Boyfriend and midlife crisis/bout of depression

[Anonymous]

Guy I have been seeing for almost 2 years is going through something, and I am not quite sure what to do or how to help either of us.

He is 53, divorced with no kids. The reality that he will likely not have kids is causing some depression/midlife crisis. He said he needs time with his therapist to heal/fix himself so I have been giving him space. I feel like crap that (1) I can't help him/don't know what to do, other than tell him I love him and thatIi am here if he needs me and (2) he has gone radio silent and is freezing me out, which is extremely confusing and hurtful.

I asked if he was breaking up with me, to which he said emphatically "no." I believe him, but this is really hard!

Anyone one have any suggestions on how long this will last and how best to help?

In case it matters, I am 47 with 2 teenagers, we have both been divorced for about 4 years.

[Anonymous]

Does not sound like you are getting what you need out of this relationship--it's all about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does not sound like you are getting what you need out of this relationship--it's all about him.

Well if he is depressed or having a ,midlife crisis then just maybe it's not the time when he's most able to make it about his partner.

[Anonymous]

I think the best way to help him (and you) is to let him go. If you break up, he has the possibility of finding a mate who wants children with him, if that's what he ends up wanting. If you stay with him, he'll always have that possibility of resenting you for keeping him from having kids of his own. Later there's a chance that he'll come back to you, clear-headed that he wants to be with you, but of course I wouldn't count on it.

[Anonymous]

I'd bail if I were you. You've been together two years, it's not really okay for him to just disappear on you like that.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you let him knock you up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd bail if I were you. You've been together two years, it's not really okay for him to just disappear on you like that.

I agree with this. But my spidey sense is going off — I’m not sure that he’s being truthful with you. For him to go radio silent...unless he is in a full-on depression, this doesn’t seem right. I’m wondering if there is someone else.

I could be totally wrong, of course, but regardless, after two years in a relationship, radio silence isn’t acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd bail if I were you. You've been together two years, it's not really okay for him to just disappear on you like that.

I agree with this. But my spidey sense is going off — I’m not sure that he’s being truthful with you. For him to go radio silent...unless he is in a full-on depression, this doesn’t seem right. I’m wondering if there is someone else.

I could be totally wrong, of course, but regardless, after two years in a relationship, radio silence isn’t acceptable.

Yeah, something tells me he met someone younger. He's not sure if it's going to work out b/c he's worried his age is an issue. So he's shelving OP just in case the younger women dumps him because he's too old.

He doesn't want to break up because he doesn't want to be alone, but the "kids" thing is a ruse for wanting a younger woman. He may not even really want kids, but he wants to feel younger. He doesn't want to admit to being so shallow, so he's convincing himself it's about wanting kids. Meanwhile, he is melting down because dating this younger woman is making him self-conscious about his age and competing with younger men.

Of course, he can't tell OP any of this, so he hides behind the needing time to heal/talk to therapist line.

Trust me: if he were truly having a midlife crisis or afraid of not having kids, he wouldn't be freezing OP and her kids out. He'd be thinking about getting closer.

[Anonymous]

Why is he so upset about not having kids now? That doesn't make any sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of his “reasoning” OP,
there is never an acceptable excuse for suddenly freezing you out of his life.

He cannot take you for granted in such a manner + expect you to stick around waiting for him to get over whatever it is that he may be dealing with.

It’s unfair of him to set you aside on the back burner while he sorts out his issues.

I would let him know that he can do his therapy/work on himself, etc., but if he elects to freeze me out than he cannot expect me to stick around for support.

Neither of you are getting any younger.
Life is really too short to be waiting for other people to get their lives together.

And stick to your word!
Because if you do not, than sadly he will continue taking you for granted.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Any guy who is single over the age of 50 is mentally ill. I'd bail.