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[quote=Anonymous]Hi,

I'm loathe to put too many details here, because I'm slightly terrified of my husband somehow finding this post and figuring out I wrote. Hence, I've tried to keep pronouns as limited as possible. Here's the nutshell: I don't like anger (probably partly my own anxiety and codependence issues) so I really hate it when husband (let's just call him "H") yells at the kids or is seething internally. We have 2 kids, one is a preschooler and the other is still an infant. Lately, he loses his temper on a daily basis with the preschooler. He gets extremely frustrated with the baby when he can't get the baby to do something (sleep, relax, etc.). My work requires me to travel. We have a nanny that spends long days with the infant.

I often feel uncomfortable leaving him with both kids. I hate that he yells at the preschooler for being...a preschooler. The child is actually very good, very sweet with typical preschool boundary pushing issues, but nothing crazy. When the preschooler doesn't do what he wants, or drags their feet (e.g., wants to keep playing instead of going to bed) H can get really worked up about it.

I've tried to discuss his anger with him before, and how he takes it out on me sometimes too, but he gets extremely defensive and always blames me for being over sensitive. I admit that I am very sensitive, the thing is, he knows this about me, so I feel like he should be sensitive to that - at least a little bit. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable? I've suggested that he see someone to work on his issues, and after a blow up he is more likely to agree to do that, but then never does.

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this because if I do, they may judge him harshly, and nearly all of my friends are mutual friends. I don't want to risk turning people against him. He's a good person, but I do think he has an anger problem, and I worry what it's going to do to my daughter's self esteem.

A small part of me feels like I need to start exploring my options, or lay down an ultimatum, but another part of me cringes at that thought. Even if i'm done with the relationship, I know he would fight for custody, and I can't stand to think of what he would be like with both kids during his visitation without me as a moderating influence.

Am I the problem? Is he the problem? Maybe we're both the problem? WTF should I do?[/quote]

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