Does SAHM make a difference during infant years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. I will say it was deeply satisfying for ME. But my kids are tweens now and there is no difference between them and those whose mothers who worked. The kids who had SAHM are no more confident or secure or happy. In fact, kids who had working moms are Probably more independent!

I think the idea that kids suffer if their mothers work is utter hogwash. I hated leaving my baby and that’s the only reason I stayed home. (Very personal choice!)

Another SAHM here. I share this view. A loving and experienced daycare provider beats a frazzled and imploding mother any day of the week. Your feeling about continuing to work is the most important thing. Kids, even babies adjust. Please have faith in your ability to make the right decision.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I think it really depends on the mother. I loved staying home with my DD between 0 and 3 and think we both got a lot out of it. I feel really in tune with who she is as a person and what she needs, both now and moving forward, that will help me make parenting decisions moving forward.

We also have a really great relationship and I feel confident that we've laid the groundwork for a solid parent-child relationship moving forward. She trusts me, she talks to me about what is troubling her and we've developed a good vocabulary for discussing stuff. I definitely think you could do that while working but for me, it was helpful to be together more to get to that place.

But ultimately, I stayed home because I wanted to. I was an older mom and I knew this would be my only child. I worked for 20 years before becoming a mom. I was ready for a break and wanted to soak up the baby and toddler years while I could because I'm not going to get to do it again. I think if I'd had a baby at 32, or if I'd been planning to have 2 or 3, I might have made a different choice. I don't think it benefits a baby to be home with a mother who wishes she was at work or is bored or feels isolated. And I think those feelings are valid and don't mean you are a bad mom, at all! It's not how I felt but I could see how someone might.

The point is, make the choice that makes sense for you and that's what's best for your baby. I know that sounds selfish, but the truth is that your baby needs a happy, well-adjusted mom. If that means going back to work and finding a great nanny or a great daycare, do it! If it means quitting and staying home, and that works for your finances and your career, do that. I don't think either choice is best for everyone, because everyone has a different family set up, different personality, different work situation, etc. Heck, some people don't have access to high quality childcare and that influences their choice -- if you can't find a daycare you like and you can't afford a nanny, then staying home might feel like the best option. But it's so, so person dependent.

How old is your kid right now? I’m going to guess younger than 5, just from how idealistic you sound. Check in again when you have a school age child.

She’s 4 (and I’m back at work full time) but how can my lives experience be “idealistic”? I took time off, it was the right choice for me, it seems to have been good for my kid, but I’m sure other options would have worked for her too. Not sure why any of that would change— no matter what the future holds, I can’t think of any reason I’d suddenly regret my very positive SAHM experience later.

I’m not questioning your choices, good for you. I just noticed a couple phrases in there that are typical of a FTM with a young child. Wait until your child gets a little older and more complex. You’ll see that 0-5 is a golden period, regardless of whether you WOH or SAH. There’s a reason older women get misty eyed when they see a young child. It’s easy to be that child’s whole world and to feel like you’re doing everything right. Wait a bit, you’ll see what I mean.

Oh, a “just you wait— you’ll see.” Moms of young kids never hear that.

Yes, of course things will change as my child ages. Thank you for explaining *the effect of time on humans* to me. As a person in my 40s, that has never occurred to me before.

Honey, you’re the one who said this bond is going to help you make parenting decisions going forward and that you feel confident about this great groundwork you’ve laid. Sorry but only moms of young children say that kind of thing. That’s not a mindset that shows consciousness about how things change. You will be dealing with a completely different kid in a few years. It’s fine if you want to congratulate yourself about the lifelong effects of these few years, but just own that this isn’t really realistic given that it’s early in the marathon. The truth is you don’t know yet what your child or your relationship with your child is going to look like, and that’s ok. Embrace the fact that you had some good years. Don’t make it into an expectation for how things will go.

Ooooh, a “Honey” — now I know you really do know what you are talking about.

I see that you have been triggered by some of the words in my originally post and I would encourage you to raise that with your therapist at your next session. However, if you had actually read my whole post, who would have seen that I point out that I think someone WOH could develop the same bond, but this is what worked for me. And when I say it helps me make decisions for my kid, I’m talking about PK programs and whether to sign her up for gymnastics, not college. But you read into what you wanted so that you could climb up on your high horse and explain parenting to me.

Sorry you are struggling with your school age kids, but that’s not really relevant to my comment or this thread. The OP asked if SAHM during infant/toddler years made a difference, and I explained that in my case, it made a difference *for me*. It’s what I wanted so it’s what I did and I don’t regret it. I was arguing that it’s the solution to all parenting issues or that it will ensure your child does well at every age, just that in the microcosm of ages 0-3, it worked for me.

I have no idea why you feel the need to tell me that my kid will change as she ages. Thanks, I know? Nothing you’ve said helps anyone (not me, not OP). You are just enjoying telling a mother of a younger child that you know more (and yet, mysteriously, this vast experience has produced not a single nugget of wisdom). But whatever your motivation, it’s AAAALLLLL about you and has nothing to do with me.

Trust me. You’ll see.

Huh. I hope your child enjoyed being home alone with such a wound up mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are nearly grown, but I simply could not hand my newborn over to strangers at a daycare, who were managing my baby in addition to five or six others lined in their infant car carriers in the baby room waiting for individual attention. Just couldn't do it. That is the decision that worked best for me at the time.

Follow your gut. Looking back, I feel I did the right thing for me and my child(ren). Zero regrets. Work will always be there to go back to, but you only get one chance to raise your children. My kids are well-adjusted, calm, thoughtful young people who do me proud.

You actually literally couldn't do that now, since that's not legal in daycares, and not what happens.

PP. could you expand on that? That is not our experience in daycare.

At our licensed DC center, they were not *allowed* to leave the babies in their cribs unless they were napping, they had one swing (which was only out during the pickup window, and, as far as I can tell, was there to minimize the number of babies on the floor when the most adults were coming in and out), and they *never* left the babies in their car seats. I think there were rules about that, too. On the other hand, they had two rocking chairs, and regularly rocked the babies to sleep. (I used to come in at lunch to nurse every day, so I saw a fair amount of what went on.) Babies were not lined up in their carriers -- you handed your baby off directly to one of the staff. The staff were constantly hands-on with the babies: feeding them, changing them, rocking them, singing songs to them, playing with them on the mats, etc.

And they are only strangers until they aren't: the staff were always warm and affectionate towards the babies, and the kids who had aged out of the infant room still loved them and were always happy to see them (and vice-versa).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the tipping point for me was that a child develops a primary attachment, and if a nanny was going to be with my child for 7-8 of their waking hours and I would get 2-4 of those waking hours, the baby would be more attached to the nanny. Then, when the inevitable time comes to let your nanny go, your child has lost a huge part of their family. That's traumatic if you have a good nanny, and if you don't then that's traumatic in its own way. Sure, they may not remember consciously, but their body does.

Also, I guess part of it was having a balanced and relaxed life. I don't understand the point of doing anything if you're not enjoying yourself. With one parent home (would've just as easily been DH but he made 1.5x my salary) your life is just so very relaxed and low stress. That's the point! Have fun!

So not true regarding nannies. I was raised with a wonderful nanny who stayed in my life after she stopped working for my parents and my brother and I spoke at her funeral. My primary attachment was still with my parents.

My kids also have a brilliant, loving nanny who sees her former charges so I know she’ll see my kids once she moves on unemployment. And my kids are very bonded with DH and me. There is no confusion at all.

With all due respect, you do not know this. You were an infant and toddler during this time. It switches. It is a deeply rooted psychological state of attachment, not a conscious "this is my mom" kind of thing.

NP here and no, the primary attachment is still with the parents. Children aren’t stupid. They know Nanny goes home and mom and dad stay. I was a nanny before becoming a SAHM and my former charges had to issues with parental attachment and I can see that my relationships with my kids now is very different than my relationships with my former charges. And, the the PP, I still see and FaceTime my former charges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the tipping point for me was that a child develops a primary attachment, and if a nanny was going to be with my child for 7-8 of their waking hours and I would get 2-4 of those waking hours, the baby would be more attached to the nanny. Then, when the inevitable time comes to let your nanny go, your child has lost a huge part of their family. That's traumatic if you have a good nanny, and if you don't then that's traumatic in its own way. Sure, they may not remember consciously, but their body does.

Also, I guess part of it was having a balanced and relaxed life. I don't understand the point of doing anything if you're not enjoying yourself. With one parent home (would've just as easily been DH but he made 1.5x my salary) your life is just so very relaxed and low stress. That's the point! Have fun!

So not true regarding nannies. I was raised with a wonderful nanny who stayed in my life after she stopped working for my parents and my brother and I spoke at her funeral. My primary attachment was still with my parents.

My kids also have a brilliant, loving nanny who sees her former charges so I know she’ll see my kids once she moves on unemployment. And my kids are very bonded with DH and me. There is no confusion at all.

I think the key here is that you (and your kids) were able to maintain a relationship with your respective nannies, so that eased the trauma of separation. That’s not always possible (nanny moves away, nanny might not be as interested in keeping in touch etc) and that might be when attachment issues follow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the tipping point for me was that a child develops a primary attachment, and if a nanny was going to be with my child for 7-8 of their waking hours and I would get 2-4 of those waking hours, the baby would be more attached to the nanny. Then, when the inevitable time comes to let your nanny go, your child has lost a huge part of their family. That's traumatic if you have a good nanny, and if you don't then that's traumatic in its own way. Sure, they may not remember consciously, but their body does.

Also, I guess part of it was having a balanced and relaxed life. I don't understand the point of doing anything if you're not enjoying yourself. With one parent home (would've just as easily been DH but he made 1.5x my salary) your life is just so very relaxed and low stress. That's the point! Have fun!

So not true regarding nannies. I was raised with a wonderful nanny who stayed in my life after she stopped working for my parents and my brother and I spoke at her funeral. My primary attachment was still with my parents.

My kids also have a brilliant, loving nanny who sees her former charges so I know she’ll see my kids once she moves on unemployment. And my kids are very bonded with DH and me. There is no confusion at all.

With all due respect, you do not know this. You were an infant and toddler during this time. It switches. It is a deeply rooted psychological state of attachment, not a conscious "this is my mom" kind of thing.

DP. I'm sorry, but this is idiotic. Are you seriously saying that an adult does not have the capacity to identify their own primary parental attachment? Do you gaslight people as a regular practice? Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the tipping point for me was that a child develops a primary attachment, and if a nanny was going to be with my child for 7-8 of their waking hours and I would get 2-4 of those waking hours, the baby would be more attached to the nanny. Then, when the inevitable time comes to let your nanny go, your child has lost a huge part of their family. That's traumatic if you have a good nanny, and if you don't then that's traumatic in its own way. Sure, they may not remember consciously, but their body does.

Also, I guess part of it was having a balanced and relaxed life. I don't understand the point of doing anything if you're not enjoying yourself. With one parent home (would've just as easily been DH but he made 1.5x my salary) your life is just so very relaxed and low stress. That's the point! Have fun!

So not true regarding nannies. I was raised with a wonderful nanny who stayed in my life after she stopped working for my parents and my brother and I spoke at her funeral. My primary attachment was still with my parents.

My kids also have a brilliant, loving nanny who sees her former charges so I know she’ll see my kids once she moves on unemployment. And my kids are very bonded with DH and me. There is no confusion at all.

With all due respect, you do not know this. You were an infant and toddler during this time. It switches. It is a deeply rooted psychological state of attachment, not a conscious "this is my mom" kind of thing.

NP but you are dead wrong. I have an au pair who the kids LOVE like an older cousin, but when I’m off work and come downstairs they are all over me. I (abs my DH) are the ones getting up with them in the middle of the night, getting them ready in the morning and at night. It might be a diff story if parents aren’t doing all of these routines but having a normal WOH or ability to flex hours to go 8-5 and log in after bedtime goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

Anyone can do a good job caring for your infant. And the kid will turn out fine. No one will love and care for them the way a parent would. I chose to sah because I wanted to ensure loving care around the clock. I also am a control freak and I Mom hard af.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can do a good job caring for your infant. And the kid will turn out fine. No one will love and care for them the way a parent would. I chose to sah because I wanted to ensure loving care around the clock. I also am a control freak and I Mom hard af.

What does momming hard involve? Want to see if I am up for it. I am a bit of a control freak myself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can do a good job caring for your infant. And the kid will turn out fine. No one will love and care for them the way a parent would. I chose to sah because I wanted to ensure loving care around the clock. I also am a control freak and I Mom hard af.

What does momming hard involve? Want to see if I am up for it. I am a bit of a control freak myself

I don't recommend it, honestly. Think Mary Poppins meets Pinterest on steroids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the tipping point for me was that a child develops a primary attachment, and if a nanny was going to be with my child for 7-8 of their waking hours and I would get 2-4 of those waking hours, the baby would be more attached to the nanny. Then, when the inevitable time comes to let your nanny go, your child has lost a huge part of their family. That's traumatic if you have a good nanny, and if you don't then that's traumatic in its own way. Sure, they may not remember consciously, but their body does.

Also, I guess part of it was having a balanced and relaxed life. I don't understand the point of doing anything if you're not enjoying yourself. With one parent home (would've just as easily been DH but he made 1.5x my salary) your life is just so very relaxed and low stress. That's the point! Have fun!

So not true regarding nannies. I was raised with a wonderful nanny who stayed in my life after she stopped working for my parents and my brother and I spoke at her funeral. My primary attachment was still with my parents.

My kids also have a brilliant, loving nanny who sees her former charges so I know she’ll see my kids once she moves on unemployment. And my kids are very bonded with DH and me. There is no confusion at all.

I think the key here is that you (and your kids) were able to maintain a relationship with your respective nannies, so that eased the trauma of separation. That’s not always possible (nanny moves away, nanny might not be as interested in keeping in touch etc) and that might be when attachment issues follow.

+1 Adding: parents who don’t allow the child to ever see the nanny again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone can do a good job caring for your infant. And the kid will turn out fine. No one will love and care for them the way a parent would. I chose to sah because I wanted to ensure loving care around the clock. I also am a control freak and I Mom hard af.

What does momming hard involve? Want to see if I am up for it. I am a bit of a control freak myself

I don't recommend it, honestly. Think Mary Poppins meets Pinterest on steroids.

DP. Why would you aspire to this? It seems guaranteed to lead to unhappiness? Am I missing something?

[Anonymous]

There's not a single answer on this. It's just the set of pros and cons you want to choose.

[Anonymous]

Stay home all the way. Your baby is only your baby once, for a few years, which is maybe 3% of a lifetime. It is not worth the extra few years of income to drop off your infant with someone else, unless 1. you can’t afford otherwise or 2. you are curing cancer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. I will say it was deeply satisfying for ME. But my kids are tweens now and there is no difference between them and those whose mothers who worked. The kids who had SAHM are no more confident or secure or happy. In fact, kids who had working moms are Probably more independent!

I think the idea that kids suffer if their mothers work is utter hogwash. I hated leaving my baby and that’s the only reason I stayed home. (Very personal choice!)

Another SAHM here. I share this view. A loving and experienced daycare provider beats a frazzled and imploding mother any day of the week. Your feeling about continuing to work is the most important thing. Kids, even babies adjust. Please have faith in your ability to make the right decision.

Another SHAM here and I agree with this. I love being a stay at home mom but I am not so egotistical to think that I’m making some kind of defining difference in their lives v. working outside the home.