Q for divorced/separated moms: how did your husband react when you asked for divorce or separation?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have known eachother for more than 15 years (met in college) and have been married more than 10 years. We've always had a rocky relationship, and have done stints in couples and individual therapy (sometimes both at the same time). The past year has been our rockiest ever, and since he refuses to participate in further counseling (much easier to blame me for everything that's wrong in his life) I really don't see much of a future for us as husband and wife--our present relationship isn't sustainable and I don't see any evidence that anything will change in my lifetime.

About a month ago, I told him that I wanted a divorce, and that I was hoping we could do it without going through an expensive legal process. I believe we both have our kids' best interests at heart and can behave like adults to work something out. I do not envision my life devolving to a point where I need someone to be served papers. We're rational adults, right? He said he needed time to think about things and would get back to me, which seemed reasonable except that since that day has essentially stopped speaking to me. It's been a month now.

The two times I have asked him if he wanted to discuss next steps, he has said (icily and without looking up from his laptop/tv show/newspaper) that he is "still working on it." WTF?

[Anonymous]

Um, OP, I think you need to consult an attorney.

Giving you the silent treatment sounds like a toxic environment for you and the kids. Hopefully he will be willing to work out a more productive co-parenting relationship eventually.

[Anonymous]

When I asked for a separation, my husband seemed perplexed. Our marriage was a huge mess but he was comfortable and content to stay in a bad, hopeless situation(trust me, I tried to make it work). Once I realized this, I had to constantly ask him to leave until he eventually realized I was very serious and I guess he got tired of my relentlessness. I am much happier now and hopefully he is as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, OP, I think you need to consult an attorney.

Giving you the silent treatment sounds like a toxic environment for you and the kids. Hopefully he will be willing to work out a more productive co-parenting relationship eventually.

OP again. Silent Treatment is kind of his expertise, if you will. He doesn't have any close friends, nor is he close to his parents or siblings. He is a good person at heart, but almost like a parody of Dr. Spock--a bit of a loner and doesn't show any emotion. He didn't used to be this way--has been dealing with major depression for a few years now, until recently when he decided to go off his meds and stop going to therapy. I still love him (or the version of him I used to know) but I can't spend my life caring and covering (Daddy's in bed in the middle of the day on a weekend because he's sick, again, for the 6th consecutive weekend...) for someone who can't or won't care for himself (forget about even trying to meet my emotional needs). Anyway, I guess my sense is that he is emotionally fragile/angry right now, and I'm not sure what consulting an attorney would add to the mix, besides make it even more toxic. I just don't want to go there.

[Anonymous]

Okay, you took the first step, the first of many. He doesn't want a divorce. He could drag this on for months. I think you should meet with an attorney to get a sense of what going through a divorce will entail and what it will cost. (He doesn't need to know you saw an attorney. There are no reporting requirement!) You should also get the names of some family therapist/parent coordinators since your husband is refusing to take his meds and divorce is one of the most stressful events out there (second to death of a loved one) and you've got children. A starting point might be getting him back on his meds. It sounds like you are going to have to force the issue but if he's not talking how will you both discuss living and custody and financial arrangements. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Could "working on it" mean he is consulting, planning and strategizing with an attorney? Couldn't hurt for you to do the same if you later find out you need one and not be caught off guard by surprise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could "working on it" mean he is consulting, planning and strategizing with an attorney? Couldn't hurt for you to do the same if you later find out you need one and not be caught off guard by surprise.

That's what I thought, too. It's really hard to start thinking of him as an adversary but that's the way you have to look at things now. Protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

Well, when I told my ex the marriage was over, he put his fist through a plate glass window. That certainly clarified things.

[Anonymous]

OP, i recommend you figure out what you need to do get the legal separation process started. What you might feel like doing could be the opposite of what will help you legally in a divorce. That's why everyone says get an attorney. An attorney can help you figure out how to push the issue forward in a legally helpful way.

Good luck, and I am sorry it's come to this for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could "working on it" mean he is consulting, planning and strategizing with an attorney? Couldn't hurt for you to do the same if you later find out you need one and not be caught off guard by surprise.

That's what I thought, too. It's really hard to start thinking of him as an adversary but that's the way you have to look at things now. Protect yourself.

OP again. Honestly, I don't think he's going the lawyer route. He is a partner at a major firm and could obviously do his own research, though. That said, I don't care how hurt or angry he gets at me, this is not someone who would ever take any action that would directly or indirectly harm the kids; he would not put them or me out of the house/neighborhood/school if he could help it. He is a fair and decent person (as I said, I still love him but don't want to live my life being his enabler and losing any sense of my own self). I don't have illusions of maintaining my current lifestyle, but I have a good job and do not need him to support my personal expenses.

[Anonymous]

I have been divorced for 4 years. All of our kids were in high school when I asked for the divorce. We hadn't been speaking for literally a year except politely in front of the kids, and we had been using the dogs to talk to each other most of that time. You know -- I'd look at the dog and say "Ask Daddy if he wants dinner now", and he'd look at the dog and say "Tell her dinner sounds great".

So, we went out to dinner and I told him there that I wanted a divorce. I also told him that I knew about his little "friend". I had to call a friend to pick me up at the restaurant because he just got up and left.

[Anonymous]

OP,
What do you mean he won't take the lawyer route? Divorce is a legal process. You will both need lawyers. He isn't exactly working with you on this right now! Even if you go the least adversarial way, mediation or collaborative divorce you will need a lawyer. I think you mean he won't take you to court, right? You can have a custody battle out of court (I did!). What comes next, once you both start negotiating the divorce, all depends on your differences and how compromising you both will be when you negotiate them. Do you think you and he will have the same idea about assets, child support, the children's schedule? If so, great, but you will still need a lawyer to make sure your agreement covers all the bases. If not, you can negotiate with a lawyer for finances (mediation) and a parent coordinator for things involving the children.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm one of the PP who suggested that you consult an attorney. You said that you asked for a divorce but then then said that you don't know what an attorney would add. I'm not clear on what you are hoping to accomplish and you might be feeling mixed emotions, quite understandably. Do you want to continue with things as is? Or do you want out? You could try a middle ground, perhaps speak ro his doctor or even give him an ultimatum - treat depression or you will file. But do it knowing that you can't control is behavior. I'm sorry that he is no longer the person he used to be. Mental illness, esp untreated mental illness sucks. That said, your children may have a predisposition towards depression and so you owe it to them all the more to grow up in a stable non-toxic environment. If he stays in bed on the weekend is he really able to function at work BTW?

[Anonymous]

hi. divorced mom here. i agree with the others, esp now that i hear that he himself an attorney. i'd consult one. there are so many issues wrt the divorce and custody that you will need to start thinking about. a lawyer will help you there.

my experience does not sound like yours, because your husband sounds like he, for the most part, a "normal" person. in order to get my exdh to take me seriously when i said i wanted a divorce (this went on for months), i told him i was in love with my ex-boyfriend (who happens to be someone we see every once in a while at social engagement through common friends). that did the trick. also, some things got broken...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could "working on it" mean he is consulting, planning and strategizing with an attorney? Couldn't hurt for you to do the same if you later find out you need one and not be caught off guard by surprise.

That's what I thought, too. It's really hard to start thinking of him as an adversary but that's the way you have to look at things now. Protect yourself.

This is what I thought, also.