Open relationships - good, bad and ugly

[Anonymous]

OKCupid has a ton of people who are in 'open relationships'. While I'm looking for a LTR, several folks have reached out who are in open relationships. I've been contemplating going out on a date with this one person who seems nice based on the profile, and probably will.

However, I'm so curious about this lifestyle...how does this work? Can some of you who have been in one, or are in one, share some of your experiences? What to look out for? Good, bad and the ugly? Hit me with it.

[Anonymous]

Beware the liar who states he/she is in an “open relationship,” but is really just cheating on their spouse.

[Anonymous]

He's a married guy who is cheating. He's in an open relationship but it's likely his wife isn't. You can solve the issue by saying you'd like to confirm the open relationship with his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware the liar who states he/she is in an “open relationship,” but is really just cheating on their spouse.

What horseshit.

I'm in an "open relationship". My DW has met my girlfriend on several occasions. We've gone on dates together and solo. I've met my DW's boyfriend and have gone out drinking with him and we play golf every once in a while. It can work if people are honest with each other and potential partners.

If someone says they are in an 'open relationship', ask them to prove it. When you meet someone, have them bring their spouse or partner to that date so you can not just verify, but also check to see if you can handle the dynamic as you will not be the primary partner. Plenty of books out there to read about it. But if you can make it work, you can have your cake and eat it too.

If you're the jealous type and need validation of a partner, this is not the lifestyle for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware the liar who states he/she is in an “open relationship,” but is really just cheating on their spouse.

What horseshit.

I'm in an "open relationship". My DW has met my girlfriend on several occasions. We've gone on dates together and solo. I've met my DW's boyfriend and have gone out drinking with him and we play golf every once in a while. It can work if people are honest with each other and potential partners.

If someone says they are in an 'open relationship', ask them to prove it. When you meet someone, have them bring their spouse or partner to that date so you can not just verify, but also check to see if you can handle the dynamic as you will not be the primary partner. Plenty of books out there to read about it. But if you can make it work, you can have your cake and eat it too.

If you're the jealous type and need validation of a partner, this is not the lifestyle for you.

My ex-husband told his side piece he and I were in an open relationship. That it was fine with me.

Nothing was further from the truth. He also was cheating on her with another woman and that woman gave him an STD, which in turn he gave me and the woman he was lying to about the “open marriage.”

I have no doubts there are plenty of open marriages, but I’d definitely want to be sure before I became involved with another person.

[Anonymous]

Trust but verify!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a married guy who is cheating. He's in an open relationship but it's likely his wife isn't. You can solve the issue by saying you'd like to confirm the open relationship with his wife.

+1

[Anonymous]

Like PP, I disagree with the automatic reaction of "must be married and cheating." I've been in open relationships and met quite a few of people on OKCupid in honest, ethical, open relationships. The thing is, open relationships take many forms and degrees of openness. The ones that work best are where everyone is clear where everyone stands. Does everybody get to meet everybody else? Does everyone know and understand the rules? Are their relationship hierarchies (e.g., the pre-existing relationship is primary & takes precedence and the others have a set time and place or are they "relationship anarchists" open to falling in love with others and no defined hierarchy)?

Successful open relationships require clarity and lots of communication. Some common pitfalls are:
1. misunderstandings or lack of communication about expectations
2. jealousy
3. competition or disagreements over resources (time investment, scheduling conflicts, money/energy/emotional capital spent on one versus the other)

With good communication and clear expectations it can be done.

I had 2 different experiences. One failed because my boyfriend was simply not open enough communication-wise. He didn't even like to tell his dates upfront that he was already in a relationship and had difficulty keeping me informed of what he was doing with whom. The lack of transparency with them and with me created too many misunderstandings and resentments. The other time, I joined an open couple in an established relationship. That worked very well because everything was out in the sunshine, everybody knew what was going on, when, and with whom. I spent time with both of them and we had a very close relationship. We're still good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware the liar who states he/she is in an “open relationship,” but is really just cheating on their spouse.

What horseshit.

I'm in an "open relationship". My DW has met my girlfriend on several occasions. We've gone on dates together and solo. I've met my DW's boyfriend and have gone out drinking with him and we play golf every once in a while. It can work if people are honest with each other and potential partners.

If someone says they are in an 'open relationship', ask them to prove it. When you meet someone, have them bring their spouse or partner to that date so you can not just verify, but also check to see if you can handle the dynamic as you will not be the primary partner. Plenty of books out there to read about it. But if you can make it work, you can have your cake and eat it too.

If you're the jealous type and need validation of a partner, this is not the lifestyle for you.

Then that post wasn't about you. Move along. -- NP

[Anonymous]

Regardless of the authenticity of the open relationship's status, this is ultimately a setup that benefits only one, if not both, of the people in the open relationship. Not the third person who enters this situation with nothing but someone's word that everything is legit. People in a real-deal OR have a deep and complex bond that you'll never break through, and those in a relationship they claim is open but is either a don't-ask-don't-tell situation or a forced-open type of thing (basically they gave their spouse the divorce or OR choice) are not people with whom you want to be involved.

In other words, the best you can hope for is a no-expectations physical relationship, and you can easily find that without all the potential for deception and complexity.

Give these folks a hard pass and just find someone single.