Difficult not to compare myself

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who is significantly richer and thinner than me. I know it’s bad, stupid and fruitless to compare myself but I just feel ugly, fat, poor and “less than” around her. I kind of dread spending time with her. I also feel guilty and shame feeling this way. I know intellectually she probably has problems I know nothing about and I’m sure her life isn’t perfect but it’s still hard not to compare. Intellectually, I do prefer my life over hers. She is difficult to connect with so that adds another layer.

Any one else have, or had, a similar situation?

[Anonymous]

I just went out to lunch with, surprise, someone pregnant, while I’m TTC. So yeah, I get this.

[Anonymous]

I understand where you are coming from. I’ve found the book “Radical Acceptance” very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where you are coming from. I’ve found the book “Radical Acceptance” very helpful.

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I understand. Personally, I'd stop trying to connect with her. Maybe because you feel guilty about your feelings you're trying hard to make that connection. Some people are just not warm and reciprocal in that way. Obviously, I'm not saying shun her because you feel this way around her, and it doesn't sound at all like you're doing this. However, this lack of connection seems like a separate issue and that once you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand. Personally, I'd stop trying to connect with her. Maybe because you feel guilty about your feelings you're trying hard to make that connection. Some people are just not warm and reciprocal in that way. Obviously, I'm not saying shun her because you feel this way around her, and it doesn't sound at all like you're doing this. However, this lack of connection seems like a separate issue and that once you can control.

Thanks- I tried really hard in the beginning but when it wasn’t reciprocated I kind of gave up.

[Anonymous]

Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

You’re not a nice person. And you’re a bigot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

You’re not a nice person. And you’re a bigot.

"Fat" is not a protected class.

Neither is "stupid."

Which would be you.

Have a nice day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand. Personally, I'd stop trying to connect with her. Maybe because you feel guilty about your feelings you're trying hard to make that connection. Some people are just not warm and reciprocal in that way. Obviously, I'm not saying shun her because you feel this way around her, and it doesn't sound at all like you're doing this. However, this lack of connection seems like a separate issue and that once you can control.

WHAT?!?! OP never said the family member isn't nice at all. I'm more well off than most of our cousins and they are always asking for a quarter or half a million for some concept they've dreamed up. Each time I've said, "Show me your business plan and DH and I will talk about investing," and it never materializes. And they think I'm a bitch for not just blindly writing them a check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand. Personally, I'd stop trying to connect with her. Maybe because you feel guilty about your feelings you're trying hard to make that connection. Some people are just not warm and reciprocal in that way. Obviously, I'm not saying shun her because you feel this way around her, and it doesn't sound at all like you're doing this. However, this lack of connection seems like a separate issue and that once you can control.

Thanks- I tried really hard in the beginning but when it wasn’t reciprocated I kind of gave up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

This is OP- Actually I’m not fat. The person I’m referencing is just super thin. I’d like to lose 5 pounds and be in better shape but very few people would look at me and think I’m fat.

You, on the other hand, don’t appear to be a nice person. Everyone else has been so thoughtful and understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. Personally, I'd stop trying to connect with her. Maybe because you feel guilty about your feelings you're trying hard to make that connection. Some people are just not warm and reciprocal in that way. Obviously, I'm not saying shun her because you feel this way around her, and it doesn't sound at all like you're doing this. However, this lack of connection seems like a separate issue and that once you can control.

WHAT?!?! OP never said the family member isn't nice at all. I'm more well off than most of our cousins and they are always asking for a quarter or half a million for some concept they've dreamed up. Each time I've said, "Show me your business plan and DH and I will talk about investing," and it never materializes. And they think I'm a bitch for not just blindly writing them a check.

Op said she had a hard time connecting with the person in one of her final sentences. You are correct. That doesn’t mean the family member isn’t nice. That’s different than having a connection. Not sure what that has to do with your references to your cousinS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. Personally, I'd stop trying to connect with her. Maybe because you feel guilty about your feelings you're trying hard to make that connection. Some people are just not warm and reciprocal in that way. Obviously, I'm not saying shun her because you feel this way around her, and it doesn't sound at all like you're doing this. However, this lack of connection seems like a separate issue and that once you can control.

WHAT?!?! OP never said the family member isn't nice at all. I'm more well off than most of our cousins and they are always asking for a quarter or half a million for some concept they've dreamed up. Each time I've said, "Show me your business plan and DH and I will talk about investing," and it never materializes. And they think I'm a bitch for not just blindly writing them a check.

Op said she had a hard time connecting with the person in one of her final sentences. You are correct. That doesn’t mean the family member isn’t nice. That’s different than having a connection. Not sure what that has to do with your references to your cousinS.

OP here: I’ve never asked this family member for anything.

[Anonymous]

A little distance would do wonders at this point, OP. That way you can still like her from a distance instead of hating her at close quarters.