"No friends" - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Hi,

My daughter is in middle school and has anxiety - she is currently on Prozac which helps somewhat, and also goes to therapy regularly. She was snubbed by her long time friends at the end of the last school year, and now finds herself alone. She is very introverted, and I think she doesn't remember how to make friends since she had those friends since early elementary school.

I have talked to her about being patient, that you can't make new friends overnight. She loves school except for the social aspects. If she had just one person that she could call a friend, that would make me feel much better.

Is there any other guidance I can give her to get her through this tough time?

Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Can you sign her up for some after school activities so that she meets people with similar interests? Better yet, if you can figure out an after school activity that includes a carpool, you could extend the time with the other kid(s) in the activity--she would arrive with a group (and talk in the car) and you could ask the other parents if you could stop for ice cream or dinner on the way home occasionally.

In the longer term, I have a daughter who is also not great at making friends. I've always encouraged her to play sports, which means she's been on the same soccer and basketball teams for years. When things aren't going well with her close friends, at least she has a group to spend time with a couple of times a week, and this is the group that forms the basis of birthday party invites, etc. Doesn't need to be sports-- girl scouts and that sort of club would serve the same purpose. A formal setting of friendship and camaraderie where everyone is included.

[Anonymous]

A comment not to OP but to everyone else reading-- the start of the school year is a good time to remind your kids to be on the lookout for new kids or kids who don't seem to have others to hang with, and to invite them to sit together at lunch. In MS and HS, lunch seems to be the most stressful time for introverted/new kids who don't have a clear group to sit with.

[Anonymous]

She needs to diversify her friend portfolio. Especially in middle school I really pushed DD to have friends from different groups, so if one group soured, she could just focus more attention on other groups.

Two friend groups at school, one at ice-skating, one at track, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'd contact her counselor and let the counselor know your DD is struggling. It's what they're there for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A comment not to OP but to everyone else reading-- the start of the school year is a good time to remind your kids to be on the lookout for new kids or kids who don't seem to have others to hang with, and to invite them to sit together at lunch. In MS and HS, lunch seems to be the most stressful time for introverted/new kids who don't have a clear group to sit with.

I think this is good advice. It's hard to break into established cliques, but she may be able to find a great friend by sitting with someone else who is by themselves.

This is how I found my best friend at the start of MS and we're still great friends 30 years later. I didn't have anxiety, but I was shy and pretty uncomfortable outside of my comfort zone. I had a lunch period where I didn't know anyone. Finding a new friend happen overnight, but luckily it did.

I also agree with contacting the counselor. He/she should have some strategies for your DD and they're really good about working with kids without anyone else knowing what's going on.

My fingers are crossed for your DD!

[Anonymous]

Does she have any interest in theater, either at school or community theater? One of the good things about it is there's lots of unstructured time-- if you're not in the scene they are rehearsing, you're backstage goofing off with the rest of the cast and crew. So it gives lots of opportunities to make new friends. Also being on stage, perhaps in the chorus, might help with the anxiety? If not, she could do the behind-the-scenes stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have any interest in theater, either at school or community theater? One of the good things about it is there's lots of unstructured time-- if you're not in the scene they are rehearsing, you're backstage goofing off with the rest of the cast and crew. So it gives lots of opportunities to make new friends. Also being on stage, perhaps in the chorus, might help with the anxiety? If not, she could do the behind-the-scenes stuff.

She definitely has an interest, but her school only has limited theatre activities a few times a year. Anyone know of community theatre volunteer opps for 13 year olds?

[Anonymous]

How about getting a school counselor involved? They are very good at matching up kids who may be in need of new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have any interest in theater, either at school or community theater? One of the good things about it is there's lots of unstructured time-- if you're not in the scene they are rehearsing, you're backstage goofing off with the rest of the cast and crew. So it gives lots of opportunities to make new friends. Also being on stage, perhaps in the chorus, might help with the anxiety? If not, she could do the behind-the-scenes stuff.

She definitely has an interest, but her school only has limited theatre activities a few times a year. Anyone know of community theatre volunteer opps for 13 year olds?

Where do you live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have any interest in theater, either at school or community theater? One of the good things about it is there's lots of unstructured time-- if you're not in the scene they are rehearsing, you're backstage goofing off with the rest of the cast and crew. So it gives lots of opportunities to make new friends. Also being on stage, perhaps in the chorus, might help with the anxiety? If not, she could do the behind-the-scenes stuff.

She definitely has an interest, but her school only has limited theatre activities a few times a year. Anyone know of community theatre volunteer opps for 13 year olds?

Where do you live?

Sorry! Nova.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about getting a school counselor involved? They are very good at matching up kids who may be in need of new friends.

Yes, I have been in contact with her counselor and she is trying to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

My daughter is in middle school and has anxiety - she is currently on Prozac which helps somewhat, and also goes to therapy regularly. She was snubbed by her long time friends at the end of the last school year, and now finds herself alone. She is very introverted, and I think she doesn't remember how to make friends since she had those friends since early elementary school.

I have talked to her about being patient, that you can't make new friends overnight. She loves school except for the social aspects. If she had just one person that she could call a friend, that would make me feel much better.

Is there any other guidance I can give her to get her through this tough time?

Thanks!

The advice I would give at this age , and which I did give, is it's a DIY thing. Your DD is going to have to do something because no one can do it for her. That could be as simple as situating herself near groups of the friendliest girls who and learning how to just gradually blend in. For introverts with anxiety, this method can be less threatening that having to directly speak up to someone.

[Anonymous]

Travelling Players is a great theatre company in NOVA!!! your daughter would love it!!!

[Anonymous]

Travelling Players in NOVA is a great theatre group for this age!!!!