Tips for surviving middle school girl cliques

[Anonymous]

DS was enjoying school but has few friends and long time neighbor friends seem to have dropped her as they branch out (and exclude). Advice for helping your daughter these rough years? She does after school clubs and sports but does not get invited to sleepovers, parties, or weekend play. If not structured, she has no friends. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to hear that. You said she never gets invited to sleepovers or weekend play. Do you ever initiate? Is it that people don't reciprocate?

[Anonymous]

She has to initiate. Does she have a phone? Does she make an effort to keep in touch with non-neighbor 6th gr friends? Do you make an effort to help her plan get togethers? Has she only had a few close friends in the past? If so, that’s going to hurt her as those friends ebb and flow.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Meant to say DD. Yes, we initiate. We host parties, sleepovers, and even have helped lead Girl Scouts. Personally had to stand down from that because I was viewed as the driver and carpooler. I’m willing to do these things, but I can recognize when it goes too far and when my daughter is not being included. I will say that she is quite bright, so kids do tease her that she reads and there could be some envy about classes she’s in or not having to struggle with homework. Those peers do not seem to be as social. I think it’s a stage until she finds her tribe, but the outright exclusion is difficult to understand. I knew it was coming, but it’s ugly now that it’s here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Meant to say DD. Yes, we initiate. We host parties, sleepovers, and even have helped lead Girl Scouts. Personally had to stand down from that because I was viewed as the driver and carpooler. I’m willing to do these things, but I can recognize when it goes too far and when my daughter is not being included. I will say that she is quite bright, so kids do tease her that she reads and there could be some envy about classes she’s in or not having to struggle with homework. Those peers do not seem to be as social. I think it’s a stage until she finds her tribe, but the outright exclusion is difficult to understand. I knew it was coming, but it’s ugly now that it’s here.

How does her reading come into it. Mine are huge readers but they do t read in front of their friends unless at school.

[Anonymous]

She needs to find new friends. Middle school is hard. There is true mean girl behavior but there is also a natural phase of growing apart from some friends and finding new ones. It sucks when your kid gets lost in the shuffle but she needs to start reaching out to new friends with similar interests. It is hard. It sucks. But she will be better off in the long run.

[Anonymous]

You should read Queen Bees and Wannabes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS was enjoying school but has few friends and long time neighbor friends seem to have dropped her as they branch out (and exclude). Advice for helping your daughter these rough years? She does after school clubs and sports but does not get invited to sleepovers, parties, or weekend play. If not structured, she has no friends. TIA.

What grade?

[Anonymous]

My DD is friends with everyone, but not everyone's top friend. That means when kids can invite 2-4 kids to do something, my DD rarely makes the cut. They're not excluding her maliciously, she's just not the top kid. When kids invite larger groups, they're happy to have her. They're good friends, kind, but some kids are more popular than others.

For us, I just supported my DD in expanding her circles of friends, and inviting kids to do things. If she sulks about not getting invited, she's not spending that time cultivating friendships of her own. It also helps to branch out because you might find "your group" of people by doing so.

If kids were being actively mean, I'd suggest putting most of your effort into helping her find new groups. But if she's just not one of the more popular kids, I'd suggest you do a lot of hosting and inviting. Have her take a friend to the movies, meet up the library with a couple of friends, go practice a sport with some friends, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Meant to say DD. Yes, we initiate. We host parties, sleepovers, and even have helped lead Girl Scouts. Personally had to stand down from that because I was viewed as the driver and carpooler. I’m willing to do these things, but I can recognize when it goes too far and when my daughter is not being included. I will say that she is quite bright, so kids do tease her that she reads and there could be some envy about classes she’s in or not having to struggle with homework. Those peers do not seem to be as social. I think it’s a stage until she finds her tribe[b], but the outright exclusion is difficult to understand. I knew it was coming, but it’s ugly now that it’s here.

Regarding the bold -- you already know she will find her tribe, but she needs some help doing it. Despite parents who will tell you, let the kids make all their own social arrangements in middle school, the fact is they often don't know their own schedules day to day ("Oh, I forgot there's an extra sports practice that Saturday and I already asked X to come do Y with me at the same time!") and they do not drive themselves anywhere. (And the usual parents on these boards who say, let them bike or take the bus, etc. are clueless--by MS ,kids are no longer necessarily living next door to or on the same street or even in the same part of town as their school peers).

The key to me in your post above is that you say the more academic "peers do not seem to be as social." Is that based on their being invited by you/DD but not reciprocating? Or have you tried inviting them at all? Id' stop bothering with the old set of friends from elementary who are leaving her behind and would start encouraging doing things outside school with kids who share more of her current interests. I have a bookish, academic kid too, and believe me, those kids can be very social indeed, but you have to connect them to each other first. Does she talk about specific kids at school? Would she like to get into (or form) a club at school? Our MS had a Harry Potter club, a creative writing club, etc. -- maybe its' time for her to change her activities and find ones that are more aligned with who she is in MS. That's hard for you as the parent to make happen, but you and she may not be aware of all the activities at school and outside it too.

[Anonymous]

Libraries have teen events and also usually drama clubs at school are very welcoming. I found my tribe at Girl Scout sleepaway camp. I was a little like your girl.

[Anonymous]

I found that sleepovers tended to be less frequent after 6th grade. I think it is b/c so many kids (or their siblings) have sports and other activities early on weekends, it is easier if they sleep in their own beds.

Is your house fun? Our house is not one of the most fun, and that has meant DD really prefers to go to her friends' homes. We are working on making the downstairs more attractive to teens (yet still appropriate). Having good snacks and activity options helps.

5th and 6th grade is also when kids (at DD's school, I know it varies) started getting i-devices and social media accounts. We kept it to iMessage and Musical.ly until DD was 13. These apps is how kids communicate and organize their social lives. Consider ways to let her engage on this level, if she isn't already. (with age-appropriate supervision and safeguards, of course.)

Scheduling some family activities where she can bring a friend--yet it still goes on and fills her time without a friend--might be helpful. Movies, museum visits, hikes, etc.

Your child's homeroom teacher/advisor might have suggestions on who else in the class would be compatible with your DD. There might be someone who is too shy to make overtures, but could be a great buddy.

[Anonymous]

The real answer is that kids and their families are busy doing other things. If your kid is not also busy doing other things -- that may be okay but recognize that many, if not most, college bound suburban kids are doing that. And, their parents may well want their kid's limited free time to be focused on stuff their parents think is important. Or, to be honest, at least coordinates with the family's other activities, and does not require their parents to expend substantial additional time and money.

Kids in middle and high school change friend groups. Why? For suburban kids, the answer is largely NOT that they are maturing and seeking different things in their friend group. That's mostly baloney. Kids are instead doing things, and possibly, if there is free time, hanging out with the kids who are also involved in the same stuff simply because it's easy. Planning to do something after a game or activity is simple. Trying to do something with a friend who is elsewhere is much more difficult.

So -- what can you do? First, keep your kid involved in activities, and when schedules permit, have them plan to something with someone else in that sport/activity that fits with your timing. That kind of thing works as the kids are on basically the same schedule.