Reply to How to support friend with mentally ill husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's unclear what you are asking.  Your post doesn't really go with the title.  You aren't asking how to support your friend.  You are basically saying you don't want to spend time with them.

If he doesn't say or do anything inappropriate while you socialize, I don't understand the issue.  It sounds like you are holding it against her for confiding in you.  If you didn't know about what had happened, you wouldn't have an issue socializing with them so long as he doesn't do anything inappropriate (and depression isn't the kind of mental health problem that causes people to not behave in social situations).

So what is your issue?  [/quote]

I agree with this poster. FWIW, I have a seriously mentally ill son. I also was dropped by friends. It socks. [/quote]

Hi - OP here. We[u] definitely do not want[/u][u] to drop them as friends, we want to support them but also have our own boundaries. Him getting physical is a new layer to the situation and we've decided we're not ok with that. The challenge is supporting them/being friends in a way that doesn't make us feel like hypocrites, since he, and now *she* are refusing to get outside help. The situation has deteriorated over the past few months to something that is abusive. At the very least we want her to get more help, since his family don't take his illness seriously, live 8 hours away and are basically useless. We are worried for her safety in the long-run, since she has a lot on her plate to begin with, and now he's getitng worse. [/quote]

I have a sibling who has gone through periods of severe mental illness. You can't make him get help, you can't make her get him help, unless you think he is an immediate danger to himself or others. And even then, if you call the police, unless THEY witness something severe and immediate, they won't do anything. For example, hallucinating is not a danger as long as you are not trying to run into traffic. My parents resisted getting my sibling help. My sibling was resisting help. It took an awful crisis before anything happened to get help. And quite frankly, that "help" was also awful for everyone- being involuntarily hospitalized is not a good option, and then it is a long, slow, painful months-long journey to wellness (or at least not-awfulness), where everyone pretty much forgets you or starts to look away because your life is so depressing. When things are better again, you look around an almost all your friends are gone.

So you have to think about what boundaries you want to draw. And while I get where you are coming from - that they should be seeking more help/support for his illness - you don't really have a f*cking clue how awful it is when it is your family member going through it. You have the luxury of walking away or not - they don't. So don't be judgmental about their choices - there are no good choices anymore once if this man's illness is as bad as you are describing. [/quote]

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