My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the advice everyone. To answer a few questions we don't live together but we are looking for a house. We ( mostly me/ haven't found anything. He says that he wants children and asked if we could start trying earlier this year. I put it off. I really want children but I want to be married first. I'm not religious but it's important to me.

I'm going to sit down with him this week to talk.

Oh my God. Do not buy a house with him until you are engaged with a rock on your finger and a wedding date set. Do not have kids with him until you are married. Stop looking for a house. You are putting the cart before the horse

You are insane.

You want her to marry a guy that she doesn’t trust to buy a house with.

“Rock” you sound horrible

Don’t listen to this insane old bitty.

Dp here. I don’t understand why anyone would buy a house with someone without being married first. You don’t have to have an extravagant wedding, maybe just city hall but the order is all out of whack if you buy the house before engagement.

If you are in a loving committed relationship the ring does not make it more loving and committed. Either you trust the person you are marrying or you don't.

Why city hall, if you have the money for a house now... buy it and have the wedding next year, if you want.

It's a waste of money to rent.

Your ridiculous rules make no sense.

NP here. Well, he has time to look for a house but doesn’t have time to walk to the nearest jeweler and propose to appease OP. It says something that he got mad about the joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a huge red flag that he wants a house and kids without marrying you. It would be a very poor choice to do either if he is unwilling to make a public, legal commitment to you.

He is building a business and does not want it to be marital property.

[Anonymous]

He knows you want to get married. He is not ready. He knows you want to be married before having kids, yet suggests having kids first. He knows you want him to propose and that the delay upsets you. He is NOT traditional if he wants to buy a house with you and start a family, before he proposes. He stalled with wanting to get the business of the ground, he is still stalling now - why?

I would hold off saying anything about marriage at all until March. That gives him the typical Christmas holidays/New Years/ Valentine's Day to propose if he is planning to. If he has no proposed by March, I would walk away. Do not but a house in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Do not buy a house or have kids in any relationship with so many red flags

[Anonymous]

Don't propose. Tell him that you want marriage and kids and if he's not ready to move in that direction, then agree to step back from the relationship and start dating other people. If he's not on board with that, break up. You need to be with someone who can be decisive, take your desires into consideration, and be a grown ass man.

[Anonymous]

Op, I dated DH 5 years before we got married. I was almost 35 when we got engaged, with a very quick wedding after.

If he wants to have a kid with you, that’s the commitment. Once you have a child together, you are always in each others lives, married or not.

DH and I started talking about getting married a year after getting together. We moved in together. I wanted kids and kept waiting for him to propose, and when I turned 34, I basically told DH you have a couple months to start trying to have a baby with me and get married or I am leaving. He finally understood that I was serious, and we stopped using birth control and he bought a ring and planned an engagement weekend away.

Almost 10 years later and DH says his biggest regret is dragging his feet to get married. Honestly, he’s drags his feet making major decisions, but once he makes them he is fully committed and doesn’t look back.

Op, don’t propose, have a conversation about the timeline, including being firm about what you think is a good timeline. I was going to walk if DH hadn’t finally committed - I was already apartment hunting and thinking about getting myself back into the dating scene, as I knew I wanted kids and At 34 I was not getting any younger. So don’t make an ultimatum unless you will follow through.

[Anonymous]

What are you doing Friday? Maybe we can get married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a huge red flag that he wants a house and kids without marrying you. It would be a very poor choice to do either if he is unwilling to make a public, legal commitment to you.

He is building a business and does not want it to be marital property.

That's bullsh*t. Business owner here, myself and all of my friends have prenuptial agreements. That's what a prenuptial agreement is to protect - property and businesses.

OP, ask him. Just be prepared to walk when he says no.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone saying don’t propose, don’t buy a house and *really* don’t have kids. It’s ok to have standards and wanting to be married before having children is a completely reasonable standard to have. Also, I understand wanting to be completely settled in ones career before marriage but, at some point, this can become just an excuse to avoid marriage. You both are to old for this nonsense. I hope your conversation goes well and that you are crystal clear about what you need from this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you want to have kids? You don’t have a lot of time.

I would have a serious talk about this. Say you are ok eloping. It does sound a bit desperate. Sorry.

He should know your biological clock is ticking and he is a dick if he strung you along all this time.

Look up the stats on infertility and genetic problems with aging mothers. As one who had my last in my late thirties and sat through genetic counseling I can tell you it is nothing to fool with.

[Anonymous]

At this point there will be long lasting resentment due to him feeling pushed into this.

[Anonymous]

There is no reason you guys shouldn’t be living together by now. Why hasn’t that happened?

[Anonymous]

NP. There are red flags everywhere with this.

Walk away.

[Anonymous]

My cousin’s wife proposed - turns out he planned to propose on the same hike! Even had a ring.

My husband didn’t believe in marriage - was willing to commit but didn’t feel marriage was needed. I told him I needed marriage before home / kids and that I wasn’t willing to wait past a certain date. He dragged his feet but proposed about 6 weeks before the date. He says all the time he wishes he hasn’t been scared and doesn’t know why he dragged his feet (13 years ago).

[Anonymous]

Just say that being an unmarried mother is unacceptable to you, and ask him to agree that if you get pregnant, then you’ll get married. Doing the other stuff unmarried is no big deal — my brother is in a totally committed 25-year relationship but no kids and unmarried — getting married would not really accomplish anything in his relationship.