Does couples counseling work?
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Anonymous
| My husband just told me he wanted a divorce. We’ve been married for 14 years. We’ve dealt with a lot of stress over the years and of course there have been ups and downs. I asked him to wait until after Christmas for our kids sake and he agreed. I’m sooo sad. I don’t want to break up our family. I don’t want to be alone. I still love him. I made an appointment for us to see a marriage counselor. I told him I would let him go (if you love something set it free, right?) but only if he would talk to someone with me. He agreed. Has anyone out there had success with marriage counseling or is this just over? Is there any hope left? I look at my kids and all I can think of is how it’s our last Christmas as a family. I look at my husband and I miss him. |
Anonymous
| Sorry you are going through this OP. First and foremost, no matter what happens you will be okay. It does not feel like it now and it will be really hard for a long time but you will survive and be happy again one day. Know this is not what you want to hear, but as far as counseling goes, I think that if someone has already made a decision to be done like your DH seems to have done it is unlikely to work. It just becomes a box checking exercise - “I tried everything I could. Even went to counseling.” You should still go and try, but don’t have false hope. Start at least envisioning what your life will look like solo now and planning for it. Good luck. I have been there and know it is a terrible place to be. |
Anonymous
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In some cases it works. In some cases it doesn’t. In some cases it prolongs the inevitable.
Do you know why he wants a divorce (you don’t have to tell us, just asking if he gave a reason)? Unless one of you is abusive, I’m in the “worth a shot” camp. Even if you split, you will need to discuss some things, and this will give you a mediated forum to have those conversations. Also, I would find an individual counselor for yourself. |
Anonymous
| It works if there is some commitment to the relationship. If your husband is only doing it to appease you on the way out the door, it's not going to work. |
Anonymous
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OP, the purpose of couples therapy isn't to keep the couple together. It's to help them communicate better and learn more about their relationship and each other, so they can make the best informed decision. So, you and your husband may go through the process and decide to stay married, or you may not. But that he's willing to go is a good sign that, at the very least, he'll be decent going forward, whether you stay together or not. Divorce sucks, but acrimonious ones suck exponentially more.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Take good care. |
Anonymous
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Counseling "works" if you are open and receptive to change. Your husband asked you for a divorce, not to make things right or to make the relationship work.
Sounds like he's already out the door. Lock down your finances, start taking care of business, and find a good lawyer now. Counseling is a good idea too, if only for yourself. |
Anonymous
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It worked for my marriage even though I felt 100% done. I agreed to try it bc I was too embarrassed to go straight to divorce. We had one major and significant underlying issue combined with a whole host of poor communication, division of labor etc more standard marriage issues. DH was able to resolve the major issue with his own treatment and then in counseling we were able to work through all the impacts that had had on our marriage as well as the other issues.
It can take a few months. I’d suggest going into it as thinking you and dh need a strong productive relationship for the kids whether you are married or divorced. In counseling it may bridge your gap enough that dh sees a future together, or it may just make it so you can effectively co-parent but either way working through it for 3months or so is worthwhile to your family |
Anonymous
Correct. If one person is going to “check the box” and not actually change or practice what the therapist purports, it is a big waste of time and money. Same waste if one is doing it to “not look like the bad guy” or “look we tired it!” Furthermore, and not sure what type of person OPs spouse is, but some show up lying and lying. Ask a critical question and you get lies or “I forget” or “I don’t know”. After about 10 “I don’t knows” and hour you all can tell it will go nowhere with this individual. I’d try to talk and use a mediator and find out THe REAL ISSUE. It could be one persons depression or an affair, or unrealistic expectations if married (and no friends to talk e to discover everyone has hectic times!), financial, etc. Don’t just sit and nod - ask him WHY he wants it needs a divorce? Has he even thought through what Co parenting involves? Is he copping out and merely saying something weak and generic like “we have different personalities” duh, everyone does, you learn to communicate well and work as a team. Any family goals set ever? I’d fight this until I knew the truth. |
Anonymous
Pls tell me he resolved and treated his adhd and things got better... |
Anonymous
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In my experience, no.
One party has already checked out of the relationship, and agrees to counseling so they can later say "we tried everything but it didn't work". The other party is desperate to save the marriage, and eagerly listens to all the suggestions of the counselor for how to improve the relationship - which of course don't work because the other party has already checked out. The counselor laughs all the way to the bank. |
Anonymous
| It did not in my case. And a year out I must say I’m truly happy. Happier than I’ve been in a long time. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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Went to 3 sessions with my STBXW, she didn't put in any effort. Waste of money unless both partners are willing to see that happens.
She was just checking off the box on the way out. It's been all downhill since then. I moved on with a wonderful woman and aside from missing my kids bc she's unwilling to split time 50-50, I'm very happy. |
Anonymous
| Depends on if he wants to make it work or not. Do you think he does? |
Anonymous
this. |
Anonymous
You can only control your decisions. Your DH will decide what he wants, not you. This is the reality. My XW after 21 years of marriage, did not want to be in the marriage. I had no say. It sucked but you will be ok. |