I've reached my breaking point

[Anonymous]

I need to quit my job or make a drastic change NOW. DH works crazy hours. My job (law firm) is way too stressful and unpredictable, even part-time. I am miserable, exhausted and snapping at my family constantly. Problem is, I'm terrified to quit. I have been at the same job for a long time and even though I work way to many hours and have incredible levels of stress at all times, I think staying at home might even be worse for me mentally and correspondingly, for my family as well (for me personally, no flames please). I have looked for a long time for another job that would give me flexibility like I have now and that would allow me to work reduced hours. Government would be great, but it seems like it would have to be full-time and without the ability to come and go like I can now to go to school events, etc. That really wouldn't work for us right now. I know this is such a personal decision, but for any moms who have been there, what did you do? And for those who decided to stay home despite fears that they would be unhappy doing so, how has it turned out? And for any lawyer moms out there, has anyone successfully taken a year off and returned to the work force part-time?

[Anonymous]

I am not a mom but a SAHD. I think it is better to get serious about looking for that job than to quit and throw your self into SAH parenting. It's not the kind of thing that will go well if you are doing it to escape a bad situation. It's too much of a grind. Most people are afraid when they make the leap, but they are either doing it because they also want it, or because they have no other economic choice. Either way, that keeps them going.

You obviously want a job but you need to find one you like. If you are a lawyer, I would think you could find part time work in corporate counsel. Regardless, you need to make the job search a full time priority. Don't let one bad situation cause you to throw yourself into another one. I love SAH, but you sound like you already know it's not your thing.

[Anonymous]

I am not a lawyer, but can testify that as much as I hated being "forced out" of work at the time, it was the best thing that happened for my mental/physical health, that of my baby, and made my DH much less stressed out. Leaving made me fully realize the impossible stress my very kid-unfriendly workplace had placed on us.

If you are feeling that burned out, I feel you may really benefit from a prolonged absence from work, as well as time to reconnect to your family.

If you leery of making the plunge, can you request an extended leave of absence from your workplace?

[Anonymous]

Take a look at county government. The pay isn't as great as the feds, but there's more flexibility. We have several women working part time in my office, and that alone gives them the flexibility to go to school functions, etc. If their regular day off is Friday, for example, they could switch that for the Wednesday they need off for a school play or field trip. Or take leave if they still need the Friday off (they earn leave, but at a slower rate than full time people do). The hard part is they aren't hiring much right now, and local government takes about a year longer to recover from a recession than the rest of the nation does. So it might be a while.

[Anonymous]

OP, first question is can you make it on your hubby's salary for a few months (minimum)? If so, than quit. Take a month off (no job hunting) and use it as a vacation and to regain your sanity from the stressed out situation you were in. In that month, enjoy your baby, knowing it is like a 'vacation'. Then job hunt for your needs. Good luck.

[zumbamama]

Have you thought about teaching? I know many moms who teach what they used to practice, in various fields. It might not pay as much, but you'd still be connected to your field and could set a more flexible schedule for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Former lawyer here. Took me about a year to adapt to being SAHM (I was pretty bitchy that first year). I'll bet when it comes time I won't be going back into a firm.

[Anonymous]

I have been a SAHM for a year and have been struggling with my lost identity as a law firm lawyer. I hated being there so much, but now that I have left I definitely feel a void. And after so long doing it I wonder if I can ever find something else-- I feel so beat down that I don't know if I could start over doing something new. But I am loving my time home with DS and I know in this economy it is next to impossible to land a government or non-profit job as every former law firm lawyer is out there hunting. So I'm sitting tight for now knowing that this is a time with my baby that I will never get again, and that I can always try my hand at law again in the future. Best of luck, there are no easy decisions.

[Anonymous]

I am a lawyer and mother of two. I used to work at a firm (part time), and certainly understand your stress. But I wouldn't quit your job because, with all the negatives of law firm life, the flexibility is wonderful for a parent. So instead of quitting, I would try to take a leave of absence (maybe for a year). My firm allowed several mothers to do that. Some came back after a year, while others decided to stay home. This should give you a good idea of what it's like to be a SAHM, and whether it's something you might actually enjoy. If not, the leave will give you some time to reassess your career. FWIW, I moved into academia. It's certainly not an easy job, and I work very hard, but I'm not stressed like I was at the firm. I really think that being in Washington, D.C., there are so many options for lawyers, and if you choose not to return to the firm, but decide that staying home is not for you either, you'll be able to find something that works for you and your family. I wish you the best of luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm not a lawyer but was high up my profession. I was in a very high profile, demanding position and loved it. But, I had two kids under the age of 2 and knew I had to make a change. I srted looking for jobs closer to home - any job. It took about a year but I found a job as an analyst - one that I'd done about 12 years ago. It was definitely a step backwards on the career path but it was the right thing to do. It took me a little while to adjust to being a worker bee rather than a decision maker but I have flexible hours and am only responsible for my little area. I'm confident that, someday, I'll can get back on the career path if I wanted to not for a long time.

FWIW, I used to think that I could never be a SAHM. I liked working too much and I felt really good about what I did and how it made me feel. I've been in my worker bee position about 2 years and I would LOVE to be a SAHM. My oldest is now 6, in school, and I can see how transferable my work skills are to other areas of my life, particularly school needs. I could really contribute a lot more to the community if I had more time. I do what I can now and folks are grateful but there is such a need. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Oh wow, I could have written this post! OP I feel your pain, except I am actually looking forward to staying home. Not finding fault with your feelings at all, it's just where I am mentally -- i'm ready to stay home with the kids and get things done on that front instead. My feelings of frustration stem from the constant demands from work about DUMB things. Being part time is a great thing to be able to do, but I feel like I've gotten pigeonholed into doing horribly boring things that I don't care about and I just can't justify leaving my kids to do it.

A few things I've considered: what would our days look like? Just a general structure to things. What would I expect of DH on the home front on a daily basis? (Part of our goal is to let him get out the door earlier so he can get his day doing earlier and might actually be able to come home at a reasonable time) What will I feel like when DH is stuck working until 11 pm for weeks on end? When he has a cool case that makes me wish I were working? How will I be able to get myself some adult contact during the day/week? What will I feel like in a few years when the kids are in school all day?

I've thought about teaching as an adjuct at a local law school, either a substantive class or legal research.

What kind of law do you practice? I've seen some ads for part time positions, but most of them are for corporate types. (I litigate, so I haven't pursued them.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not a lawyer, but can testify that as much as I hated being "forced out" of work at the time, it was the best thing that happened for my mental/physical health, that of my baby, and made my DH much less stressed out. Leaving made me fully realize the impossible stress my very kid-unfriendly workplace had placed on us.

If you are feeling that burned out, I feel you may really benefit from a prolonged absence from work, as well as time to reconnect to your family.

If you leery of making the plunge, can you request an extended leave of absence from your workplace?

Agree with this posted. I was also miserable in a law firm job but was afraid to leave because I was scared to do something different. Anyway got fired in January (I can now admit that I probably sobotaged myself) and after about a week of feeling really down I realized what I blessing it was. I managed to find a new position in 6 months, but those were a great six months and my entire outlook changed and my family is the better for it.

If you can swing it, take a break.

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, there are middle grounds out there, they just require patience and perserverence to find. I used to be at BigLaw and could never have kept it up w/ kids -- I am amazed that any mom can. I am now at a small boutique where quality of life and family are of foremost importance to all the attorneys in our group and respected by our clients. I bill about 1400-1500 hrs/yr (and that's considered full time), make a very good salary, only have to travel 1-2x/year, and do intellectually stimulating transactional work. I do wish sometimes that I could stay home, b/c even with very manageable hours (basically 9-5, except when there's a closing, and then I usually resume work after DD is asleep), I hate only having 3-4 hours a day with my DD on work days, it just doesn't feel like that's enough for us, at my (and, I fear, perhaps her) most visceral, biological, emotional, psychic core. But I cherish what I have in my job, know it's not easy to come by, and love and am stimulated by my work, which helps keep me a sane and happy mom. Most days, that makes the deep ache I feel not being with DD bearable. Most days. It's not an easy choice, whichever route you choose. All that to say, if you do feel in your heart of hearts that staying home FT is not the right thing for you, for any number of reasons, I encourage you to keep looking for a more family-friendly position, whether with county, state or fed. government, a consulting or contract-attorney firm, a boutique, or in-house, all of which can, if you find the right placement, provide a very manageable work/family life balance. All the best to you OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have a practice that you could transition into a solo practice?

[Anonymous]

I was at a boutique law firm with a huge level of stress and the hours of BigLaw. I worked there for way too long before I quit and went out on my own. Now, my time belongs to me. I work fulltime, but on my terms. On Friday, I was at my daughter's school Halloween party. Today, I sent her off to school and went back to bed for a while. The week after Thanksgiving I have a huge trial and will be spending some portion of the holiday weekend in the office finishing trial prep. Any way I look at it, life is way better now. The bonus for me has been that after YEARS of prefering daddy, my kid actually asks me to hang out with her. And this has NEVER EVER happened before. She asks me to read to her. She asks me if I will come to her stuff at school. She wants to spend time with me. I can say for sure I will treasure these memories with her more than ANYTHING good that happened at my old firm.