I don’t want my mom to know about pregnancy - at all.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get along with my mom and have not for most of my adult life. She is weird, distant and cold and has acted that way during any happy event in my life. She’s only seemingly supportive when bad things happen, like when I had to go through chemotherapy she announced it on Facebook to EVERYONE and solicited my distant cousins to get in contact with me. She likes drama and needs to have some kind of chaos in her life constantly: she’s never held a consistent job, she moves every 2 years, she’s had suicidal attempts when I was a kid (that I witnessed) and physically abused my sister for years.

Just recently she said she wasn’t hosting Thanksgiving. She told me on a Monday she wasn’t hosting it this year. The next day she tells my sister she is and invited my sister, but not me.

I don’t want her to have anything to do with my kids life, frankly. I also don’t want her to call and shriek and me or send passive aggressive emails when she finds out about my pregnancy. It’s my first child and I feel very protective of myself and future baby.

Do I tell her at all? I don’t feel she has any right to my personal life.

[Anonymous]

Serious question - Why are you in touch with her at all? That would help us in giving advice.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do OP.

I found having my children to be immensely freeing for me in figuring out how to navigate my dysfunctional family. It is far easier to draw boundaries on my kids' behalf than it is to draw them for myself. It's been a blessing.

Do what is best for you. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question - Why are you in touch with her at all? That would help us in giving advice.

My therapist advised me to not go no-contact. I tried to have a relationship with her but it’s very one sided. I didn’t talk to her for a year after my wedding. She is very hot and cold and will basically shun me if I don’t do something her way over seemingly small slights (if I don’t call her when I get back from vacation, if I don’t want to stay at her house for the holidays - which I refused to do and I think that’s why she shunning me from Thanksgiving).

I’m at the point now where I want to stop trying.

[Anonymous]

Why did your therapist advise against going no-contact?

[Anonymous]

Check out the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and see if it resonates with you.

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

[Anonymous]

I’ve got a toddler and have no relationship with my mom. When I was pregnant with him I somehow convinced myself that this new grandbaby was going to make my mom be different-be better.

When he was born, she never reached out and has never acknowledged him, even though she knows about him from day one (my siblings told her).

It was so shattering.

I’m pregnant now and have made sure not to tell her and don’t want her to know. At least then she can’t break my heart again.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it’s one thing to not want to tell her yourself but are you requiring your other family to keep it a secret too? That seems unfair. You need a plan for how to address being pregnant and have boundaries because she will find out. If she likes drama as much as you say, that you didn’t tell her will be major drama.

[Anonymous]

I have not talked to my parents (and especially my mother) in a long, LONG time. The have never met my 6 year old. I was pretty bitter about it for a while but you know what? Life is better without her. Toxic people are toxic, whether it's in big doses or small doses. I think your therapist is wrong. Free yourself and your family from this burden. Live your life without worrying about what she's going to do or say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like it’s one thing to not want to tell her yourself but are you requiring your other family to keep it a secret too? That seems unfair. You need a plan for how to address being pregnant and have boundaries because she will find out. If she likes drama as much as you say, that you didn’t tell her will be major drama.

No, other family will not be expected to keep it quiet at all.

She will either be a) dramatic and overbearing - wanting to know details and share things on Facebook. I don’t have her on Facebook for this reason. Or b) cold and distant if she hears the information third hand.

I’m wondering if I should just send her a simple email, no due date information. No gender information.

[Anonymous]

Total support. Ya "gotta" do for you (male)

[Anonymous]

Once you get to a point that you don’t care what your mother does or says, it’s completely freeing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're not ready for a complete cut-off, but just need help managing your relationship with her, is that right?

There's a way to do this but you will probably need the help of a therapist. It involves in great part letting go and not trying to control what SHE does, and controlling what YOU do. In other words, boundaries.

That means -- you have to do things like defriend or mute her on facebook and ignore her drama. Screen her calls and emails and give the information you want to, when you want to. On the other hand, if you chose not to tell her directly, you have to accept her being cold and distant.

[Anonymous]

Simple solution - don't do anything you don't want to do!

[Anonymous]

Just stop initiating contact. You can respond if she calls. Or not.

Don't feel any obligation to this person.

I would proactively contact relatives and make sure to be very friendly, because you know what she's going to do - contact everyone and try to turn them all against you with lies.