Can your husband apologize?

[Anonymous]

DH cannot ever say he's sorry. He cannot say those words willinging. It makes me nuts and it hurts my feelings. That said, I married him knowing this about him. In my armchair psychologist moments, I chalk to up to the fact that his mother has *never* so much as suggested to him that anything he does is less than perfect. She's never expected an apology out of him, so maybe he sees it as a weakness of some sort.

Is there some way to help him see that I need to him to say he's sorry on occasion, without my having to stew about it for an entire day and parse apart an argument to make him see why he upset me? This is not a tremendous problem and only happens a few times a year (because I really only expect apologies for something big), but I just don't think it's too much to expect. (Especially when I know that he IS contrite for what he did.) FWIW, he does expect our son to apologize when appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my husband will always apologize when we talk about things that are bothering me.

FWIW, I don't think this is a male thing. I have never gotten an apology out of my mother. Certain people are too well-defended to apologize. It's just too frightening for them.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my husband can, although not as easily as I do. Could you ask him in a relaxed moment why he doesn't seem to be able to apologize for something? I mean, there's nobody on the planet who isn't wrong on occasion, or who doesn't inadvertently hurt someone's feelings. It's not logical for him to assume he's the exception here. And you could stress that it's good for both you and he to model appropriate behavior (apologies when appropriate) in front of your child. And you could possibly apologize "more" so he gets used to it and/or starts to understand it doesn't mean weakness or failure or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Sorry.

There. Happy now?

[Anonymous]

Ditto on the mom. My dad apologizes like a champ, but somehow makes you feel bad for his feeling so bad. Not manipulative. Just sensitive.

How does he behave after arguments? Does he say things like "let's just forget about it"? Because there's your opening. You can say "No. I can't forget about it. You need to apologize and you need to mean it, otherwise I cannot get past it. Do it for both our sakes."

[Anonymous]

OP here. I toss around "im sorry" like candy. I might actually use it too much. So I don't think that's going to fix the situation.

We've had discussions about apologizing before and he just gets angry about it and insists that I'm the one who should apologize to him for making him angry.

Today he flew off the handle at our 4 year old several times for silly things and when I called him on it, DH snapped at me for speaking to him rudely. I'd rather him snap at me than the kids -- and the situation needed to be fixed -- but the whole thing has really rained on my day. I just want him to acknowledge that he was out of line and say he's sorry.

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who has great difficulty getting the words out - because when I apologize, I really mean it! DH will say he's sorry when I ask him too, but it is extremely frustrating because to him they are just words... there is no penitent feeling behind them, or a sense that he has done wrong, or that he will do things differently next time. For him it is just a way of placating me with little effort.

From your last, OP, I suspect your DH has (at least temporary) anger management problems. Those should be addressed first, not the "sorry" part. If he corrects his attitude without literally apologizing, that is really the most important thing!

[Anonymous]

My DH is not afraid to say the words "I'm sorry" however his next word is almost always BUT..... so no he cannot apologize but thinks that he can which is probably the worst kind of non-apologizer there is!!

[Anonymous]

Ditto to PP. The funny part is my four year old always says, "It's all my fault!" - even when it isn't. If I could just average them...

[Anonymous]

My husband has never said the words sorry but has shown it in other ways - but still he is way too proud to admit he was wrong but I know he feels bad sometimes.
My mom also never says sorry so it is definitely not a male/female thing - it is an insecure ego thing in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

My husband certainly CAN apologize but he does not. EVER. NEVER.

[Anonymous]

I'm a wife who never apologizes if that makes you feel any better. It is not because I'm not sorry but rather, if I feel like we've worked out the problem and have a solution for going forward, an apology doesn't mean very much to me. My husband apologizes but I often say I don't really want to hear it and I'd rather the "offense" just never happen again and be told that. It is tough I'm sure from your prospective but don't think he isn't sorry if he does address the problem.

[Anonymous]

I used to have a hard time ever apologizing. I'm a wife. It's mostly, I think, because I clung on dearly to the fact that I was RIGHT and I would never apologize if I thought I was right.

At some point I learned that he got really sick of feeling like he was always the first and only one to ever apologize and he refused to apologize any longer. I had some kind of epiphany moment when I realized how much bitterness he built over that and had to reflect on whether it was true that I did always become defensive and never apologize. I started apologizing a lot more easily after that somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to have a hard time ever apologizing. I'm a wife. It's mostly, I think, because I clung on dearly to the fact that I was RIGHT and I would never apologize if I thought I was right.

At some point I learned that he got really sick of feeling like he was always the first and only one to ever apologize and he refused to apologize any longer. I had some kind of epiphany moment when I realized how much bitterness he built over that and had to reflect on whether it was true that I did always become defensive and never apologize. I started apologizing a lot more easily after that somehow.

I wish my wife would have that epiphany. She never apologizes, and it really upsets me that I'm the only one who can say "I'm sorry." I also worry that our children are learning not to apologize. Maybe I should start refusing to apologize too to try to force her into an epiphany.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is not afraid to say the words "I'm sorry" however his next word is almost always BUT..... so no he cannot apologize but thinks that he can which is probably the worst kind of non-apologizer there is!!

HA! My DH does this ALL the time. "I'm sorry for X, Y and Z, but...." and my other favorite is "Oh, of course, it's all my fault, nothing I do is ever right."