If your spouse or SO asked you to stop spending time with a friend would you?

[Anonymous]

By SO I mean bf/gf of 1 year or more.

Nothing is going on between you and the friend and nothing ever has.
You’ve told this to your spouse/so. There was some tension between your SO and friend prior to the two of you getting together. Friend is not a lifelong friend you met friend same time as SO but spent more time with friend and knew them better. SO initially thought you and friend were dating.

So is not a jealous person and this is the first time requesting something like this.

[Anonymous]

I would.

[Anonymous]

Based on that scenario? Maybe not, but then I can't imagine my husband asking me to stop seeing somebody in that instance. There is no evidence of romantic feelings and SO hasn't given a good reason (or have they?) for you to stop seeing friend. What is the reason given?

[Anonymous]

Big red flag!

[Anonymous]

What was the tension about? That’s context we need.

[Anonymous]

Depends. If I was genuinely friends with this other person, had never dated them and had zero romantic feelings for them, and was not engaging in inappropriate behavior with them--meaning, I wasn't spending excessive amount of time with them, not keeping visits a secret, not texting constantly, and not sharing my relationship dirty laundry with them--then probably not. I would expect my SO to articulate exactly why they wanted me to stop spending time with this person--what has anyone said or done that's a problem? Why, specifically, don't they trust me? If they can't, then it's just jealousy and controlling behavior, and I'm not going to play along with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. If I was genuinely friends with this other person, had never dated them and had zero romantic feelings for them, and was not engaging in inappropriate behavior with them--meaning, I wasn't spending excessive amount of time with them, not keeping visits a secret, not texting constantly, and not sharing my relationship dirty laundry with them--then probably not. I would expect my SO to articulate exactly why they wanted me to stop spending time with this person--what has anyone said or done that's a problem? Why, specifically, don't they trust me? If they can't, then it's just jealousy and controlling behavior, and I'm not going to play along with that.

+1 But if I could see why they were concerned, I would consider it.

[Anonymous]

Yes
Completely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Big red flag!

+1

Controlling behavior, look out.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who makes it clear she disapproves of other friends. I ignore her jibes. If my spouse was uncomfortable I'd go to lunch or shopping with a friend but not invite her over or set up group functions with both of them included. I'd try to avoid mentioning her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. If I was genuinely friends with this other person, had never dated them and had zero romantic feelings for them, and was not engaging in inappropriate behavior with them--meaning, I wasn't spending excessive amount of time with them, not keeping visits a secret, not texting constantly, and not sharing my relationship dirty laundry with them--then probably not. I would expect my SO to articulate exactly why they wanted me to stop spending time with this person--what has anyone said or done that's a problem? Why, specifically, don't they trust me? If they can't, then it's just jealousy and controlling behavior, and I'm not going to play along with that.

Good post. OP, you have to examine whether you really are acting on the up-and-up wrt this "friend." I have several opposite sex friends (as does DH) and it's fine -- because it's clear that those relationships are simple friendships, not more.

[Anonymous]

No way. I did this for my bf (now DH), ended up losing most of my friends and dropping most of my activities because he didn't approve. It started with one reasonable request and snowballed from there. It's still a huge problem- he doesn't even like me hanging out with other SAHMs, even though clearly there is no threat there.

If I could do things over I would have left him the moment this controlling behavior surfaced.

[Anonymous]

Self esteem education is so important for young girls. I can't even imagine a man, or anyone else for that matter, requesting that I not spend time with someone.

[Anonymous]

Big red flag imo dep on details

[Anonymous]

Not enough information to answer properly.