your child's future wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.

[Anonymous]

Well my 5 yr old is convinced she’s marrying her 3 “best” friends and a doll, and maybe Elsa from frozen - so that group marriage ceremony will be quite a show.

Honestly I think things will change over time. We will see smaller events as our circles shrink. I had kids later as did all my cousins so there will likely not be a ton of older relatives to invite. I’m sure the kids will have friends, extended family, people close to you at the time.

Personally, I hated that my parents/in laws invited all their friends and frankly it was weird. They did it more as a “well I was invited to X’s stepsons bar mitzvah in 2003 so I can’t not include them...”. I would have preferred a much smaller event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white.

It's narcissistic to have a party for yourself and your friends after the wedding. It's not about you all the time, that's hard for narcissists to understand. Nice try at gaslighting and projecting your negativity onto the bride, but ultimately you fail.

It's a family affair if the couple chooses to make it one, end of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my 5 yr old is convinced she’s marrying her 3 “best” friends and a doll, and maybe Elsa from frozen - so that group marriage ceremony will be quite a show.

Honestly I think things will change over time. We will see smaller events as our circles shrink. I had kids later as did all my cousins so there will likely not be a ton of older relatives to invite. I’m sure the kids will have friends, extended family, people close to you at the time.

Personally, I hated that my parents/in laws invited all their friends and frankly it was weird. They did it more as a “well I was invited to X’s stepsons bar mitzvah in 2003 so I can’t not include them...”. I would have preferred a much smaller event.

It's not weid, maybe different for you, but it's totally up to the couple marrying who is on the guest list, if they want to open it up to parents' friends that's cool, but if they don't then the parents need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white.

It's narcissistic to have a party for yourself and your friends after the wedding. It's not about you all the time, that's hard for narcissists to understand. Nice try at gaslighting and projecting your negativity onto the bride, but ultimately you fail.

It's a family affair if the couple chooses to make it one, end of.

And we wonder why so many people are isolated, miserable islands in this country. The young couple opts to begin the start of their family life together...without family. So poetic. And particularly telling about where society is given that we have an OP explicitly worried that she has no community, and she's not alone in this sentiment. This is why Americans are alone with no sense of community - because they failed to build those bonds even with their own families. If you've already failed there, how on earth would you ever expect to find community somewhere else? Or take care of the wider community? Because we've definitely failed on the latter.

[Anonymous]

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white.

An Italian-American wedding will change your mind on that score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I have a question....maybe too early and silly to think about it now as my children are still young.

You are thinking about this because your kids are still young. I have two older teen DDs, and wow I have realized that I'm not going to have much say in anything. All that event planning falls away, not planning playdates, not driving to help your kid with their own playdates as they can drive themselves (and it's not called playdates anymore either), etc.

That said, my mom was very social and wanted many of her friends at our 1998 wedding. We were having a small wedding and it looked to be dominated by her friends. I ended up giving her 20 invites for her to decide who to give them to. She mailed them off, and when her friends called her to discuss, she asked them to mail back the invite so she could invite more people. Sneaky mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white.

It's narcissistic to have a party for yourself and your friends after the wedding. It's not about you all the time, that's hard for narcissists to understand. Nice try at gaslighting and projecting your negativity onto the bride, but ultimately you fail.

It's a family affair if the couple chooses to make it one, end of.

See bold. The entire point of my original post was nobody (bride or MIL) needs to make all about them all the time. I fail to see how an entirely separate occasion is making it "all about her" all the time. As I said earlier, the MIL should accept it if the bride/groom refuse a request to invite some of the parent's friends to the wedding, but perhaps you can explain why the bride should feel entitled to tell the MIL not to celebrate her son's wedding on another day with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people. It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings.

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed. Different families do different things. Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own." I had a close friend like that. Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays. But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition. In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives. It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her? Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents. I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding. I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white.

It's narcissistic to have a party for yourself and your friends after the wedding. It's not about you all the time, that's hard for narcissists to understand. Nice try at gaslighting and projecting your negativity onto the bride, but ultimately you fail.

It's a family affair if the couple chooses to make it one, end of.

See bold. The entire point of my original post was nobody (bride or MIL) needs to make all about them all the time. I fail to see how an entirely separate occasion is making it "all about her" all the time. As I said earlier, the MIL should accept it if the bride/groom refuse a request to invite some of the parent's friends to the wedding, but perhaps you can explain why the bride should feel entitled to tell the MIL not to celebrate her son's wedding on another day with friends?

Why does she need a party to do this?

[Anonymous]

Having a teen now, I think there are no guarantees she’ll ever want to marry and if she does, doubt she’s going to want some big socially compliant festival of gender norms.

I just think that with every decade, kids are less and less into that. And all the climate change stuff has kids thinking about the future and families in a totally different way than we ever did.

[Anonymous]

On the MiL debate, just so weird to celebrate someone else’s milestone with your friends. Would you throw a party with your friends to celebrate someone else’s birthday?
I think most people feel put upon when invited to a friend or colleague’s kid’s wedding, unless they were the type of friend that is sort of like an “auntie” to the kid. I’d rather my friend just be honest and invite me to a party to celebrate their own anniversary, birthday, promotion, divorce or whatever. Then I don’t have to sit through a bunch of toasts about a kid I barely knew and their new spouse whom I’ve never met before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Why does she need a party to do this?

I have no idea. I've never met the woman. Perhaps she comes from a social set where the expectation is that weddings are huge events and that the parents of those getting married regularly invite the closest friends and she was a bit hurt that she couldn't do that. Maybe she wanted it to be an engagement party for the couple, but they said no. But ultimately, it doesn't really matter. If she wants to throw a party with and for her friends, why is that something to be condemned? As I said in the first instance, it's unusual, but I don't think see the need to criticize someone solely because they do things differently.

[Anonymous]

Had about 150 people at our wedding...I had about 60 guests, mostly my friends, a few out of town family members, and two families that are very good family friends. My husband had more like 80 guests b/c he had a ton more local family and family friends. We both got to invite who we wanted (for the most part).