anything inappropriate (and depression isn't the kind of mental health problem that causes people to not behave in social situations).

So what is your issue?

I agree with this poster. FWIW, I have a seriously mentally ill son. I also was dropped by friends. It socks.

Hi - OP here. We definitely do not want[u] to drop them as friends, we want to support them but also have our own boundaries. Him getting physical is a new layer to the situation and we've decided we're not ok with that. The challenge is supporting them/being friends in a way that doesn't make us feel like hypocrites, since he, and now *she* are refusing to get outside help. The situation has deteriorated over the past few months to something that is abusive. At the very least we want her to get more help, since his family don't take his illness seriously, live 8 hours away and are basically useless. We are worried for her safety in the long-run, since she has a lot on her plate to begin with, and now he's getitng worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's unclear what you are asking. Your post doesn't really go with the title. You aren't asking how to support your friend. You are basically saying you don't want to spend time with them.

If he doesn't say or do anything inappropriate while you socialize, I don't understand the issue. It sounds like you are holding it against her for confiding in you. If you didn't know about what had happened, you wouldn't have an issue socializing with them so long as he doesn't do anything inappropriate (and depression isn't the kind of mental health problem that causes people to not behave in social situations).

So what is your issue?

I agree with this poster. FWIW, I have a seriously mentally ill son. I also was dropped by friends. It socks.

Hi - OP here. We definitely do not want[u] to drop them as friends, we want to support them but also have our own boundaries. Him getting physical is a new layer to the situation and we've decided we're not ok with that. The challenge is supporting them/being friends in a way that doesn't make us feel like hypocrites, since he, and now *she* are refusing to get outside help. The situation has deteriorated over the past few months to something that is abusive. At the very least we want her to get more help, since his family don't take his illness seriously, live 8 hours away and are basically useless. We are worried for her safety in the long-run, since she has a lot on her plate to begin with, and now he's getitng worse.

I have a sibling who has gone through periods of severe mental illness. You can't make him get help, you can't make her get him help, unless you think he is an immediate danger to himself or others. And even then, if you call the police, unless THEY witness something severe and immediate, they won't do anything. For example, hallucinating is not a danger as long as you are not trying to run into traffic. My parents resisted getting my sibling help. My sibling was resisting help. It took an awful crisis before anything happened to get help. And quite frankly, that "help" was also awful for everyone- being involuntarily hospitalized is not a good option, and then it is a long, slow, painful months-long journey to wellness (or at least not-awfulness), where everyone pretty much forgets you or starts to look away because your life is so depressing. When things are better again, you look around an almost all your friends are gone.

So you have to think about what boundaries you want to draw. And while I get where you are coming from - that they should be seeking more help/support for his illness - you don't really have a f*cking clue how awful it is when it is your family member going through it. You have the luxury of walking away or not - they don't. So don't be judgmental about their choices - there are no good choices anymore once if this man's illness is as bad as you are describing.

[Anonymous]

There will be a terrible end to this situation without professional psychiatric help. Help is tough to get and requires $$$, time and being proactive. There is nothing you can do for these people. Do not kid yourself.

[Anonymous]

Do not sacrifice yourself trying to save a friendship. Physical violence is a serious threat to a friendship, and reasonable grounds to end one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not sacrifice yourself trying to save a friendship. Physical violence is a serious threat to a friendship, and reasonable grounds to end one.

OP does not directly say that she feels she is at risk of physical harm to herself or her DH; if she feels that is somehow likely, she cannot be around this person anymore. OP is being sort of circumspect and vague so it is sort of hard to assess what is going on here. It more sounds like the DW is taking the brunt of her husband and dumping them now seems sort of low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not sacrifice yourself trying to save a friendship. Physical violence is a serious threat to a friendship, and reasonable grounds to end one.

OP does not directly say that she feels she is at risk of physical harm to herself or her DH; if she feels that is somehow likely, she cannot be around this person anymore. OP is being sort of circumspect and vague so it is sort of hard to assess what is going on here. It more sounds like the DW is taking the brunt of her husband and dumping them now seems sort of low.

OP here - yes I'm being vague on purpose. Yes, the DW is taking the brunt of the husband's bad behavior, and we feel that *she* is at risk of physical harm. We do not feel like we're in a position to be harmed. It feels hypocritical to make plans and do normal things with them when all of this mess is happening behind the scenes. If he were an alcoholic or compulsive gambler, maybe it would be a bit easier to draw boundaries. We want to support both of them, but especially her, but not in a way that feels false.

[Anonymous]

You basically want your friendship to go back to the way they it to be. But things and people change as much as we don’t want them to.

[Anonymous]

she can’t make her husband get help. There is no risk to you. Your friend is in need. Yet you are dropping your friend.