No more: I only make the effort if the kid is a true blue friend

[Anonymous]

It's freeing and I feel like it sends the right message. My kids can be friends with whoever they want at school. I feel fortunate they share stories with me of friends who become frenemies and I understand there are two sides, but regardless the stories tell me if the friendship is healthy. I no longer will make an effort if the friendship sounds troubled I will host a kid who plays well with mine and drive as much as is needed, but no more with the ones who are two faced. These birthday parties all seem to be some schlep on the beltway to a place where I am stuck finding a coffee place unless I want to spend most of my time driving back and forth. Weekends are my respite from work and I want to teach my kids that real friendships are the true gift and should be nurtured.

If a friendship is a mess for a while, but they sort it out and can interact well together than sure I'm game, otherwise, Uber/Lyft mommy is not open for business.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I also shlepped my child to Laser Tag parties and a few times to a party at the Catoctin Zoo, for which we had TO PAY, and in the end these friendships didn't last. The drive was wearing and it ate into my weekend. I often liked the parents of the child, but there was no way to socialize with them at their kid's birthday party.
Welcome to freedom!

[Anonymous]

Even if your kid wants to go? That’s pretty sad if he wants to go to Johnny’s birthday and you’ve decided Johnny is t a good enough friend, in your opinion.

[Anonymous]

You really can’t know which friendships will last, OP. Kids can be jerks, even good kids, and most if not all relationships have some conflict. My best friend from when I was 12 is still one of my best friends. When we were 16 we had a falling out and didn’t speak for a year. We were both in the wrong and both said all kids of negative things about one another. Thank goodness our respective parents took it all with a grain of salt and didn’t intervene one way or another. We both did some maturing and reconciled - still friends 25+ years later.

[Anonymous]

This is the age where friendships are often easy come, easy go. It's not fun, and sometimes it's not nice, but it's developmentally appropriate to move friendship groups--these kids don't even know who they are and the group dynamics are at a fever pitch in MS. if you don't want to drive or try on your kid's behalf, that's fine, own that, but this idea of "true blue" friends may be unrealistic. My truest/bluest friends didn't happen until late high school or college because we were more mature and capable of choosing compatible friends and sustaining friendships.

[Anonymous]

My introverted 13 year old doesn't have friends.

I'd drive a fair bit if he was invited somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really can’t know which friendships will last, OP. Kids can be jerks, even good kids, and most if not all relationships have some conflict. My best friend from when I was 12 is still one of my best friends. When we were 16 we had a falling out and didn’t speak for a year. We were both in the wrong and both said all kids of negative things about one another. Thank goodness our respective parents took it all with a grain of salt and didn’t intervene one way or another. We both did some maturing and reconciled - still friends 25+ years later.

OP here checking back in. Yeah my daughter had a whole meltdown last night over a friend turned enemy spreading rumors, excluding and being downright nasty. I have hosted this kid countless times, given her rides and driven to every birthday usually far enough away it practically eats up the entire Saturday. I had ups and downs with friends, but we lived closeby, and nobodies parents were having to do much and yes, my mother encouraged me to just pay attention tom and have over the friends who were consistently kind.. Plus, our birthdays were in basements. There was reciprocity with having eachother's kids over. I hear what you are saying and I agree. They can be friends at school, but I have done A LOT for this girl and my kid's various friends and now I am only putting in the energy if at the time it seems like a happy friendship-which includes having fights, but resolving them.

I am sure there have been many threads on this, but why oh why does everyone chose birthday parties far away. To the person who had pay too...been there. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. There are girls I have gone waaaay out of my way for, and they have been fair weather friends, at best.

There are other girls who are just lovely, kind, people. Those are the ones I will offer to help - driving both ways, being extra flexible with my schedule, etc.

No more my going out of my way, then watching a girl "zing" my quiet daughter with veiled insults. Done.

[Anonymous]

So you are not going to drive anyone’s child or have them over until they pass some arbitrary length-of-time that you think indicates they are a true blue friend? What is that magic length of time? How can you tell who is a friend to keep? I mean clearly you have judged badly up to know if you have (I mean, you DD has) been burned by them in the past.

And how about of you just decline all parties that don’t fit in your family’s schedule? That’s what normal people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It's freeing and I feel like it sends the right message. My kids can be friends with whoever they want at school. I feel fortunate they share stories with me of friends who become frenemies and I understand there are two sides, but regardless the stories tell me if the friendship is healthy. I no longer will make an effort if the friendship sounds troubled I will host a kid who plays well with mine and drive as much as is needed, but no more with the ones who are two faced. These birthday parties all seem to be some schlep on the beltway to a place where I am stuck finding a coffee place unless I want to spend most of my time driving back and forth. Weekends are my respite from work and I want to teach my kids that real friendships are the true gift and should be nurtured.

If a friendship is a mess for a while, but they sort it out and can interact well together than sure I'm game, otherwise, Uber/Lyft mommy is not open for business.

This is why God invented public transportation. You know, subway? Buses?
Not in the burbs of Washington, though, or so it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. There are girls I have gone waaaay out of my way for, and they have been fair weather friends, at best.

There are other girls who are just lovely, kind, people. Those are the ones I will offer to help - driving both ways, being extra flexible with my schedule, etc.

No more my going out of my way, then watching a girl "zing" my quiet daughter with veiled insults. Done.

Whenever I hear about "fairweather friends," I wonder if these girls are in a popular group that your DD would like to join. IF so, the girls might hang out with her, but they probably don't put as much value on the friendship as your DD does Many times, parents accept that these "reach" friendships require a lot of work (driving around etc) that isn't reciprocated by the other parents.

Wish I had some advice for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. There are girls I have gone waaaay out of my way for, and they have been fair weather friends, at best.

There are other girls who are just lovely, kind, people. Those are the ones I will offer to help - driving both ways, being extra flexible with my schedule, etc.

No more my going out of my way, then watching a girl "zing" my quiet daughter with veiled insults. Done.

Whenever I hear about "fairweather friends," I wonder if these girls are in a popular group that your DD would like to join. IF so, the girls might hang out with her, but they probably don't put as much value on the friendship as your DD does Many times, parents accept that these "reach" friendships require a lot of work (driving around etc) that isn't reciprocated by the other parents.

Wish I had some advice for you.

There’s more than a grain of truth here. I hear from their moms that they do it to each other,though, too. High drama - seems it’s not really recess unless someone cries (this is even if my kid is home sick or playing with others or in the library, so she’s not the one crying).

Part of me is almost looking forward to middle school for her, where there will be a much larger pool of possible friends.

[Anonymous]

You are way too invested in your kid's drama. Maybe find a soap opera to watch instead, so she can figure these things out on her own. And you will realize your misguided attempt to be the kingmaker is the symptom of your problem, not hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are way too invested in your kid's drama. Maybe find a soap opera to watch instead, so she can figure these things out on her own. And you will realize your misguided attempt to be the kingmaker is the symptom of your problem, not hers.

+1

Thank you. Who ARE these mothers who have this kind of time, effort and drama in their lives? Let me know so I can avoid you. OP, please, for the sake of your family, do NOT pass and push this social ineptitude of yours onto your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are way too invested in your kid's drama. Maybe find a soap opera to watch instead, so she can figure these things out on her own. And you will realize your misguided attempt to be the kingmaker is the symptom of your problem, not hers.

No, I work and I have no time for drama. I am teaching my child we value good solid friendships and it is important for the kids who do mean girl things to learn that you lose friends and favors when you act cruel. Sorry, I am not a taxi cab for people who chose to be rude. We welcome into our home and car those who are respectful. luckily DD has those friends and those are the friendships we encourage.

By the way the last girl this mean girl targeted ended up getting psychiatric and psychological care for suicidal thoughts. My daughter is doing well thank goodness and respects our decision. Yes, I pay attention to my daughters social life enough to make sure she gets away from toxic relationships before they eat away at her mental health.