DH never follows through with gifts

[Anonymous]

My DH is actually pretty thoughtful at thinking up great gifts to give me, but he never follows through with actually getting them for me. For any gift giving occasion he will either print out a word document that has a picture of what he intends to get, or will verbally tell me. But then he never follows through to purchase the item on his own. I truly don’t get it - why go to the trouble of saying you will give someone something but never following through???

There are typically 3 outcomes - either I nag him incessantly about the gift and he eventually buys it to get me to shut up, I ask him about the gift and he seemingly has no intention of getting it so I just buy the item myself (which annoys him because I couldn’t wait for him to get it), or I ask a few times then let it go and then never end up getting said gift.

Some recent examples - for Mother’s Day back in May my gift was a spa day sans kids for a massage and facial. I asked DH when this would take place and if I should make the appointment but he told me repeatedly he would handle it. Well it’s the end of September and I am still waiting. I brought it up again last weekend and his response was that he didn’t realize it was so urgent???

For my birthday at the end of August DH tells me he is going to get us tickets to Florence and the Machine since I mentioned that I would love to see her perform. Well the show is in 2 weeks and he still hasn’t bought the tickets. What is he waiting for? So last night we got into a fight because I told him I should cancel the sitter now if he isn’t actually going to buy the tickets and his response was that I am so crazy uptight about these things.

I have asked him repeatedly not to give me gifts anymore because it’s so much worse when he doesn’t follow through or I nag him to death than if he just got me nothing at all. I don’t think he has followed through on a single gift in the last 5 years without a lot of prodding on my end.

Can anyone please help me understand this?

[Anonymous]

ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD

My guess as well.

[Anonymous]

Buy the tickets.

[Anonymous]

Change your mindset. From now on consider the “idea” as his gift.

Next time he mentions a gift, do all the planning the day after. If you need tickets for the concert, but them. Call your favorite spa and make an appointment, etc.

It sucks to have to get your own gifts but it is what is. And this is better than arguing about it.

[Anonymous]

ADHD, yes, but also DDS - Defensive Douchebag Syndrome.

[Anonymous]

you like you're sound high maintenance and a b*tch.

you may not be in fact but that is how you are coming across here to this guy at least. I have to imagine your DH may feel that way too - not to excuse his lack of follow up (that is clearly his fault), but there is probably more to it (from his perspective) as he may feel it's always about you/what you want (again, not blaming you, just mentioning that this might be the story running in his head).

[Anonymous]

ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you like you're sound high maintenance and a b*tch.

you may not be in fact but that is how you are coming across here to this guy at least. I have to imagine your DH may feel that way too - not to excuse his lack of follow up (that is clearly his fault), but there is probably more to it (from his perspective) as he may feel it's always about you/what you want (again, not blaming you, just mentioning that this might be the story running in his head).

Totally disagree. Her husband is a douchebag. There's nothing high maintenance about expecting a gift that was promised! Op sounds like a saint. I would have booked the massage the same day it was promised!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD.

Hah. I hadn't read the other responses before I put mine.

I'd tell him that yeah, you are compulsive and you need a date. When he gives you a spa gift, pull out the calendar and tell him you are going to do it on x date so you need it booked by 2 weeks before. He can book it, but you don't mind booking it to save him the hassle and will do so 2 weeks before if he doesn't get a chance to do it. For the concert, tell him you are ordering tix at same time as babysitter. He can do it or you will do it to save him the hassle, etc.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is not thoughtful in dreaming up gifts that he doesn't actually buy you.

He then furthers his asinine behavior by making it somehow your fault when you ask about it.

Start talking about some wonderful gourmet dinner and give hot dogs.

Seriously - the issue is him and him making you feel guilty about it is doubly wrong. But you do have some control. Stop actually expecting the dream list of gifts he says he will buy. Buy yourself what you want - outside of what he's promised. Don't expect gifts as clearly you're not receiving them unless he gets pressured. I wouldn't want it that way either.

And tell him he's a jerk and to stop projecting what he would buy you if he was a decent guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you like you're sound high maintenance and a b*tch.

you may not be in fact but that is how you are coming across here to this guy at least. I have to imagine your DH may feel that way too - not to excuse his lack of follow up (that is clearly his fault), but there is probably more to it (from his perspective) as he may feel it's always about you/what you want (again, not blaming you, just mentioning that this might be the story running in his head).

Totally disagree. Her husband is a douchebag. There's nothing high maintenance about expecting a gift that was promised! Op sounds like a saint. I would have booked the massage the same day it was promised!

Gee, a woman who doesn't agree with how a man interprets the behavior of a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you like you're sound high maintenance and a b*tch.

you may not be in fact but that is how you are coming across here to this guy at least. I have to imagine your DH may feel that way too - not to excuse his lack of follow up (that is clearly his fault), but there is probably more to it (from his perspective) as he may feel it's always about you/what you want (again, not blaming you, just mentioning that this might be the story running in his head).

NP, also a guy. I disagree with this poster. I also disagree with the other posters claiming our DH is a jerk.

I agree with the ADHD posters. I have totally been guilty of what you describe. Basically, he means well, but like many things, either half-asses the effort, or gets distracted. He needs to prioritize this and be properly motivated. Like most things, it's probably a mixture of the carrot and the stick.

For the carrot, when he actually follows through, emote and let him know how much it means to you. Maybe overplay it a little. There is no such thing as too much love, too much gratitude, or too much recognition. Lots of physical affection (I'm not talking sex, but hugs, smiles, and kisses) and lots of verbal affection. If you do this a few times, it will train his brain to want that reward for his good ideas.

For the stick, when he doesn't carry through, remind him, and nicely let him know it is important to you. Tell him you really want the spa date in a certain time period (maybe the month of June). If he doesn't come through, gently tell him you are disappointed, that you were looking forward to it, and a gift given 3 months late takes a lot of the joy out of it. Tell it to him positively, not angrily, but also be firm.

Let him know this is important to you, but give him the chance to self-correct. You're going to have to train this behavior in / out of him.

[Anonymous]

This would annoy me, too.

That said, I would stop asking him which seems to annoy both of you and just do: make the spa appt and let him know when it will occur and the cost; find the concert tickets that you want and let him know the date and cost.

[Anonymous]

Dated a guy like this. We broke up. Lost count of how many gifts/special treats he was going to do for me/us. They only happened if I nagged or did it myself.

He does have ADHD but only recently started taking medication for it. Aside from that he did zero
to manage it.

Oh, and I think he was a wee bit selfish. My favorite - he got an extra $500 and said we should get a couple massage. I LOVE massage. He said it repeatedly. Two weeks later, he came in showing me his new Apple Watch that he was able to get with that extra $500.


Do whatever you want with your money, but don’t promise me stuff (especially since I did not get a gift for bday or my birthday) and then make me seem crazy when you don’t follow through.