Too many relationships before marriage = jaded?

[Anonymous]

Or cynical?
I think this was the case for me and several of my friends who did the career and travel thing then settled down after dating many people.
Truly would discourage my kids from taking the same route.
The fun and excitement of those years was mixed with disappointment, frustration, and anger. The negative feelings seemed to tip the scale in the worse way. I entered my marriage very cynically but my spouse doesn’t know it. I faked enthusiasm. BFF admittedly felt the same way when she married at 37.

[Anonymous]

agree with this.

The other thing is that if you have kids early you are sending them off to college in your 40s with a couple of good decades to go.

[Anonymous]

I had plenty or relationships before I married and instead of being jaded it helped me know what I was really looking for. My DH isn't perfect but he certainly checked off most of the boxes of things that were really important. It didn't take me long to know that he was the one.

[Anonymous]

I had plenty of relationships before I got married. I don't think I was jaded about relationships at all. I think that my expectations of marriage balanced between excitement about the specific person I was marrying and our specific relationship and a realistic understanding that relationships take work and commitment. I didn't have a Disney-flavored mentality about relationships, which I think a lot of the women I know who married very young or with limited relationship experience did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had plenty or relationships before I married and instead of being jaded it helped me know what I was really looking for. My DH isn't perfect but he certainly checked off most of the boxes of things that were really important. It didn't take me long to know that he was the one.

this is the more likely the outcome of dating a lot of people - nailing down what you're looking for. I suppose it could make you cynical if it was filled with bad relationships or constant heartache.

[Anonymous]

It's more about healthy relationships, and paramount, the mental health of the individual. It's not about a number.

[Anonymous]

I was jaded about relationships at 12. My parents were divorced. My maternal grandmother was married to an alcoholic. My paternal grandmother was married to a narcissist. I was pretty much convinced that you were damned if you do and damned if you don't. My father's favorite wedding toast was "We all go to hell in our own way."

I never planned on getting married. I dated casually and broke up with guys the minute they started getting a little bit serious. I fell desperately, hopelessly in love with my husband though. Just completely in love. I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with him. Getting married just seemed like the right thing to do.

Our 25th wedding anniversary was last month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had plenty or relationships before I married and instead of being jaded it helped me know what I was really looking for. My DH isn't perfect but he certainly checked off most of the boxes of things that were really important. It didn't take me long to know that he was the one.

this is the more likely the outcome of dating a lot of people - nailing down what you're looking for. I suppose it could make you cynical if it was filled with bad relationships or constant heartache.

I agree - none of my relationships were bad or had ugly break ups but at the same time I was never head over heels in love. Early on I liked the guys a lot but over time I knew that they weren't right for me. My DH and I were friends for a couple of years before we connected and I slowly came to realize that there was a lot I really liked about him. When we finally got together it was so easy because I really knew him and there weren't any "oh no" surprises that so easily pop up in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had plenty or relationships before I married and instead of being jaded it helped me know what I was really looking for. My DH isn't perfect but he certainly checked off most of the boxes of things that were really important. It didn't take me long to know that he was the one.

this. same reason waiting on sex for your wedding night is dumb.

[Anonymous]

Early on my relationships were pretty bad because I was focused on looks, fun times and great sex. It didn't take long for boredom to set in and I would move on. I finally grew up and began to think about what I really wanted and of the three only great sex stayed on my list which expanded to include things like intelligence, kindness, ambition, sense of humor plus a few more. Eventually I met the guy with all of those attributes plus he's good looking and a lot of fun. I'm very happy I got out of my shallow phase fairly early on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had plenty or relationships before I married and instead of being jaded it helped me know what I was really looking for. My DH isn't perfect but he certainly checked off most of the boxes of things that were really important. It didn't take me long to know that he was the one.

this. same reason waiting on sex for your wedding night is dumb.

+1 There are so many important things you need to know about someone before you marry them and sexual compatibility is one of them. Yes, many people who waited are happy. But to marry someone and find out that he/she doesn't enjoy it would be awful.

[Anonymous]

Oh jeez, for me it was the opposite. It took me a lot of relationships to figure out how not to suck at relationships - how to actually *be* in a relationship instead of being stuck in some idea of what a relationship ought to be like, and thus be continually upset and disappointed due to unrealistic expectations.

I'm so grateful I had a lot of relationships before I met and settled down with my now-husband. Without that, I don't think I would be nearly as accommodating and realistic -- and therefore, able to keep and be in a stable, happy marriage.

I'm sure it varies person to person. And sure, I always think how nice it would have been to be one of those people who met someone perfect at age 20 and never looked back. But man, I am so grateful for what I have with my husband.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s more about personalities. My sister was jaded and cynical after years of dating the wrong guys. She’s also jaded and cynical about drive thrus (they never get my order right, I think they recognize my voice and mess it up intentionally), paying $12 for movie tickets (I'm going to hate it anyway and I’ll never get those 2 hours back) , and dog groomers (they do it right the first time then they stop caring once I’m a regular). I think it’s just in her nature to be jaded and cynical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was jaded about relationships at 12. My parents were divorced. My maternal grandmother was married to an alcoholic. My paternal grandmother was married to a narcissist. I was pretty much convinced that you were damned if you do and damned if you don't. My father's favorite wedding toast was "We all go to hell in our own way."

I never planned on getting married. I dated casually and broke up with guys the minute they started getting a little bit serious. I fell desperately, hopelessly in love with my husband though. Just completely in love. I knew I wanted to spend my whole life with him. Getting married just seemed like the right thing to do.

Our 25th wedding anniversary was last month.

+1 pp could be me, 21 years in. I have no regrets about not sowing my oats and learned enough to know that anyone can find someone, but it’s better to not settle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s more about personalities. My sister was jaded and cynical after years of dating the wrong guys. She’s also jaded and cynical about drive thrus (they never get my order right, I think they recognize my voice and mess it up intentionally), paying $12 for movie tickets (I'm going to hate it anyway and I’ll never get those 2 hours back) , and dog groomers (they do it right the first time then they stop caring once I’m a regular). I think it’s just in her nature to be jaded and cynical.

This