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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is how I feel. I'd be so sad if my child didn't want to include all the people who helped raise him. If I'm paying for the extra expense, why would they refuse?[/quote]

Eh, this is not about you. It's about your adult child getting married and marking a major milestone in their life as they see fit. If they want a small wedding, you don't get to throw money and think that earns you the right to invite whomever you want. That's a quick way to alienate your child.

I was in my 30s when I got married and wanted a very small wedding. My H felt the same way. We chose a venue for the size we had in mind. My parents did not help with the planning process, but wanted to invite more people.  It would have completely change the character of the wedding. Even if they offered to pay, it's not so simple as to add more tables. Unless your child involves you in the planning process and you're paying a significant portion of it, you have no say in the guest list. Let your child flex his wings. [/quote]

This exactly. We paid ourselves and had a 100 person wedding at a small venue that could not fit much more than that. Only our friends and family we were close to, no parent friends. I very clearly remember MIL sighing and dramatically declaring she'd have to buy a table for her friends herself - big assumption, given that there literally was not room for another table.

Weddings should not be about the parents and I find it really kind of pathetic when they insist on making the day about themselves. MIL ended up having a separate party *for herself* to congratulate her on her son's wedding. Bonkers.[/quote]

What a shame that your family can't respect and honor other members that have different views on how a wedding and marriage should proceed.  Different families do different things.  Perhaps it is important for you to say "I am island. I make my own choices and honor no tradition but my own."  I had a close friend like that.  Like many, she had a major falling out with her parents when she came out in a very traditional and religious family. It did not go well and really turned her against most holidays.  But that doesn't mean that she life was superior to others that choose to embrace their own cultural tradition.  [b]In a wedding (and a marriage and a family), we often have to make room for other's desires, while setting boundaries to protect our own lives.  It's a balancing act, and not something that is suitable to a one-size-fits-all approach.[/b]

As to the MIL in your story, if your whole thing is that adults should be able a mark a major milestone in their life as they see fit, then why do you feel so entitled to judge her?  Yes, a wedding is more important to the parties being joined, but it's not important to the parents.  I agree that it is unusual for MIL to throw a party like that, but it is also pretty clear that she was shut out from inviting those friends to celebrate at her son's wedding.  I would hope that the MIL could explain her request calmly and if denied, accept it with grace, but I don't see any reason why a bride needs to judge her MIL for throwing a separate party with the friends that couldn't be invited to the wedding.[/quote]

That's because you're a narcissist like mil or a narcissist apologist.[/quote]

Why is it narcissistic to want to involve all family members at a wedding? You'd think the reverse would be true with the bride-centered focus. I think the take away here is that if you believe the wedding is about 1 person only, have your kid marry a white person. If it's a family affair, non-white. [/quote]

It's narcissistic to have a party for yourself and your friends after the wedding.  It's not about you all the time, that's hard for narcissists to understand. Nice try at gaslighting and projecting your negativity onto the bride, but ultimately you fail.

It's a family affair if the couple chooses to make it one, end of.[/quote]

See bold.  The entire point of my original post was nobody (bride or MIL) needs to make all about them all the time.  I fail to see how an entirely separate occasion is making it "all about her" all the time.  As I said earlier, the MIL should accept it if the bride/groom refuse a request to invite some of the parent's friends to the wedding, but perhaps you can explain why the bride should feel entitled to tell the MIL not to celebrate her son's wedding on another day with friends? 
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