NYT story: Talking to My Fiancé About My New Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/12/style/modern-love-talking-to-my-fiance-about-my-new-girlfriend.html?action=click&module=Editors%20Picks&pgtype=Homepage

Maybe in 20 years or so marriage concept will not be that hard core. There is hope in the distance.

[Anonymous]

So stupid. These are the people you get after you spend their childhoods spoiling them by giving them everything they want and a trophy for everything. Why would they want to be denied now? They spend their free time ‘swiping right? for potential additional people to mate with? Real productive use of time.
I don’t want my kid to grow up to be a doctor I want her to be having sex with as many people as possible instead



I want my kid to be explaining to her kids that instead of spending time with them she’s going to be off having sex with ‘Suzy’ who she found on Tinder or maybe at the last PTA meeting.

What is truly a wonder is that these people have no concept of how stupid they are.

[Anonymous]

It sounds very fulfilling, if you’re wired in a way that allows you live this way.

[Anonymous]

When we have some innovation that allows for kids to be raised without serious parental commitment from 2 parents and when we are so rich that everyone can live comfortably for their entire life and save for retirement without sharing any household expenses, then people can just live from the seat of their pants and do whatever feels good in the moment. Until that day, throwing out marriage as the fundamental family structure is a horrendous idea.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to live this way but I've got no problem knowing that other people do and I hope they all manage to find each other so they can have fulfiling relationships. Much better than someone who can't or doesn't want to stay monogamous yet ends up married to someone who does intend to stay monogamous. That kind of mismatch leads to heartbreak for everyone. People would do better just to acknowledge who they are and what they want and find like-minded people to do it with.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how the fiance would have felt if it was a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend, or how the author would feel if her fiance fell for another woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we have some innovation that allows for kids to be raised without serious parental commitment from 2 parents and when we are so rich that everyone can live comfortably for their entire life and save for retirement without sharing any household expenses, then people can just live from the seat of their pants and do whatever feels good in the moment. Until that day, throwing out marriage as the fundamental family structure is a horrendous idea.

I don’t think the author ever mentions having kids in the article. If they have kids, I see it as more problematic, but it doesn’t sound like they’re planning to. If no kids, my only major concern that could affect other people is the potential for STDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to live this way but I've got no problem knowing that other people do and I hope they all manage to find each other so they can have fulfiling relationships. Much better than someone who can't or doesn't want to stay monogamous yet ends up married to someone who does intend to stay monogamous. That kind of mismatch leads to heartbreak for everyone. People would do better just to acknowledge who they are and what they want and find like-minded people to do it with.

Exactly. The OPs intent it is probably to rile people up or something. No one has a problem with polygamy if it works for the people in it. If everyone in that relationship is openly in it with the same expectations, who cares what they do. It's the lies, the deception, and the fake promises that cause the hurt and the pain. People aren't stupid. We all know that you can love more than one person. Than you can be attracted to more than just your spouse. It's what you do with it that defines you. Some choose to be assholes, to gloat, to hurt. Some are mature about it. OP seems to not be the latter.

[Anonymous]

I am so thankful to be 45 years old. These 20 somethings are in for the most miserbale lives. they are just too dumb to know it.

[Anonymous]

20-something thinks she has solved the entire issue of relationship and financial success! Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to live this way but I've got no problem knowing that other people do and I hope they all manage to find each other so they can have fulfiling relationships. Much better than someone who can't or doesn't want to stay monogamous yet ends up married to someone who does intend to stay monogamous. That kind of mismatch leads to heartbreak for everyone. People would do better just to acknowledge who they are and what they want and find like-minded people to do it with.

Exactly. The OPs intent it is probably to rile people up or something. No one has a problem with polygamy if it works for the people in it. If everyone in that relationship is openly in it with the same expectations, who cares what they do. It's the lies, the deception, and the fake promises that cause the hurt and the pain. People aren't stupid. We all know that you can love more than one person. Than you can be attracted to more than just your spouse. It's what you do with it that defines you. Some choose to be assholes, to gloat, to hurt. Some are mature about it. OP seems to not be the latter.

CDC, health insurances providers and subscribers have a problem with it.

https://www.economist.com/united-states/2018/06/14/why-stds-are-soaring-in-america

[Anonymous]

^^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we have some innovation that allows for kids to be raised without serious parental commitment from 2 parents and when we are so rich that everyone can live comfortably for their entire life and save for retirement without sharing any household expenses, then people can just live from the seat of their pants and do whatever feels good in the moment. Until that day, throwing out marriage as the fundamental family structure is a horrendous idea.

+1 I read the article and thought - holy crap I hope these people never, ever procreate. Just go get sterilized and then you can live a life of freewheeling unattachment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't want to live this way but I've got no problem knowing that other people do and I hope they all manage to find each other so they can have fulfiling relationships. Much better than someone who can't or doesn't want to stay monogamous yet ends up married to someone who does intend to stay monogamous. That kind of mismatch leads to heartbreak for everyone. People would do better just to acknowledge who they are and what they want and find like-minded people to do it with.

Exactly. The OPs intent it is probably to rile people up or something. No one has a problem with polygamy if it works for the people in it. If everyone in that relationship is openly in it with the same expectations, who cares what they do. It's the lies, the deception, and the fake promises that cause the hurt and the pain. People aren't stupid. We all know that you can love more than one person. Than you can be attracted to more than just your spouse. It's what you do with it that defines you. Some choose to be assholes, to gloat, to hurt. Some are mature about it. OP seems to not be the latter.

CDC, health insurances providers and subscribers have a problem with it.

https://www.economist.com/united-states/2018/06/14/why-stds-are-soaring-in-america

Thanks for sharing that.

[Anonymous]

A lot of ignorance and judgment on this thread.

1. I read the STD article looking for some indication that a rise in polyamory, or even promiscuity (no, the former doesn't imply the latter) is contributing to higher STD rates. The article gave a number of reasons for rising rates, but polyamory wasn't one of them. I get it, it was posted by someone who considers polyamory sleazy. So I'll post this article instead: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/sexually-transmitted-infections-in-polyamorous-relationships. For those who prefer science to prejudice, polyamorous people are much less likely to contract STIs than "monogamous" cheaters.

2. Polyamory is not about having whatever you want. It requires emotional stability, maturity, honesty, and open communication. It's the opposite of "freewheeling unattachment." Polyamorous people are just as committed to their partners and families as monogamous people. It is possible to be fully committed to more than one romantic partner. We all accept that it's possible to have committed relationships with more than one close friend, more than one sibling, more than one child, etc. Why not with more than one romantic partner? Maybe you think romantic relationships are different, but why is that, other than the fact that's it's what we were raised to believe?

3. Polyamory is not about having a lot of sex with different people. It's about relationships. When I tell people I'm polyamorous they usually make incorrect assumptions about me and I explain that I spend a million times more energy on hard emotional labor than on sexyfuntime. Personally I don't do casual sex. At all. Not for moral reasons, but because I simply don't enjoy it. I need an emotional connection. Some types of non-monogamy are more focused on sex, but so are plenty of single people who don't identify as non-monogamous (not to mention plenty of unethically non-monogamous people who cheat on their partners).

4. Sure, there are people who practice polyamory for unhealthy reasons or in unhealthy ways. There are plenty of monogamous marriages that are dysfunctional as well. Human relationships of any kind are sometimes dysfunctional. People who lack emotional stability and/or maturity are prone to dysfunctional relationships no matter whether they're monogamous or polyamorous.

I'm not proselytizing for polyamory. I get that it's not for a lot of people, and that's fine. I don't think it's better or somehow more "evolved" than monogamy. It's just an alternative relationship orientation that fits for some of us. You might disagree with my choices, but I am neither stupid nor delusional.