Does this boy sound suspicious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_James_Bulger

I wish I had never heard about this case. So haunting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, and this happened several months ago but I still think about it and wonder if it it was something innocent or something more sinister. DH was with me and we both stepped in when they started walking away, and I asked him for a double check on my spidey sense, and he completely agreed with me, there was something off about the older boy. And DH isn’t normally the overprotective type.

I followed and watched for a while. The weird thing was, as soon as they followed him to a new section, he’d try to lure them away again to another area. And the thing he wanted to show them was just a fountain. The third time he got them to follow him, they actually went out of a cave/room area and were about to be completely out of sight.

And by his demeanor, I meant the way he acted, not his skin color. He was white, not that it matters. He didn’t seem like he was on the spectrum or had any social impairment that I could see, but it did occur to me as a possibility. I go out with my kids to playgrounds, parks, museums, etc all the time, and I never had a complete stranger who was significantly older try to befriend my younger kids. Same age range, yes. Neighborhood kids that we know, yes. But not complete strangers.

My 4yo is confused however, about who is safe to talk to and who is not. In the past I told him it’s fine to play and talk to other kids and always ok when I am there. Of course I don’t want my kids to be afraid to talk to other children. Or to think that all strangers are dangerous. But I also want to do what I can within reason to keep my kids safe. But how? What’s the age when it becomes stranger danger?

See, you have every right to not let your kids go off with an unknown older kid, but I really don’t understand why you handled it the way you did. If I didn’t want my kids interacting with the older kid, I’d have just stepped in and said “kids, time to check out the next room” or something so my kids can make a normal exit with no drama. Why followed them around and watch and let it go on, and then make an abrupt, aggressive exit? If the older kid is just a socially awkward kid that looks older, then you were a stranger adult following THAT kid around.

[Anonymous]

OP you still don't explain when you felt it was necessary to tell so loud that your kid started crying...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you still don't explain when you felt it was necessary to tell so loud that your kid started crying...

He didn’t start crying because I was yelling. I didn’t yell- well, only initially his name, to get his attention because he didn’t hear me in the crowd the first time I called out. He was crying because he was confused/surprised and I think scared that older kid might have been “bad”. He saw how serious DH and I were. It was the whole scenario. He was cautious at first and looked to me to check if it was ok. And the first two times I gave him the go ahead and followed. I was honestly curious.

Believe me I felt bad when he started crying. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was just being a kid.

[Anonymous]

oh, so you weren't getting the replies you like so you came back and embellished the story...Classic DCUM move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the problem with the "trust your instinct! trust your gut!" approach is that some people like OP seem to have an altered/paranoid view of reality/normal social interactions with other children.

+1

I think this every time we get one of these threads.

[Anonymous]

I really want to push back on OP's narrative of a "much older stranger."

It was another child! A boy probably only a year or two older than her own son! Here's the thing, from experience. The functional difference between a 7 year old and a 9 year old boy is NIL in terms of maturity. None.

So, what should OP have done? Why not "Hey, I'd love to see it too, can I come?"

Also, a fountain is cool. So is a cave.

[Anonymous]

I have 8 and 10yo kids and they think worms and bugs are really cool. I would not think the kids are suspicious. You were right there. I may have asked what the really cool thing was and gone with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh, so you weren't getting the replies you like so you came back and embellished the story...Classic DCUM move.

Haha exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:oh, so you weren't getting the replies you like so you came back and embellished the story...Classic DCUM move.

Haha exactly.

Extra points for her DH completely agreeing with her

[Anonymous]

Pp’s, you guys are ridiculous- I didn’t add any “embellishments”. I was explaining that he did in fact have something to show them, it wasn’t some big mystery or lie, but he was also persistent in trying to get them further and further away, and the whole time, his parent was nowhere in sight.

I’m not trying to say I handled it right, I’m trying to ask how I should have handled the situation. And I’m aware it could have all been innocent, but it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time. I’m also asking how I should frame this type of thing to my kids in the future so that I’m not freaking them out and making them anxious but keeping them safe.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you, OP. I would have been suspicious that this was an older child being used by perhaps an adult to lure younger children away for nefarious purposes. I mean, the likelihood is that isn't the case, but I wouldn't take any chances. I have a 4yo DD, and there's absolutely no way I'm letting her out of my sight in similar circumstances.

I say trust your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you still don't explain when you felt it was necessary to tell so loud that your kid started crying...

He didn’t start crying because I was yelling. I didn’t yell- well, only initially his name, to get his attention because he didn’t hear me in the crowd the first time I called out. He was crying because he was confused/surprised and I think scared that older kid might have been “bad”. He saw how serious DH and I were. It was the whole scenario. He was cautious at first and looked to me to check if it was ok. And the first two times I gave him the go ahead and followed. I was honestly curious.

Believe me I felt bad when he started crying. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was just being a kid.

Your kid did *EXACTLY* what he should have done - he looked at you and you gave him the go ahead! No wonder he's confused. He asked you - not once, but twice - if it was OK to go with the bigger kid and you said yes. Then all of a sudden, for no perceptible reason, you changed your mind. And the person who you already told him twice was safe, is all of a sudden "bad" and both his parents were oh-so-serious.

"You can't leave my sight in public." and "Always ask before you go somewhere with someone" are both lovely and important rules for little kids. YOUR job is to actually implement those consistently, not telly our kid it's OK to do something and then decide your gut changed its mind.

As for the actual situation, my son is 10. I can very easily see him finding a cool bug/fountain/cave and being excited and telling the nearest 7 year old about it. 10/11 is a really transition age where some kids are still "little kids" and some are full-up "pre-teens".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp’s, you guys are ridiculous- I didn’t add any “embellishments”. I was explaining that he did in fact have something to show them, it wasn’t some big mystery or lie, but he was also persistent in trying to get them further and further away, and the whole time, his parent was nowhere in sight.

I’m not trying to say I handled it right, I’m trying to ask how I should have handled the situation. And I’m aware it could have all been innocent, but it certainly didn’t feel that way at the time. I’m also asking how I should frame this type of thing to my kids in the future so that I’m not freaking them out and making them anxious but keeping them safe.

If the child was in fact 10 or 11, this is normal and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you still don't explain when you felt it was necessary to tell so loud that your kid started crying...

He didn’t start crying because I was yelling. I didn’t yell- well, only initially his name, to get his attention because he didn’t hear me in the crowd the first time I called out. He was crying because he was confused/surprised and I think scared that older kid might have been “bad”. He saw how serious DH and I were. It was the whole scenario. He was cautious at first and looked to me to check if it was ok. And the first two times I gave him the go ahead and followed. I was honestly curious.

Believe me I felt bad when he started crying. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was just being a kid.

Your kid did *EXACTLY* what he should have done - he looked at you and you gave him the go ahead! No wonder he's confused. He asked you - not once, but twice - if it was OK to go with the bigger kid and you said yes. Then all of a sudden, for no perceptible reason, you changed your mind. And the person who you already told him twice was safe, is all of a sudden "bad" and both his parents were oh-so-serious.

"You can't leave my sight in public." and "Always ask before you go somewhere with someone" are both lovely and important rules for little kids. YOUR job is to actually implement those consistently, not telly our kid it's OK to do something and then decide your gut changed its mind.

As for the actual situation, my son is 10. I can very easily see him finding a cool bug/fountain/cave and being excited and telling the nearest 7 year old about it. 10/11 is a really transition age where some kids are still "little kids" and some are full-up "pre-teens".

Um, yes, that’s what I explained. I know I gave him mixed signals. And I know it was confusing for him. What I’m asking is, how would you have handled it better??
-op