I think I need outside help, but am frozen

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I'm loathe to put too many details here, because I'm slightly terrified of my husband somehow finding this post and figuring out I wrote. Hence, I've tried to keep pronouns as limited as possible. Here's the nutshell: I don't like anger (probably partly my own anxiety and codependence issues) so I really hate it when husband (let's just call him "H") yells at the kids or is seething internally. We have 2 kids, one is a preschooler and the other is still an infant. Lately, he loses his temper on a daily basis with the preschooler. He gets extremely frustrated with the baby when he can't get the baby to do something (sleep, relax, etc.). My work requires me to travel. We have a nanny that spends long days with the infant.

I often feel uncomfortable leaving him with both kids. I hate that he yells at the preschooler for being...a preschooler. The child is actually very good, very sweet with typical preschool boundary pushing issues, but nothing crazy. When the preschooler doesn't do what he wants, or drags their feet (e.g., wants to keep playing instead of going to bed) H can get really worked up about it.

I've tried to discuss his anger with him before, and how he takes it out on me sometimes too, but he gets extremely defensive and always blames me for being over sensitive. I admit that I am very sensitive, the thing is, he knows this about me, so I feel like he should be sensitive to that - at least a little bit. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable? I've suggested that he see someone to work on his issues, and after a blow up he is more likely to agree to do that, but then never does.

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this because if I do, they may judge him harshly, and nearly all of my friends are mutual friends. I don't want to risk turning people against him. He's a good person, but I do think he has an anger problem, and I worry what it's going to do to my daughter's self esteem.

A small part of me feels like I need to start exploring my options, or lay down an ultimatum, but another part of me cringes at that thought. Even if i'm done with the relationship, I know he would fight for custody, and I can't stand to think of what he would be like with both kids during his visitation without me as a moderating influence.

Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Maybe we're both the problem? WTF should I do?

[Anonymous]

Is he willing to admit he at he has anger issues as it relates to the children? If so, he may need some counseling for how to deal with it. If he's not willing to admit to it I'd be worried about my children's safety. Pre-schoolers can drive people crazy but they are pre-schoolers!

[Anonymous]

Get into counseling asap. If you are afraid to leave your kids with him, that doesn't sound good at all.

Start keeping a log on what happens so that you can go through specific examples with a counselor. A counselor will be in a better place to discuss bounds of normality.

So sorry you are going through this - pre-schoolers and infants shouldn't be having to deal with angry parents...

[Anonymous]

Try PEP classes. Parenting classes that you both take so that someone else is telling you best parenting methods instead of you “criticizing him” or “being too sensitive”.

PEP also had a “managing your anger class” that was extremely useful and challenged some of my underlying rationales for why I got angry.

You can take the class together or each take it separately. PEP has babysitting for kids during class.

It works better if you both take it so you are both implementing similar approaches. Also, obviously not going to go over well if you tell him he has an anger or parenting problem so he has to take a class.

[Anonymous]

This was exactly us. I feel for you. Mine would say the mean meanest things to the point that Inwould sob in the shower and felt a pain from my chest to the tips of my fingers. It’s called verbal and emotional abuse and borderline child abuse. I also was uncomfortable leaving him with my infant/toddler. Hence, quit my job to avoid that. Now, not sure that was the right decision.

Get him help. If he cannot handle a toddler or infant who are his own flesh and blood and completely innocent, he needs help. Have him get a full check up. We found out mine had severe anxiety and a hormone imbalance. Plus, he went to anger management, and we went to couples counseling. On the kay occasion he pulled is crap, I, as always, remained calm in front of the kids but that night, I let him have it. I flat out told him that I wanted a divorce and had already talked to a lawyer. He woke up real quick.

I hope that it’s medical so it can be an easy fix. My heart aches for you.

[Anonymous]

22:07 poster again

Forgot to mention, divorce will not help shield your kids from his anger. Unless he does something egregious more than once, he will have the right to be with them alone. This is the reason I stuck it out with my husband and we later found out his issues. With that being said, we are not perfect. I just posted about how to manage career and kids with a husband who is very hands off.

My husband adores our older kid now and their relationship became much better once she was out of diapers and past the difficult toddler years. We still have our two year old who he can be mean to. I do my best to serve as a buffer.

If you have a strong career and family support, I would prepare, see a lawyer, hold out until the infant is around 3. If he is still not better with older kids, then perhaps divorce is best. Good luck. I’m rooting for you and your babies.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the sentiment that divorce won’t make it better and approaching the issue from parenting and we need help is the most effective. As an aside, why the 2nd knowing DH can’t deal? If he really wanted another I’d use it as leverage

[Anonymous]

Living in this kind of tension, fear and mistrust can make you feel like you are frozen and don't know which way to go. This is not a healthy or safe situation for your children and you don't say if the nanny has mentioned any of the things that are happening in your home. Please take a look at these just to get perspective on what is happening https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/ten-dos-and-donts-for-dealing-with-an-angry-partner/. Then get help in counseling (the advice to keep a record of what is happening is good). If you feel you need to, go to a safe house for women who are dealing with an angry man or do something to protect yourself and especially your children. Your husband needs help before he does something you all will have to live with. It seems you are the key person to bring help to this situation. I pray for wisdom and strength.

[Anonymous]

I commend you for reaching out! You sound like a very loving and caring mother. I’m sorry you are experiencing fear and anxiety even at the thought of your husband reading this post. That makes me sad. Have you considered asking your husband to go to counseling with you? My husband and I spoke with our pastor and we saw a Christian counselor. Both were very supportive and offered good, sound advice. You may even want to consider going alone if he won’t go with you. Your family is worth it! And since it’s a neutral party so you won’t have to worry about having friends judge him too harshly. Have you considered calling the national domestic violence hotline? I know it may sound extreme in this instance but it is completely confidential and they can answer any questions you have about the unhealthy aspects of your relationship. I will be praying for you, for God’s direction and for peace with your decisions.

[Anonymous]

I think this is more common than people think and this post couple be written by so many - we tried individual but it didn’t help at all - so I switched us to couples counseling which oddly has helped his anger a ton - partially because im there so there is some accountability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is more common than people think and this post couple be written by so many - we tried individual but it didn’t help at all - so I switched us to couples counseling which oddly has helped his anger a ton - partially because im there so there is some accountability

sadly, I agree with PP...I think this is more common than we know, your DH sounds a lot like my DH, I've seen too many posts recently that describe this angry behavior.

[Anonymous]

I too am in this situation OP, and am staying in my marriage because I fear for my kids when their dad would have custody of them alone. I have no social life anymore because I don't want to leave him alone with them. It truly sucks, but protect your kids, no matter what. I hope to escape when my kids are older and can send fend more for themselves.