Dealing with mil and her fomo?

[Anonymous]

I’m having a hard time dealing with my MIL fomo.

It started a few years ago when we were trying to strengthen our relationship. We (me, usually the kids) were doing things like meeting for lunch, coffee, a mall run, etc. I’d mention things like, “We (me and young kids) met my parents for coffee yesterday” or “I’m having dinner with my parents tonight”. I quickly realized she couldn’t handle this knowledge, so I stopped telling her what I did with my parents (or anything else that would spark jealousy). But as the kids got older, they want to proudly tell both sets of grandparents what they do with the other. My parents can handle it, MIL can’t.

It’s worse now, because MIL moved a ways away a few years ago. While she still gets quantity visits, sadly, they aren’t frequent. My parents are still close, and do pop in for more frequent—albeit shorter—visits. Like today, I’m meeting them after school pickup for an ice cream /coffee with the kids. 30-45 minutes tops. We may have dinner over the weekend, a couple hours tops.

MIL, however, typically takes the kids for long overnights 1-2 times a month. Basically from the time school gets out Friday until late Saturday, or sometimes all day Saturday and home before bedtime Sunday. So like 30 hours.

But she just has this fomo and constantly complains to DH about how often my parents get to see our kids (which is true, but they live closer!) I don’t know how to handle it. She always subtly digs at me about it when we are together, such as asking the kids if they saw my parents this week, then looking at me and saying, “Oh that’s nice.” but with a look that could kill. I don’t dare utter mention of my parents (and I vague answer when she asks), but she always gets it out of the kids, or assumes in her head. DH has explained a million times that they are closer so it’s easier for them to pop in, and that they don’t do long visits with my folks. It doesn’t help. Will anything help?

[Anonymous]

Your use of fomo is annoying.

Nothing will help unless you start directly stating in as short of sentences as possible what you need from her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m having a hard time dealing with my MIL fomo.

It started a few years ago when we were trying to strengthen our relationship. We (me, usually the kids) were doing things like meeting for lunch, coffee, a mall run, etc. I’d mention things like, “We (me and young kids) met my parents for coffee yesterday” or “I’m having dinner with my parents tonight”. I quickly realized she couldn’t handle this knowledge, so I stopped telling her what I did with my parents (or anything else that would spark jealousy). But as the kids got older, they want to proudly tell both sets of grandparents what they do with the other. My parents can handle it, MIL can’t.

It’s worse now, because MIL moved a ways away a few years ago. While she still gets quantity visits, sadly, they aren’t frequent. My parents are still close, and do pop in for more frequent—albeit shorter—visits. Like today, I’m meeting them after school pickup for an ice cream /coffee with the kids. 30-45 minutes tops. We may have dinner over the weekend, a couple hours tops.

MIL, however, typically takes the kids for long overnights 1-2 times a month. Basically from the time school gets out Friday until late Saturday, or sometimes all day Saturday and home before bedtime Sunday. So like 30 hours.

But she just has this fomo and constantly complains to DH about how often my parents get to see our kids (which is true, but they live closer!) I don’t know how to handle it. She always subtly digs at me about it when we are together, such as asking the kids if they saw my parents this week, then looking at me and saying, “Oh that’s nice.” but with a look that could kill. I don’t dare utter mention of my parents (and I vague answer when she asks), but she always gets it out of the kids, or assumes in her head. DH has explained a million times that they are closer so it’s easier for them to pop in, and that they don’t do long visits with my folks. It doesn’t help. Will anything help?

No, she just enjoys playing the role of the saintly, neglected grandma. If only her meanie DIL and DIL's greedy parents weren't so difficult.

I'd ignore and let husband run interference when he needs/wants to.

[Anonymous]

If you’re going out of your way to see her without DH, I’d stop. I’m not going to listen to someone be nasty to me while I’m trying to help them. I’d probably scale back and let DH handle the visits we usually do together on his own a bit more too.

[Anonymous]

Why the heck are you doing so much?? Trying to strengthen your relationship?? I'm sorry but as a woman I'm crying inside. Have your dh speak directly to his mom and tell her to cut it out.

"I'm sad I can't see the kids for ice cream daily." You: "If you lived closer you'd see them more. As it is now, you see them for long stretches, but if you don't like that we can cut back on those."

[Anonymous]

Could DH have a talk with her? He could try a gentle approach before getting to "cut it out, Mom."

If that doesn't work, figure out some kind of rote response. She says, "That sounds nice." You say, "Yes, it was!" smiling brightly and move on. Or, just completely ignore, and if she follows up, say, "Oh! I thought you were talking to the kids!"

If you'd like to be more direct, consider, "You know, given how upset you get when we talk about seeing my parents, I'm surprised you ask the kids about it. Of course we see my parents more often--they're so close by. Of course we don't see you as often as we used to--you moved much further away--but the visits we make to you now are much longer. We're doing our best, and we don't appreciate hearing complaints about it."

[Anonymous]

Stop acting defensive and start acting like these things are no big deal. "Yes it's really great they have such loving grandparents on both sides!"

The more you just live your life, and not plan around her immature reaction, the better. I do still edit how much I tell my MIL (as does my DH) about my own mother. But if it comes up or is obvious, I don't act like it was a bad thing, or something that I need to cover up.

It's too bad this has gotten worse. I think my own MIL is relaxing about this now that my kid's affection for her is clearly not limited because of my mother. She has her own relationship with them. They don't love one grandma less etc. We'll see what happens when they are a bit older...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could DH have a talk with her? He could try a gentle approach before getting to "cut it out, Mom."

If that doesn't work, figure out some kind of rote response. She says, "That sounds nice." You say, "Yes, it was!" smiling brightly and move on. Or, just completely ignore, and if she follows up, say, "Oh! I thought you were talking to the kids!"

If you'd like to be more direct, consider, "You know, given how upset you get when we talk about seeing my parents, I'm surprised you ask the kids about it. Of course we see my parents more often--they're so close by. Of course we don't see you as often as we used to--you moved much further away--but the visits we make to you now are much longer. We're doing our best, and we don't appreciate hearing complaints about it."

I'd leave that off. In my experience, this is like throwing gasoline on the spark.

[Anonymous]

Her, hearing about your parents' time with the kids: “Oh that’s nice.” but with a look that could kill.

You: "Yes, Larla, we miss having you nearby as well."

[Anonymous]

My mom was pretty evil to her ILs so I've been shocked at what a nice person she is to my ILs (my kids other grandparents). She constantly says things like "I'm just glad there are other grandparents who give love to my grandkids" and encourages my kids to talk to the other grandparents at parties because they don't see them as much. But then I realized that that's what healthy grandparents do to the other set of grandparents. (And my ILs have been pretty mean to my parents, so this is my parents building a bridge)

I would call out your MIL if she said something like that underhanded. Don't be a doormat. She's never going to stop saying things like that unless someone calls her out, preferably her son.

[Anonymous]

Wtf is fomo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her, hearing about your parents' time with the kids: “Oh that’s nice.” but with a look that could kill.

You: "Yes, Larla, we miss having you nearby as well."

This.
My inlaws are close but also have fomo sometimes. Because my parents see dd for longer visits because they can handle and overnight and 8 hrs with a Toddler and the inlaws can’t as they get tired and winded after 2 hrs at their house (not even a playground).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But she just has this fomo and constantly complains to DH about how often my parents get to see our kids (which is true, but they live closer!) I don’t know how to handle it. She always subtly digs at me about it when we are together, such as asking the kids if they saw my parents this week, then looking at me and saying, “Oh that’s nice.” but with a look that could kill. I don’t dare utter mention of my parents (and I vague answer when she asks), but she always gets it out of the kids, or assumes in her head. DH has explained a million times that they are closer so it’s easier for them to pop in, and that they don’t do long visits with my folks. It doesn’t help. Will anything help?

First, tell your DH not to pass on his mother's complaints.
Second, ignore her looks. They do not need to bother you. Just carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf is fomo?

fear of missing out

[Anonymous]

I had to google fomo. And now I’m even more annoyed. OP, you sound truly insufferable. I feel sorry for your family, including your MIL.