DH temper problems

[Anonymous]

I'm 34 months pg and suddenly my DH is becoming bitter, cussing, saying he wants to leave the country forever, and nothing I say or do is any good for him. He was like this in the past when he was drinking but quit 2 years ago and has been sweet as pie most of the time, especially since I got pg. He has reduced me to tears 3 times in the last 2 days--his verbal attacks and mind games are so bad I cannot just ignore them (so please don't say don't let it affect me b/c I've tried and it is too much we are here in my 1BR condo together and I'm too pg/tired/sick to just go for a walk). This is also the 1st time I've had any problems in my pg--I think I had a food allergy starting Sunday night b/c my hands and feet became red, swelling and itching terribly, and so did my face and my throat, so my wheezing got worse. Incredibly, he started in on me after this problem appeared. Before then he was sweet, supportive, helpful. My OB said to get bedrest and don't eat anything with salt and see if it passes, and thank God it did. BUT I can hardly believe that my sweet DH has started in on me now, when I really needed him the most, and his verbal jabs include threats of abandonment. I seriously doubt he will leave me--he is just playing with my mind due to his own problems.

I'm exhausted way too exhausted to think of starting therapy or whatever. I just need to vent and find ways to avoid another episode. He leaves me crying and heaving for air and coughing, and does not seem to care. He just woke me up, asked me if I was going to work tomorrow, somehow me saying yes pissed him off (I'm the main breadwinner) and so he threatened if I don't stop crying he's leaving, and it took me 15 minutes to catch my breath. If say enough to keep my dignity but if I say anything like you have no right to treat me like that, he just says meaner things and upsets me more.

Any ideas on what I can do to take care of myself and the baby? I'm freaking out some even thinking I don't need him---and I guess that is good to know, that we could make it on our own--but I know I love him and he loves me and is just acting completely crazy lately. I don't have family close and it's my condo so I'm staying here. I just hope and pray he calms down. I will never let him treat my child like this. I don't know what that means and I'm too stressed to wrap my mind around any of his ridiculous empty threats that he will leave. What is most ironic is that a week ago, this was absolutely the happiest time of my entire life.

[Anonymous]

He sounds really not-awesome, I am sorry to opine.

First of all, if you think you have a food allergy, please see an allergist or an immunologist for testing. Bedrest isn't going to do squat for a food allergy, or any other legitimate allergy. I have food allergies, your symptoms sound like mine, and your OB's advice sounds dangerous, if you are reporting this accurately.

Next, your DH by definition is NOT "sweet," "sweet as pie," or again, "sweet" if he is trying to mind fuck you; if he is threatening to abandon you; is intentionally mean (?!?); and acts "completely crazy."

Did you become pregnant and then later get married, by chance?

I am really rooting for you, and your post is very upsetting to a complete stranger. Is it possible that you can go to individual counseling, to a dispassionate 3rd party who can help you see your husband for what he actually is? I'd say ask your OB for a rec, but s/he sounds not that with-it, to be honest. Maybe ask your company's confidential help-line?

Bottom line, you need to take care of your baby now, and yourself. Your husband sounds either like garbage, or like a regular guy who has recently starting using. Good luck, really.

[Anonymous]

Got married a year ago, after he had stopped drinking completely for a year and changed quite a bit (instead of up and down, nice all the time). I am not saying he is sweet when he acts like this. I mean he is super sweet then these sudden (very recent) rages come out of the blue. I know for a fact he is not drinking.

I know my OB gave me bad advice. It is very hard to find time to change at this point.

Thanks for your objective opinion. I feel validated, even if by a complete stranger.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey, I feel for you. You are in a tough situation.

If he is not drinking again, then my guess as to what brought this on is the stress of the impending arrival of the baby and your illness. To you, it seems crazy that he would treat you so poorly when you are not feeling well. To him, it could be that your getting sick made him stress about all of the additional demands that will be soon be placed on him, and he isn't sure he can handle it. Rather than talking to you about that or finding a way to deal with it, he is instead lashing out at you and threatening to leave. Not healthy coping mechanisms.

I doubt this will get better on its own. I do think probably both of you need counseling. You can't make him go, but you can get yourself there. Do you really want to live the rest of your life trying to avoid anything that might flare up his temper? That is no way to live.

This should be a happy time in your life. I can't see how this won't affect your relationship and bonding with your baby if you don't do anything about it. With a newborn, all of your energy should go toward nurturing the baby and taking care of yourself. Instead, you will be putting much of your energy toward keeping him happy.

I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do.

[Anonymous]

OP, any chance he's smoking pot or doing any other type of drug or popping pills? I had a boyfriend who got super-weird like that for about a year, and I later discovered he'd been smoking pot. I had no clue, but he was given to angry outbursts, blaming "me" for stuff, being paranoid, the whole thing. He stopped smoking, and was great from that point on. That's why I wonder if yours is using "something" since he already has a history of personality changes with alcohol.

And what's up with the "leaving the country" thing? Is he from another county? Specifically, another culture? Because if that's the case, all sorts of weird things could be going on right now. I've been there/done that too.

Anyway, triage this thing. Take care of you and your health first. Try to stay as stress free as possible, meaning don't engage in his antics. If he gets weird, just politely say you don't want to argue right now, it's bad for you and the baby. You'd be more than happy to discuss things when he's calmer (or however you want to put it).

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the support & ideas. I would love to go to therapy but I'm having a hard enough time just getting to work & back due to physical issues in my 3rd trimester. The episode I had with severe swelling & itching stopped, thank goodness, but even without that I have a hard time even walking. This has been a good therapy & I really appreciate all the posts.

All this started when DH got cited for a traffic violation & now he has a court date. I'm very sure he is not using any drugs (b/c we are together all the time). Maybe I should have mentioned that his being pulled over by the cops triggered all this--but it is just so crazy to me. I'm starting to realize that all along I've taken care of all his paperwork/legal issues/dealings with any authorities or health care, and that I'm going to have to do the same for our son especially for school, and still be the main breadwinner. I have job interviews later this week to hopefully transition to a more flexible work schedule by next summer.

I think I will tell him that his rages at me could provoke early labor. (It's actually a real fear of mine.) I am also avoiding him as much as possible, hoping he will calm down. His friends and family usually give him good advice when he has problems.

I don't know what to do in the long-run and can't really decide that now. I know that if he does not calm down before our childbirth classes 11/14 and before my EDD 12/15 then I need to find someone else, and I will miss the man who loves me and was so looking forward to it.

[Anonymous]

Your posts are worrying and confusing. You are in an abusive relationship with a child about to arrive. What does he say about his 'episodes' when he is 'sweet'? Does he want to try and address his problem with anger? Could you suggest he see a doctor? I think you are right to be worried because the stress of a newborn can seriously disturb any good relationship. Can't you tell him that he needs to sort out his behavior and his problem with anger before the baby arrives and if he doesn't, he's on his own .... ?

Finally, I'm sure some lawyers will be able to tell you more, but I would have thought (given custody issues, particularly international) that it would be helpful to note down all episodes of abuse/anger and even report them to someone (not sure who ... ?).

[Anonymous]

depending on where OP is from lawyers here can't do anything.

[Anonymous]

His behavior sounds really erratic. It sounds like he has either a substance abuse problem or some kind of mental condition - perhaps depression? It doesn't sound safe for you and a newborn to be around him if he's not seeking help for this. I would encourage him to get counseling or else seriously consider at least a temporary separation.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's such a thing as a "dry drunk," someone who isn't drinking but still has all the crazy behavioral patterns associated with alcoholism. You might want to investigate Al-Anon meetings, which are for friends and families of alcoholics. The alcoholic doesn't have to be actively drinking for you to attend and you could get support from other people in the same situation. I attended Al-Anon years after my father quit drinking and it really helped me deal with my own craziness and my mom's behavior (who I later realized was an active alcoholic).

Good luck! Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't get how you "know" that he isn't using since you are with him all of the time - don't you go to work? Something is up, getting a ticket doesn't make most people unhinged. Does your DH have a job? I don't think that talking to an MSW is going to help you with this, I'd suggest getting advice from a place like Al-Anon or The House of Ruth. It would be easy to say kick him out and change the locks but might he be violent? I would start documenting all of this now, if you do split, do you want your child to be spending 1/2 of his or her time alone with someone unstable? Is he from this country? If not, where is he from?

[Anonymous]

OP not to scare you even more but my dh has similar mood swings and I found that a screaming baby really could get on his nerves and I took his frustration as him being annoyed with me. Thankfully my son is now 2 and the crying has pretty much subsided but it was rough dealing with those mood swings.
Good luck, I am sorry, just know you aren't the only one dealing with this!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. Can you get out of there for a little while to just clear your head and relax? Like maybe stay at a friend's place. You don't need all that stress right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am very worried about you. You're married to an abusive man and he's becoming more abusive at one of the most stressful and vulnerable moments of your life. After you give birth, you will be even more vulnerable - exhausted, emotional, possibly in physical pain. Please try to act now to ensure that you have some support when the baby arrives. You need to protect yourself and your baby. What you've described is a frightening, erratic, abusive man who is endangering your physical and emotional health. You don't just need to vent - you must ensure your own health and safety, and that of your baby.

You need to talk to someone - a domestic abuse counselor, a lawyer, a family member, a good friend. You said you don't have family nearby - but can someone come to you? Mother? Sister? Tell them that this is an emergency.

I know you are exhausted and overwhelmed - but from what you describe, your husband is the source of much of your despair. Please don't just hope you can avoid triggering his rage, or hope that it will get better. It may get worse after the baby is born, and you need to get some support for yourself NOW.

Please check in with this forum again! We are worried about you!

[Anonymous]

Oh my. Where to start? I understand your need to defend your husband (sometimes he is sweet, he was loving, etc) but face facts: he has a substance abuse problem (whether he is actively using or not, and just because you haven't seen it doesn't mean he is not---alcoholics can be VERY crafty); he is verbally and emotionally abusive; it sounds as if he is not providing financial support; and you are not only the main breadwinner, but, it appears, the main organizer of HIS life as well as yours, and pretty soon, your child's life. I feel for you, because I fear you are in a very tough situation. Just because someone is "loving" some of the time does not equate with a loving, caring, supportive relationship. Abusive relationships are often a mixture of loving behavior and violent/abusive behavior. Yes, perhaps a ticket and the upcoming baby has 'stressed' him out, but it is how we handle stress that is at stake here.

I'm with the person who suggested triage. First and foremost, you need to avoid any situation which makes you feel awful, which means avoiding him. You need good, pro-active medical and mental/emotional care. I would, if I were you, choose to live alone or with friends/family for the next 6 weeks. Document his behavior and abusive episodes, in the event you need a restraining order (you may think this is over the top, but it may not be). See a counselor, or discuss with an abuse hotline the situation you are in. Al-Anon might be helpful. Do you have friends around who can help? the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself, and your baby. and remember, you are not responsible for his life, job, behavior, decisions--only he is. Do not feel guilted into accepting abuse or allowing it to happen.

I wish I could suggest more, but his behavior is not a normal response to stress, and bodes ill. This is a time when he should be supportive, loving and helpful. It sounds as if he is not only unable to do this, but in fact feels a need to take out his issues on you--only by making you feel as horrible as he does will he get some relief, perhaps. Please remove yourself from this toxic situation however you can. I think everyone here is concerned for you. I can't imagine going through what you are--we are due around the same time and this should be a wonderful, exciting time for you when you get to nest, plan, relax and allow others to help you out.