PP with the mom who wants all the stuff out, I can relate. I posted. Few years ago about it in fact and people told me I was the one who needed to grow up and get my stuff out. I was living with two roommates in a NYC apartment when they retired to...a house twice the size I grew up in. It was impossible for me to take anything at the time. I then moved to a slightly larger apartment when I married my DH and again they tried to insist it was on me to take everything they had boxed up. Eventually I moved to a house in the suburbs and while pregnant with my second child they arranged for a moving van to deliver everything to my house. (Payment due on delivery) my choices were to accept it and pay, or have it all thrown out. It smarted at the time, but ultimately I’m glad they can’t hold it over my head anymore. Any visit (a plane ride away) was filled with them asking what I was going to take back with me. (In ya know, my one suitcase per person while traveling with a toddler.) This was already 5years ago. They haven’t moved, they haven’t remodeled, but hopefully they enjoy that empty corner of their unfinished basement. Good luck!
Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm the one who posted in the other thread, so I'll play.
I'm 40, and yes, I still have stuff in my mom's house.
3-4 boxes of childhood stuff -- art and schoolwork from elementary school, a couple very sentimental toys, some awards and paraphernalia from middle school and high school sports and activities. It's the kind of stuff I'd never display but I don't feel like I can get rid of.
The reason it's still at my mom's is because (1) we live in a tiny apartment and have very little storage -- I planned to get the boxes and store them a few years ago, but then we had a kid and our space disappeared. Also (2) my mom has a big house.
My mom hates that the boxes are there and it's become a point of contention. I'm going to have to figure something out soon because she has threatened to toss them. I think I'm getting a reprieve due to Covid, but as soon as it's over and people can travel again, I know she will start hounding me again. Truthfully, part of my reluctance is that my feelings are so hurt by how insistent she is that she doesn't want them. She has always been like this. She repainted my childhood bedroom and moved in office furniture the day after I moved out. Like I went back to pick up a box fan I'd left behind the next day, and the walls were already a different color and there was new furniture in there. I don't even know what happened to my bedroom furniture -- she probably took it to the dump.
Already posted on the other thread that your mom is torturing you. Boo on her. No, I don't have anything at my own mom's house -- we are estranged. : )
I am PP and I just wanted to say: thank you for saying this, on this thread and the other. I wish I could be like others and say "Oh I don't care if she throws it away, I'm not sentimental." But it's not about sentiment. Her resentment over these boxes feels extremely personal to me, like she is trying to purge any evidence of me from her life. I can't believe how much it hurts me even in my 40s. Maybe especially in my 40s. I love my daughter so much. I can't imagine throwing away her things. The thought of her moving away makes me so sad. It is so hard for me to understand why my mother is like this.
If you are 40, then your mom is at least 60 and maybe over 70. It is completely reasonable for her to expect you to take your things and keep them at your own house.
This makes no sense. Why would a 60 or 70 year old be more capable of letting boxes sit in her attic than someone younger? If anything, I would think it makes more sense to leave items in your parents' home the older they are, because when they die, you are the one who will have to go through the house and take care of it. Why move out a handful of boxes now?
It would make more sense if the parents were moving or trying to renovate or do something with the house and the boxes were in the way. But that's much more likely to be the case with a younger person as well -- people in their 50s renovate their houses all the time. People in their 70s, not so much.
Because her mother wants her to move them out now. Maybe her mother wants the space back, maybe she is decluttering, maybe she is planning to move. Whatever the reasons, the house where PP has these things stored belongs to her mother, not to PP.
Why can't PP store her own things at her own house?
PP here. Because, as I said above, I live in a tiny apartment with my husband and child and barely have space to store a blender. Whereas my mother lives in a three bedroom house with a basement and an attic all by herself. She is not decluttering. If she is planning to move, she has said nothing to me about it.
I'm going to move the boxes, because as you said, she asked. But it hurts my feelings that she is making me do it and is making me feel like she wishes I never existed.
Your choice to live in a tiny apartment does not translate to her obligation to be a storage unit for you. Speaking of which, you could rent a storage unit, if this stuff is important to you.
It sounds like you might benefit from therapy.
Yes, I am sure you are primarily concerned about PP’s mental health.
Btw, lots of people live in small homes out of necessity, not choice. And does family have no obligation to each other at all? It sounds like PP’s mom is driving a terrible wedge that she might regret when she needs help from PP in the future. What is holding a few boxes in your attic when compared to providing elder and end of life care? Or can PP just say “Figure it out, Mom. It’s not my problem,” when the time comes?
I didn't say I am concerned about PP's mental health; I said that it sounds like PP might benefit from therapy. She seems angry and hurt by her mother's choices, and it would probably be helpful for her to explore that with a professional.
Yes, lots of people live in small houses or apartments out of necessity. Many of those people rent storage units for things they value highly.
PP's mom doesn't want her 40 year old daughter to store her childhood things at her house any longer. I don't know enough about the mother's behavior to know whether this constitutes "driving a terrible wedge" (and neither do you), and I don't know whether PP plans to provide elder and end of life care when the need arises, or whether the mom will request that of her (and neither do you).
In the meantime, it is totally reasonable for anyone, of any age, not to want their house to be used as a storage facility.
Well, based on PP's own statement, she is extremely hurt by her mother's behavior and it is making her feel unloved and unwanted. Yes, I choose to characterize that as a "wedge".
And its not like PP is storing her old mattress or some books she doesn't have room for. She's talking about some childhood mementos. I do find it strange that PP's mom has zero interest in these items and is threatening to throw them away. If it was non-sentimental items, I would get it. But these are just memories. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your parent to hold onto those things for you, if they have space.
If the issue is that PP's mom wants to remodel or move, then she should communicate that clearly so that PP understands that the issue is logistical. As it stands, it sounds like her mom is handling this in the most hurtful possible way, and it's reasonable that PP would be hurt. Her mom is being a jerk.
We don't know how much stuff is involved, and in any case, the mom does not need to justify why she wants her own space back.
"3-4 boxes of childhood stuff -- art and schoolwork from elementary school, a couple very sentimental toys, some awards and paraphernalia from middle school and high school sports and activities."
I mean, I'm sure I could find some stuff of mine in random closets and drawers. But I do not have anything I am formally 'storing' there that I have an expectation of using again. My brothers have way more stuff. My mom does not care.
Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm the one who posted in the other thread, so I'll play.
I'm 40, and yes, I still have stuff in my mom's house.
3-4 boxes of childhood stuff -- art and schoolwork from elementary school, a couple very sentimental toys, some awards and paraphernalia from middle school and high school sports and activities. It's the kind of stuff I'd never display but I don't feel like I can get rid of.
The reason it's still at my mom's is because (1) we live in a tiny apartment and have very little storage -- I planned to get the boxes and store them a few years ago, but then we had a kid and our space disappeared. Also (2) my mom has a big house.
My mom hates that the boxes are there and it's become a point of contention. I'm going to have to figure something out soon because she has threatened to toss them. I think I'm getting a reprieve due to Covid, but as soon as it's over and people can travel again, I know she will start hounding me again. Truthfully, part of my reluctance is that my feelings are so hurt by how insistent she is that she doesn't want them. She has always been like this. She repainted my childhood bedroom and moved in office furniture the day after I moved out. Like I went back to pick up a box fan I'd left behind the next day, and the walls were already a different color and there was new furniture in there. I don't even know what happened to my bedroom furniture -- she probably took it to the dump.
Already posted on the other thread that your mom is torturing you. Boo on her. No, I don't have anything at my own mom's house -- we are estranged. : )
I am PP and I just wanted to say: thank you for saying this, on this thread and the other. I wish I could be like others and say "Oh I don't care if she throws it away, I'm not sentimental." But it's not about sentiment. Her resentment over these boxes feels extremely personal to me, like she is trying to purge any evidence of me from her life. I can't believe how much it hurts me even in my 40s. Maybe especially in my 40s. I love my daughter so much. I can't imagine throwing away her things. The thought of her moving away makes me so sad. It is so hard for me to understand why my mother is like this.
If you are 40, then your mom is at least 60 and maybe over 70. It is completely reasonable for her to expect you to take your things and keep them at your own house.
This makes no sense. Why would a 60 or 70 year old be more capable of letting boxes sit in her attic than someone younger? If anything, I would think it makes more sense to leave items in your parents' home the older they are, because when they die, you are the one who will have to go through the house and take care of it. Why move out a handful of boxes now?
It would make more sense if the parents were moving or trying to renovate or do something with the house and the boxes were in the way. But that's much more likely to be the case with a younger person as well -- people in their 50s renovate their houses all the time. People in their 70s, not so much.
Because her mother wants her to move them out now. Maybe her mother wants the space back, maybe she is decluttering, maybe she is planning to move. Whatever the reasons, the house where PP has these things stored belongs to her mother, not to PP.
Why can't PP store her own things at her own house?
PP here. Because, as I said above, I live in a tiny apartment with my husband and child and barely have space to store a blender. Whereas my mother lives in a three bedroom house with a basement and an attic all by herself. She is not decluttering. If she is planning to move, she has said nothing to me about it.
I'm going to move the boxes, because as you said, she asked. But it hurts my feelings that she is making me do it and is making me feel like she wishes I never existed.
Your choice to live in a tiny apartment does not translate to her obligation to be a storage unit for you. Speaking of which, you could rent a storage unit, if this stuff is important to you.
It sounds like you might benefit from therapy.
Yes, I am sure you are primarily concerned about PP’s mental health.
Btw, lots of people live in small homes out of necessity, not choice. And does family have no obligation to each other at all? It sounds like PP’s mom is driving a terrible wedge that she might regret when she needs help from PP in the future. What is holding a few boxes in your attic when compared to providing elder and end of life care? Or can PP just say “Figure it out, Mom. It’s not my problem,” when the time comes?
I didn't say I am concerned about PP's mental health; I said that it sounds like PP might benefit from therapy. She seems angry and hurt by her mother's choices, and it would probably be helpful for her to explore that with a professional.
Yes, lots of people live in small houses or apartments out of necessity. Many of those people rent storage units for things they value highly.
PP's mom doesn't want her 40 year old daughter to store her childhood things at her house any longer. I don't know enough about the mother's behavior to know whether this constitutes "driving a terrible wedge" (and neither do you), and I don't know whether PP plans to provide elder and end of life care when the need arises, or whether the mom will request that of her (and neither do you).
In the meantime, it is totally reasonable for anyone, of any age, not to want their house to be used as a storage facility.
Well, based on PP's own statement, she is extremely hurt by her mother's behavior and it is making her feel unloved and unwanted. Yes, I choose to characterize that as a "wedge".
And its not like PP is storing her old mattress or some books she doesn't have room for. She's talking about some childhood mementos. I do find it strange that PP's mom has zero interest in these items and is threatening to throw them away. If it was non-sentimental items, I would get it. But these are just memories. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your parent to hold onto those things for you, if they have space.
If the issue is that PP's mom wants to remodel or move, then she should communicate that clearly so that PP understands that the issue is logistical. As it stands, it sounds like her mom is handling this in the most hurtful possible way, and it's reasonable that PP would be hurt. Her mom is being a jerk.
We don't know how much stuff is involved, and in any case, the mom does not need to justify why she wants her own space back.
"3-4 boxes of childhood stuff -- art and schoolwork from elementary school, a couple very sentimental toys, some awards and paraphernalia from middle school and high school sports and activities."
Reading! What a concept.
Boxes could mean shoeboxes, or large moving boxes.
The mom does not need to justify why she wants her own space back from her 40 year old daughter. Her.own.space.
My mom moved across the country when I was 20, in college and living in a dorm, so I still had quite a few childhood items in my bedroom. She moved all of it. Once she moved, I always went "home" via airplane so it was difficult to bring much stuff back to my home. I took what I wanted and left most of it in "my new bedroom." When I was about 25, she remodeled the house and eliminated the bedroom I would stay in and all of my stuff went into a box. Fast forward 25 years, and my mom passed. When my brother and I cleaned out the house, I found the box, full of my stuff. It was fun looking through the box, but almost everything went into the trash. There was a reason why I never paid for it to be moved across the country.
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
