NYT story: Talking to My Fiancé About My New Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of ignorance and judgment on this thread.

1. I read the STD article looking for some indication that a rise in polyamory, or even promiscuity (no, the former doesn't imply the latter) is contributing to higher STD rates. The article gave a number of reasons for rising rates, but polyamory wasn't one of them. I get it, it was posted by someone who considers polyamory sleazy. So I'll post this article instead: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201401/sexually-transmitted-infections-in-polyamorous-relationships. For those who prefer science to prejudice, polyamorous people are much less likely to contract STIs than "monogamous" cheaters.

2. Polyamory is not about having whatever you want. It requires emotional stability, maturity, honesty, and open communication. It's the opposite of "freewheeling unattachment." Polyamorous people are just as committed to their partners and families as monogamous people. It is possible to be fully committed to more than one romantic partner. We all accept that it's possible to have committed relationships with more than one close friend, more than one sibling, more than one child, etc. Why not with more than one romantic partner? Maybe you think romantic relationships are different, but why is that, other than the fact that's it's what we were raised to believe?

3. Polyamory is not about having a lot of sex with different people. It's about relationships. When I tell people I'm polyamorous they usually make incorrect assumptions about me and I explain that I spend a million times more energy on hard emotional labor than on sexyfuntime. Personally I don't do casual sex. At all. Not for moral reasons, but because I simply don't enjoy it. I need an emotional connection. Some types of non-monogamy are more focused on sex, but so are plenty of single people who don't identify as non-monogamous (not to mention plenty of unethically non-monogamous people who cheat on their partners).

4. Sure, there are people who practice polyamory for unhealthy reasons or in unhealthy ways. There are plenty of monogamous marriages that are dysfunctional as well. Human relationships of any kind are sometimes dysfunctional. People who lack emotional stability and/or maturity are prone to dysfunctional relationships no matter whether they're monogamous or polyamorous.

I'm not proselytizing for polyamory. I get that it's not for a lot of people, and that's fine. I don't think it's better or somehow more "evolved" than monogamy. It's just an alternative relationship orientation that fits for some of us. You might disagree with my choices, but I am neither stupid nor delusional.

False. It is like trying to solve a 3 body problem. A 2 body problem is hard enough. But if stability is the goal (the point of marriage), then polyamory is no match for a classic marriage.

[Anonymous]

1. You get to decide what the point of marriage is for you, not for me.

2. Oh yes, "classic" marriage is quite the stable institution. Isn't it nice that divorce and infidelity and just plain misery are so unusual in monogamous marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You get to decide what the point of marriage is for you, not for me.

Do whatever you want but don't have kids.

2. Oh yes, "classic" marriage is quite the stable institution. Isn't it nice that divorce and infidelity and just plain misery are so unusual in monogamous marriages?

People who do their kids dirty by being selfish within marriage and thereby contributing to failure are just as bad as people who don't ever marry and put themselves above their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You get to decide what the point of marriage is for you, not for me.

Do whatever you want but don't have kids.

2. Oh yes, "classic" marriage is quite the stable institution. Isn't it nice that divorce and infidelity and just plain misery are so unusual in monogamous marriages?

People who do their kids dirty by being selfish within marriage and thereby contributing to failure are just as bad as people who don't ever marry and put themselves above their kids.

Oh, and PS - LIFE is miserable, at times. It is not the fault of marriage. Marriage has traditionally been enforced by society to try to ensure that people don't try to externalize the inherent difficulties of life at the expense of other people. It requires DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY even when it is HARD. The benefit of this is a collectively enjoyed societal stability. You do not have some secret answer no one has discovered yet. Your choices are not fit for a society that continues to reproduce itself.

[Anonymous]

I find this so sad and empty. Always searching for more, never satisfied with what’s in front of you. But there’s more out there, there must be...,..sitting next to each other in bed showing one another your swipes?

HBO has a documentary called Swiped that’s out right now that goes into detail re Tinder and how it was created. It makes me so glad that I met my husband at an early age and never did online dating. It makes me sad for what my children will face when they grow up.

[Anonymous]

I think the amount of vitriol from commenters about polyamory is hilarious given how open and proud DCUM members are about having affairs.

[Anonymous]

As long as these degenerates don't have kids and perpetuate their dsyfunction it's no skin off my back.

[Anonymous]

I think that all of these people getting outraged about polyamory are grappling with a lot of insecurities and jealousy, and most likely their own miserable relationships. I am not polyamorous, but that is the only way to explain such an intensely negative reaction to something that should have zero effect on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that all of these people getting outraged about polyamory are grappling with a lot of insecurities and jealousy, and most likely their own miserable relationships. I am not polyamorous, but that is the only way to explain such an intensely negative reaction to something that should have zero effect on them.

Agree. There is a lot of protesting too much from people who feel zero impact from how a segment of the population practices romantic relationships.

Hmm, reminds me of how some people get really upset about any non-hetero pairing ……

— signed, a dedicated monogamist in her personal life

[Anonymous]

I don’t get outragedabout polyamory. That doesn’t mean I think it is always positive for the people in it.

I have a friend who is involved with a married man in a poly relationship. The wife is a close friend of hers now, too. But it makes her sad as she ages that she doesn’t have a partner for life, someone who makes her their top priority.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and PS - LIFE is miserable, at times. It is not the fault of marriage. Marriage has traditionally been enforced by society to try to ensure that people don't try to externalize the inherent difficulties of life at the expense of other people. It requires DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY even when it is HARD. The benefit of this is a collectively enjoyed societal stability. You do not have some secret answer no one has discovered yet. Your choices are not fit for a society that continues to reproduce itself.


+1000

[Anonymous]

The writer is now married and I know someone who went to the wedding in New Orleans, say lots of pics on FB. Not clear if the girlfriend was there. I do think the husband would think very differently if his wife was dating another man. The writer is just going for a lot of shock value and won't be so open to this arrangement when her husband falls in love with another woman. If people want to date around, go for it, but stop with the marriage BS.

[Anonymous]

I usually say live and let live. But the whole article seemed like millennial nonsense to me. I am 42 and the point that reasonated most with me was the worry her grandparents expressed re: her lifestyle choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually say live and let live. But the whole article seemed like millennial nonsense to me. I am 42 and the point that reasonated most with me was the worry her grandparents expressed re: her lifestyle choices.

I feel like it was way too soon to be writing about how great this is for them. Get back to us in 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When we have some innovation that allows for kids to be raised without serious parental commitment from 2 parents and when we are so rich that everyone can live comfortably for their entire life and save for retirement without sharing any household expenses, then people can just live from the seat of their pants and do whatever feels good in the moment. Until that day, throwing out marriage as the fundamental family structure is a horrendous idea.

+1 I read the article and thought - holy crap I hope these people never, ever procreate. Just go get sterilized and then you can live a life of freewheeling unattachment.

Very often these types of people will abort their kids, so no worries there.