Young child believes he's gay

[Anonymous]

We are a very progressive cisgender hetero family (DH and I) and consider ourselves allies of the LGBTQ community - many friends and family are gay, we march with them in Pride parades, donate to various organizations that support the community, etc. Our sons have always known and understood that some people fall in love with members of the opposite sex and some people fall in love with members of the same sex and as long as people love each other and treat each other with kindness and respect that it's all fine.

My 2nd grader's peer group have recently started to talk about "crushes" and who has a crush on whom. I think my 4th grader's peer group went through the same thing around this age. We've always tried to tamp down this "crush" discussion and asked what having a crush means...usually the answer is a "special friend" or "someone that I really like spending time with." And we say that's fine but let's not make a big deal about crushes - it might embarrass people and it's just a little silly. So, our 2nd grader told us last night that he has a crush on one of his male friends and does that mean he's gay. I responded with my typical crush discussion (which I've used when he told me last week about a girl he has a crush on) but wasn't sure about how to handle the gay question. I said something like..."it might but it also might mean that he's been extra nice to you lately and you've been having a lot of fun playing together at recess." I did say something like "you're a little young to know whether you will fall in love with a boy or a girl when you are grown up but you can always take to me and dad about how you're feeling"

So - how did I do? How could I handled the discussion better? I think this conversation is likely to come up again so would like to be prepared. Also can anyone point me to good resources for future discussions? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I think your answer was well balance. After all he is only a second grader. I would make a big fuss about it or read to much into it. I have a kid slightly younger than yours and he sometimes says he wants to ‘marry’ his best friends (male or female alike). I think it is just a way for a kid to express the need to have a special and exclusive bound with somebody.

[Anonymous]

*would not

[Anonymous]

Sorry for the mistakes. English is not my first language.

[Anonymous]

Yes, in 2nd grade DS said he wanted to marry his best friend, a boy. We just said that when he was older he could decide who he wanted to marry and as long as they were kind and respectful towards him, that was fine by us. At that age, it is more about someone they like spending time with/is fun/etc vs any sexual orientation (regardless of what their sexual orientation ends up being once they are older.)

He is now in middle school and has certainly expressed interest in girls and I am thinking he is probably straight. We tend to keep the dialouge open with "whoever you choose to date when you get older."

- lesbian mom who deemed she wanted to marry her best (boy) friend in kindergarten!

[Anonymous]

I think you handled it well. He might be gay or he might not. I think some people know by 2nd grade. Most probably do. But sometimes crushes are different from your orientation so nothing is set in stone yet. It sounds like you’ll be accepting no matter what so just keep doing what you’re doing

[Anonymous]

My now 11 year old son told me when he was 9 that he was gay. This was after a year of talking about a girl he had a crush on. He later told me it was a cover!

I suspected he might be gay but I was shocked to get the news at that age. We are also very liberal and my son was raised in an environment where he hopefully knew he'd be accepted.

My advice has always been that when you fall in love, you will know and you won't be thinking about gender. When you are older, you will just know who it is you want to date.

Age 9 or even now at 11, is just too young to do anything about crushes so I don't think there is much to do about it right now.

I do think he very much wants to come out to friends at school but after a few people have made fun of him and even hit him when they suspected he was gay, he's listening to us for now to keep his feelings it to himself and open up only in safe environments.

I'm not sad at all that my child is gay but I'm scared for his safety and I tell him that it influences a lot of what I say.

[Anonymous]

Sounds good to me. I’d just make sure he knows you are always open to these conversations moving forward. My son is in 6th grade and this is the first year kids are saying they are gay or bisexual. I’m sure several knew before that, though.

[Anonymous]

Many adults don't know and or come to terms with who they are until later in life....mid to late twenties and beyond. Children even talking about this is absolutely laughable. As parents of course we aren't anti relationship, anti sex, insert whatever, but there is a time and place for all of that later in life. Being a child, playing, having fun, school and athletics is what these kids should all be focused on. Most boys only like boys up until puberty. Once the hormones kick in its another ball game. Gay, bi....its a bunch of nonsense to even discuss at this age.

[Anonymous]

A crush is a crush no matter the genders. So much classic literature out there with boy best friends and partners in adventure and them just wanting to be together and explore. I think you did great. A deep, close relationship, friendship can turn romantic or not and that age is just too early to know or even care I think.

[Anonymous]

I think your response was fine. If it happened to me, I'd probably focus on 2nd grade being to young to be worrying about any romantic relationship. That while "crush" feelings are normal, having a boyfriend/girlfriend is not for until you're older, so there's no need to worry too much about it yet. Then, as you more or less did, reinforcing that when that time comes, it is okay whether he likes boys and/or girls.

[Anonymous]

I had a good time explaining to my mother in law that I was, in fact, "cisgendered". Its a thing! Just by not being transgendered, I am in fact cisgendered.
Do we get a flag to fly too?

[Anonymous]

Our kid came out at 12. When we replied with the "love whoever you want and you are kinda young so you may change your mind and that's ok" they were pissed off bz as they correctly noted, when little girls say they want to marry Prince Charming nobody steps in and is all, "You're too young to have that fantasy mapped out!" So, examine the gut checking on "you're too young to know." re: other ppl might be cruel to DC for queer identity; that's a hard one, too -- my DH had similar reaction but if you lean too far in that direction you are basically asking your kid to stay in the closet. I 100% agree with revealing oneself to safe audiences but the reality in middle school is that there is no real safe space. News travels.

[Anonymous]

Food for thought. My husband says he knew he was gay when he was in preschool. Some people just know young. But 12 isn’t young.

[Anonymous]

My gay brother says he knew early on. Definitely by age 12 he was aware he wasn't going to be having the girlfriends other boys always assumed they'd have someday.

I do think most kids know their sexuality early on, it's something intrinsic that we don't question and seems natural to us. Boys may only like other boys till they hit puberty but they never confuse it with same sex attraction. Girls may have crushes on other girls, but they rarely see it as sexual. If a child is saying he's gay that early on the odds are pretty good he is.

I would just let the matter drop and let him take care of it himself in his own time.