How would you feel if family member offered to be surrogate (GC)?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law have been trying unsuccessfully for six years to have a baby, with at least three IVF rounds that I know of. SIL is in her late 30's and they're now in the beginning paperwork stages of signing up with an adoption agency, which was definitely not their preferred option. I love them very much and I've been contemplating telling them I'm willing to be a surrogate (gestational carrier). DH and I have two children already - I'm 30, no miscarriages, and easy deliveries. I don't enjoy being pregnant but I would gladly go through 9 months of discomfort for them to be able to have a little baby that is biologically theirs, if that's what they want. I feel like it's likely they would say no, though, and I don't want to harm our relationship by making them uncomfortable with me (they're very private people) or hurting/offending them (don't want them to feel like I'm flaunting fertility). They live 30 minutes away and we see them frequently. Obviously, no one can predict how they would react, but if this were you, how would you feel? Would you want a family member to make this offer or would you rather be the one to reach out and ask?
As an aside, I'm not even sure if they have any embryos left. I'm not very familiar with the process; my instinct is that doing another egg retrieval and everything involved with surrogacy would be more expensive than pursuing adoption. There would be no surrogacy fee to me and I have excellent insurance, but I'm not sure how much legal fees would be (DH is a contract lawyer but I assume an attorney specializing in this kind of law should be used). Any guesses in this completely hypothetical situation as to whether adoption or surrogacy would be more expensive? Thanks for any thoughts! |
Anonymous
|
I would be thrilled, assuming we had a good relationship.
Why do you say you think they'd say no, is it because of something they've said in the past? |
Anonymous
| I would nearly die of happiness and gratitude. This is coming from someone who did end up being successful through ivf but it was stressful. Also, aside from the price, adoption is so uncertain. |
Anonymous
|
First, is your husband 100% on board with you doing this?
Being a gestational carrier for someone else means your family gets all the downsides of pregnancy and none of the benefits. You need to make sure that your DH is fully supportive of this decision before you get the couples hopes up. Also, whoever is related to them should bring it up. If SIL is married to your brother, you should talk to him. If SIL is your husband’s sister, your husband should talk to her. |
Anonymous
| No, they've never said anything about surrogacy before, and we have an excellent relationship. My SIL is very private about medical matters and personal information in general. I just have a hard time seeing her embracing everything that this would mean, but I want her to know that I'm fully willing to do it. |
Anonymous
| I’m in the same boat as your SIL and very private. I could almost be her from what you’ve written. I would be extremely grateful even though I may end up saying no to proceed with adoption. As long as you would not feel hurt if she says no then I would make the offer. |
Anonymous
| DH thinks it would be wonderful, and has said he'll bring it up with his brother. I wouldn't be the one doing it. I know everything about surrogacy is extremely intensive and there's not even any guarantee of success, but I think I could handle it pretty well. I'm not someone who bonded with my babies from birth - it took me at least a few weeks to develop that "in love" feeling. I have a niece who I adore and if I could give my BIL and SIL another niece/nephew who I could love, I would be so happy. Just don't want to step on toes or intrude. |
Anonymous
I would not feel hurt in the slightest if they said no - I would 100% understand that. |
Anonymous
|
A good friend of mine and her husband had something like 8 losses, one of which they had to make the heart-wrenching decision to terminate for medical reasons because the pregnancy put my friend's health in serious jeopardy. My friend's younger sister (who had already had 3 kids) offered to be their surrogate. They accepted her offer, it worked the first try, and they now have 2.5 y.o. B/G twins. My friend recently told me that she and her husband would have never been parents if her sister hadn't offered, as they couldn't have afforded any other option. I know they had some substantial legal fees, but seemingly nothing akin to the amount if they had a carrier fee or adoption fees.
In addition to carrying the twins, my friend's sister also pumped for them afterward. |
Anonymous
|
You sound like an angel, OP.
- Someone who never needed something like this but would have welcomed and appreciated it more than words could say Oh, and as for the "flaunting fertility" thing, just make sure to say that you'd be happy to TRY it for them... make it clear that you're not seeing this as a done and easy thing so it doesn't come across as flaunting and it also prepares them for the very real chance that something may NOT go to plan. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
| I would be thrilled. At this point I need a gestational surrogate but we can't afford one. I would be thrilled if someone offered to do that for me. |
Anonymous
| I would cry tears of joy I’d be so happy. I would love to ask, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I just feel like it is such a huge sacrifice.... |
Anonymous
I think you are awesome, OP. Re your last sentence, imagine how much harder it would be to ask someone to do this for them...I think in your position you putting this out there would be amazing. Good luck |
Anonymous
| I would feel highly uncomfortable. But, that's just me. |
Anonymous
| Do you have reason to believe that a gc would solve their issues? Maybe you should offer to donate eggs instead? |