Divorce absent drugs/alcohol/abuse/AP?

[Anonymous]

Just wondering how many folks out here are contemplating divorce or have divorced even though these things in my thread title are not at play? Obviously drug and alcohol addiction, sexual/verbal/physical abuse, affairs, etc all have a hand in leading to divorce but what about the silent killer of marriages - I call it death by a thousand cuts. The accumulation of years of frustration, criticisms, lack of sex, etc. How do you overcome that? Seems like with the previous issues, there's typically a concrete plan of how to deal with it via therapy but how do you deal with the more passive scenario?

[Anonymous]

absolutely.

deadweight spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering how many folks out here are contemplating divorce or have divorced even though these things in my thread title are not at play? Obviously drug and alcohol addiction, sexual/verbal/physical abuse, affairs, etc all have a hand in leading to divorce but what about the silent killer of marriages - I call it death by a thousand cuts. The accumulation of years of frustration, criticisms, lack of sex, etc. How do you overcome that? Seems like with the previous issues, there's typically a concrete plan of how to deal with it via therapy but how do you deal with the more passive scenario?

You need therapy to get to the root of the issue causing the "years of frustration, criticisms, lack of sex." Those are outputs of a problem. Solve the problem whole heartedly and honestly. Then you'll know what you have or do not have.

[Anonymous]

I’m divorced and XH and I were actually quite “fine.” But there was not much affection at all, no spark, not much consideration. I admit that I was guilty of not being a great spouse either. No cheating, no substance abuse, we rarely fought. But we were like roommates and ships passing in the night. We worked opposite shifts. We just weren’t compatible. I also think that despite me being very clear that I did not want children he thought I’d change my mind and that could be a reason we drifted apart. It was a great decision. I’m remarried to someone I’m much more compatible with and couldn’t be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced and XH and I were actually quite “fine.” But there was not much affection at all, no spark, not much consideration. I admit that I was guilty of not being a great spouse either. No cheating, no substance abuse, we rarely fought. But we were like roommates and ships passing in the night. We worked opposite shifts. We just weren’t compatible. I also think that despite me being very clear that I did not want children he thought I’d change my mind and that could be a reason we drifted apart. It was a great decision. I’m remarried to someone I’m much more compatible with and couldn’t be happier.

That makes a lot of sense especially considering you did not have children.

I think it becomes more complicated if there's a child involved.

[Anonymous]

Your title mentions AP (affairs) as if that is separate from lack of sex. These are not separate issues, they are 100% equivalent. If one is important enough to divorce over, so is the other. Or if one is NOT divorce worthy, then neither can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your title mentions AP (affairs) as if that is separate from lack of sex. These are not separate issues, they are 100% equivalent. If one is important enough to divorce over, so is the other. Or if one is NOT divorce worthy, then neither can be.

OP here: they are linked, yes, I just didn't want to clutter the subject line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your title mentions AP (affairs) as if that is separate from lack of sex. These are not separate issues, they are 100% equivalent. If one is important enough to divorce over, so is the other. Or if one is NOT divorce worthy, then neither can be.

No MRA they are indeed separate. Cheating on your spouse is indeed a sin in many religions and in the state court systems. Not having "enough" sex is not. Not have any sex is not. Your attempt at reverse logic is poor.

If your spouse does not want to sleep with you, ask them why not. If they give you the honest answer, and you work at it, things may indeed improve. Eg. I don't want to have sex with you because you are a disrespectful pig in the house and I don't find that sexually attractive.

[Anonymous]

That was his attempt at excusing his infidelity. He posts that krap all the time on here. Zero personal responsibility for his marriage or his cheating, it's all Her Fault. Been blaming other people for your shortcomings for years, right?

[Anonymous]

I am a man. Having an affair and not having sex are two totally different issues. If you have an affair you are cutting off the channels and mechanisms by which marriage / monogamy is supposed to get you to work on your sex life with one other individual. I do think lack of sex can be a legit reason for a divorce, but it's not really a legit reason for lying to your partner and cheating on them.

[Anonymous]

We are about to separate. Affection, friendship, companionship, kindness, and sex dropped off to nothing in the past two years. No fighting, no alcohol, abuse, or affair. Just turned into platonic housemates. We got to the point where we were both desperate to have sex... just not with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your title mentions AP (affairs) as if that is separate from lack of sex. These are not separate issues, they are 100% equivalent. If one is important enough to divorce over, so is the other. Or if one is NOT divorce worthy, then neither can be.

No MRA they are indeed separate. Cheating on your spouse is indeed a sin in many religions and in the state court systems. Not having "enough" sex is not. Not have any sex is not. Your attempt at reverse logic is poor.

If your spouse does not want to sleep with you, ask them why not. If they give you the honest answer, and you work at it, things may indeed improve. Eg. I don't want to have sex with you because you are a disrespectful pig in the house and I don't find that sexually attractive.

Yes pearl clutching shrewd they are equivalent. Not having sex is indeed a sin in many religions and in some state court systems.... see "abandonment of affection" laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man. Having an affair and not having sex are two totally different issues. If you have an affair you are cutting off the channels and mechanisms by which marriage / monogamy is supposed to get you to work on your sex life with one other individual. I do think lack of sex can be a legit reason for a divorce, but it's not really a legit reason for lying to your partner and cheating on them.

But you just said that lack of sex is legit reason for divorce. In other words, you agreed with my assertion that these are equivalent from the perspective of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a man. Having an affair and not having sex are two totally different issues. If you have an affair you are cutting off the channels and mechanisms by which marriage / monogamy is supposed to get you to work on your sex life with one other individual. I do think lack of sex can be a legit reason for a divorce, but it's not really a legit reason for lying to your partner and cheating on them.

But you just said that lack of sex is legit reason for divorce. In other words, you agreed with my assertion that these are equivalent from the perspective of divorce.

Different man here. I don't think they are equivalent. Lack of sex is something you can maybe, hopefully recover from. Once they cross the line into adultery, then you're done. Also, a divorce when one person is cheating is far more likely to be contentious than one with "just" lack of sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your title mentions AP (affairs) as if that is separate from lack of sex. These are not separate issues, they are 100% equivalent. If one is important enough to divorce over, so is the other. Or if one is NOT divorce worthy, then neither can be.

No MRA they are indeed separate. Cheating on your spouse is indeed a sin in many religions and in the state court systems. Not having "enough" sex is not. Not have any sex is not. Your attempt at reverse logic is poor.

If your spouse does not want to sleep with you, ask them why not. If they give you the honest answer, and you work at it, things may indeed improve. Eg. I don't want to have sex with you because you are a disrespectful pig in the house and I don't find that sexually attractive.

Yes pearl clutching shrewd they are equivalent. Not having sex is indeed a sin in many religions and in some state court systems.... see "abandonment of affection" laws.

ah yes, quoting the Koran now and all westerners should be slaves too right?