My friends are telling me (f) not to propose to my boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Do you want to have kids? You don’t have a lot of time.

I would have a serious talk about this. Say you are ok eloping. It does sound a bit desperate. Sorry.

He should know your biological clock is ticking and he is a dick if he strung you along all this time.

[Anonymous]

I would be firmly in the don't propose camp, except I wonder if he just can't make a commitment. But clearly he is committed. I still don't think you should propose, guys can be weird about it, but maybe bring up the subject as mentioned upstream. "This summer you talked about getting married. I love how things are going, and I would love to be married to you." Make it feel like he is the one who proposed and you are now ready.

Yes, I get that it's not direct. But there are times in life where you have to work with a person's personality to help them get to where they can't get by themselves.

[Anonymous]

Be careful op. I had a friend in the same exact situation, the guy eventually dumped her unexpectedly and quickly got engaged to a younger woman (les Ethan a year later). My friend was devastated.

[Anonymous]

At your age, I would push it a little more. 4 years is a long time. I would talk to him about where you are and propose pre-marital counseling. If he's not willing to make steps towards marriage, that's your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At your age, I would push it a little more. 4 years is a long time. I would talk to him about where you are and propose pre-marital counseling. If he's not willing to make steps towards marriage, that's your answer.

If she wants kids, she can't wait. He had four years to propose. Dump him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be firmly in the don't propose camp, except I wonder if he just can't make a commitment. But clearly he is committed. I still don't think you should propose, guys can be weird about it, but maybe bring up the subject as mentioned upstream. "This summer you talked about getting married. I love how things are going, and I would love to be married to you." Make it feel like he is the one who proposed and you are now ready.

Yes, I get that it's not direct. But there are times in life where you have to work with a person's personality to help them get to where they can't get by themselves.

No, he's clearly committed to being a perpetual boyfriend, not a fiancé or a husband.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound good op. This happened to my husband's sister. She kept waiting and waiting. They did finally get married after 10 yrs at 43, too old for the kids she had desired.

[Anonymous]

Do you live together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone btdt?
One of my closest friends thinks because he is traditional he will feel emasculated. Another friend says it's a terrible idea. I have only told the two of them and it didn't go well.

Are you desperate?

[Anonymous]

Do not propose. I was in a similar relationship but early 30s. I ended up breaking things off because I felt I had no time. I loved him and think he loved me but I knew I wanted kids. I sorta get that he wanted to be good provider but I just didnt feel right. I broke up with him and moved on. I met my husband about 5 months later and am very happy.

I couldn't deal with promises and being led on. My ex would also introduce me to people as his fiance although we weren't engaged. He started the discussion about kids and being married but never followed through. He was surprised when I broke up with him. I just said I wanted a marriage and kids. He said he planned to do that with me. He is still single. I take him still being single as meaning I made the right decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not propose. I was in a similar relationship but early 30s. I ended up breaking things off because I felt I had no time. I loved him and think he loved me but I knew I wanted kids. I sorta get that he wanted to be good provider but I just didnt feel right. I broke up with him and moved on. I met my husband about 5 months later and am very happy.

I couldn't deal with promises and being led on. My ex would also introduce me to people as his fiance although we weren't engaged. He started the discussion about kids and being married but never followed through. He was surprised when I broke up with him. I just said I wanted a marriage and kids. He said he planned to do that with me. He is still single. I take him still being single as meaning I made the right decision

Or he let "the one" get away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't remember what I said. I did once joke about our marriage in 10 yrs to some friends and he was visibly mad. Excused himself from the table mad. He's said something as recently as this summer.

He was mad at you?

Mad at my comment. We talked about it later he said it upsets him when I say things like that. He says he loves me and we will get married and then he went on complaining about how swamped he is at work. For the last 2 years he has been pulling 80+ hour weeks.

So tell him that while he is pulling those 80 hour weeks and not marrying you you will be dating other people. If he wants to date you, you are available at the moment, but you are not cutting off options any longer. Why are you sitting around not dating other people while this workaholic commitment phobe is of working and not proposing to you

Until there is a ring, anything else is just talk. I’ve heard of guys talking about what they might name their kids with you and still don’t actually want to marry. Also realized that it cost him nothing, he risks nothing and he sacrifices nothing with the status quo. If you are living together he may have less of a reason to be in a hurry because he has companionship and your constant availability without feeling guilty/responsible for constantly working. I’m not going to say “why buy the milk”...I am just saying in his own mind there is a difference between dating and married otherwise there wouldn’t be this barrier of it’s okay to date and maybe even live together while my business is getting off the ground but oh no, I can’t be married before I’ve got it together. Either you aren’t really the right person or he is just really comfortable not being married and taking on whatever would be the difference in his mind. I don’t see how proposing to him would be helpful if he either doesn’t want to get married to you or isn’t ready.

Maybe a more direct conversation about how he sees marriage, how he sees dating and the difference. Is it more the provider than the partner 50/50 marriage model and does he see this is as a shift from dating? There was the recent DCUM post of from a guy (or a really good troll) that wanted a wife that would be SAHM, sign a prenup, and he would be involved when the kids were 8 after he made enough money to retire and wanted to know where he could find a woman that would want the same. You need to make sure you are aligned in your vision of married life. Once you know you are, then ask what’s the difference between dating and married to him and you explain how you see it. At some point it’s not about giving anyone an ultimatum it’s about having the same picture and timeline of the future. As someone said on another thread it has to be the right person, the right time and the right circumstances to work. Give yourself an internal deadline of when you need to work through if your situation really has all three.

[Anonymous]

If he wanted he would. This situation is classic, and I don’t know any couple who got engaged after the GF pushed for marriage. I know some who ended up breaking up (gf did) then got back together with the agreement that they would get married.

If I were you, I would have one last conversation with him and if he doesn’t propose by the end of the year, then you start 2021 as a single woman.

If he’s not eager to put a ring on it then you know he’s not the right one for. And frankly you shouldn’t have to remind him about your talk, does anyone remind him to do things related to his business?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't propose, but would sit down and have a serious conversation with him about the future. I would tell him that I want kids (assuming that is the case), and remind him of the window for that closing really soon if you are 35 (guys can be surprisingly clueless about these things). Then set an expectation for a decision/proposal, say a few months from now. Make it clear that if you guys are not engaged, with a firm wedding date by that time, you will be moving on.

Some guys just need a little extra push to finally get moving. My fantastic DH of 22 years is similar - not on the proposal front, he proposed 6 months after we met - but he seems to take forever pulling the trigger on many, much easier and routine decisions.

[Anonymous]

Listen to them

Don't steal a moment he's been waiting for

I would be very disappointed if a girlfriend did this..