Difficult not to compare myself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little distance would do wonders at this point, OP. That way you can still like her from a distance instead of hating her at close quarters.

I don’t hate her. I’m not sure how distance would help. I think getting to know her better would help but she clearly has no interest, I’ve tried.

[Anonymous]

I understand knowing she is thinner because that is a visual thing. How do you KNOW she is richer than you? Is everyone announcing their salaries and investments? People are rarely as the appear on the outside. Worry about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand knowing she is thinner because that is a visual thing. How do you KNOW she is richer than you? Is everyone announcing their salaries and investments? People are rarely as the appear on the outside. Worry about yourself.

I agree that people are rarely as they appear on the outside and I should worry about myself. The reason I know she is richer is extremely expensive cars, multiple (5M) houses, trips, high dollar donations etc etc. Pretty hard not to notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who is significantly richer and thinner than me. I know it’s bad, stupid and fruitless to compare myself but I just feel ugly, fat, poor and “less than” around her. I kind of dread spending time with her. I also feel guilty and shame feeling this way. I know intellectually she probably has problems I know nothing about and I’m sure her life isn’t perfect but it’s still hard not to compare. Intellectually, I do prefer my life over hers. She is difficult to connect with so that adds another layer.

Any one else have, or had, a similar situation?

This is your most important statement. Before you see this family member, take a few moments and consider why you prefer your life over hers. That becomes your silent mantra to yourself when you see her. Make it your happy.

Also, this sounds convoluted but bear with me … the way we feel about other people is often a reflection of what we think they feel about us. It becomes a vicious cycle. You think she thinks she is better than you so you reflect to her that you feel ugly, fat, poor, less than, and you act like a kicked dog so she becomes more rigid and less welcoming, etc., because she doesn't know how to respond and it is uncomfortable for her, too.

Try to change the dynamic around. If you start to reflect more positivity around her and to her, will her demeanor change around you? Meaning, if you become less uptight and beat up (for lack of better words), will she loosen up and become more relaxed around you? This gets back to you and your silent mantra of why you are happy to be you. Stop seeing yourself as you think she sees you, and start seeing yourself as you see you -- happy in your place, comfortable with yourself and knowing that you are happy with what you've chosen.

Also, people almost always respond positively when people say positive things to them. I'm not saying that you should be fake and obsequious but I am saying that there must be things about her that you value and appreciate, and that would be good discussion points. Try to think of some of those things in advance so that they can become topics. It may not even be about her physically or her lifestyle, but it could be her opinion about some common topic or even childhood memories. The more that you try to forge a bond the better you will feel and the better you will feel, and the cycle moves from being vicious to reciprocal.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

There are always going to be people who are wealthier or thinner than you. You can either do something about it - lose weight, make more money - or not worry about it. It's your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a family member who is significantly richer and thinner than me. I know it’s bad, stupid and fruitless to compare myself but I just feel ugly, fat, poor and “less than” around her. I kind of dread spending time with her. I also feel guilty and shame feeling this way. I know intellectually she probably has problems I know nothing about and I’m sure her life isn’t perfect but it’s still hard not to compare. Intellectually, I do prefer my life over hers. She is difficult to connect with so that adds another layer.

Any one else have, or had, a similar situation?

This is your most important statement. Before you see this family member, take a few moments and consider why you prefer your life over hers. That becomes your silent mantra to yourself when you see her. Make it your happy.

Also, this sounds convoluted but bear with me … the way we feel about other people is often a reflection of what we think they feel about us. It becomes a vicious cycle. You think she thinks she is better than you so you reflect to her that you feel ugly, fat, poor, less than, and you act like a kicked dog so she becomes more rigid and less welcoming, etc., because she doesn't know how to respond and it is uncomfortable for her, too.

Try to change the dynamic around. If you start to reflect more positivity around her and to her, will her demeanor change around you? Meaning, if you become less uptight and beat up (for lack of better words), will she loosen up and become more relaxed around you? This gets back to you and your silent mantra of why you are happy to be you. Stop seeing yourself as you think she sees you, and start seeing yourself as you see you -- happy in your place, comfortable with yourself and knowing that you are happy with what you've chosen.

Also, people almost always respond positively when people say positive things to them. I'm not saying that you should be fake and obsequious but I am saying that there must be things about her that you value and appreciate, and that would be good discussion points. Try to think of some of those things in advance so that they can become topics. It may not even be about her physically or her lifestyle, but it could be her opinion about some common topic or even childhood memories. The more that you try to forge a bond the better you will feel and the better you will feel, and the cycle moves from being vicious to reciprocal.

Good luck!

Thank you for this thoughtful post. It’s very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

Typical loser butterface. Thin is probably your only redeeming quality. Mitigates your horse face and flat ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

Typical loser butterface. Thin is probably your only redeeming quality. Mitigates your horse face and flat ass.

Wait - so is an overweight person and a thin person having a tit for tat convo here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

I’m asking this honestly and sincerely- What did you get out of posting this? Because if you can answer that, you can begin to heal whatever has made you so ugly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Typical fat person--will complaint about everyone and everything as an excuse to not look in the mirror and actually try to do something about her personal flaws.

I’m asking this honestly and sincerely- What did you get out of posting this? Because if you can answer that, you can begin to heal whatever has made you so ugly.

The ironic thing is the OP isn’t fat.