Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).

No. If we had kids the kids would have to attend with other family members as it's not appropriate for exes to show up at those events. Unless the new spouse invites them. Or he was single and the family lets the spouse know they are welcome. Otherwise, that's about it.

My husband's ex and kids are horrible to him. I wouldn't tell them. They'd only know when her retirement check from him stops and she'll be up a creek as its her only income.

What the heck? Why does his ex get his retirement check? Usually they divide that at the time of the divorce. Called a QDRO I believe. Now you're his beneficiary so it would go to you once he died.

There are many estranged families because of divorce. You're under no obligation to notify a ex. I wouldn't.

They were married 9 years and he was in the military. Its gross as they were divorced before they were 30. She got 30 or 40% of his military retirement based off of the 20 years, not even the 9 they were married. He got screwed big time. When he dies, her money stops. I will only get it because he took out the annuity for me. If he didn't take out the annuity I wouldn't get it (and our kids).

(I'd rather him be alive and her get the money given the choice but I could careless if she died and wouldn't help at all with funeral, which wouldn't surprise me if they expected us to pay).

For her funeral? Have you and DH ever consider moving out of state and leave them all behind? My sibling and their spouse moved to a different state to get away from toxic family members.

[Anonymous]

If we parted on reasonable terms and my presence at the funeral would be supportive to my kids, I would go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).

No. If we had kids the kids would have to attend with other family members as it's not appropriate for exes to show up at those events. Unless the new spouse invites them. Or he was single and the family lets the spouse know they are welcome. Otherwise, that's about it.

My husband's ex and kids are horrible to him. I wouldn't tell them. They'd only know when her retirement check from him stops and she'll be up a creek as its her only income.

What the heck? Why does his ex get his retirement check? Usually they divide that at the time of the divorce. Called a QDRO I believe. Now you're his beneficiary so it would go to you once he died.

There are many estranged families because of divorce. You're under no obligation to notify a ex. I wouldn't.

They were married 9 years and he was in the military. Its gross as they were divorced before they were 30. She got 30 or 40% of his military retirement based off of the 20 years, not even the 9 they were married. He got screwed big time. When he dies, her money stops. I will only get it because he took out the annuity for me. If he didn't take out the annuity I wouldn't get it (and our kids).

(I'd rather him be alive and her get the money given the choice but I could careless if she died and wouldn't help at all with funeral, which wouldn't surprise me if they expected us to pay).

For her funeral? Have you and DH ever consider moving out of state and leave them all behind? My sibling and their spouse moved to a different state to get away from toxic family members.

They aren't an issue for us anymore. Child support is long over. They just contact us a few times a year for weird random reasons. Mom moved cross country with the kids to be with her boyfriend and they are still there. I would suspect they would expect us to pay for the funeral. She's been with her boyfriend longer than she and my husband (well, she was with him while married to my husband too).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husbands ex would be only because she gets a life long portion of his military retirement and it is her only income. She loses it upon his death. He could not care less and hopes never to see or talk to her again.

To be eligible for a portion of his military retirement pay, they would have had to have been married for a minimum of 20 years, of which 20 years had to coincide with his military service. That's a long marriage- and if there are kids, deployments and frequent moves make life much more complicated than it is for the average civilian family that stays in one place. In addition, it has historically been difficult for spouses to grow and maintain careers with the frequent required moves, especially during the years when this marriage must have occurred.

Did you marry your husband after he retired from active duty service? If so, you really haven't experienced what it's like to be a young military spouse all alone with kids for long periods of time with no way to set up a decent career for yourself. It can't hurt to have kinder thoughts toward your husband's ex, who put up with the tough early years of his career.

(Also, I'm very surprised that their divorce agreement did not require him to set up his retirement pay so that she would continue to get a portion after his death, or be a beneficiary of life insurance.)

Not true, its 10 years to be eligible in some states (at least when they were married). She dragged out the divorce to get to the 10 year mark. He was gone for one year but came home every few months. During that year she took up with his best friend and both couples divorced their spouses to be together. She didn't have long deployments, frequent moves and all the stuff you are thinking.

I was with my husband for several years before retirement and we were separated for two years. I was separated from him longer than she was so no empathy. She did nothing for his career and refused to work so he often worked two jobs just to have enough money. So, if she wants to complain about him working two jobs, they easily could have used base day care and she could have worked. (and if that happened he could have gotten his education and much more).

She treated him horribly. She cheated on him, took the kids and made it very difficult for him to see or talk to the kids. She replaced him with her boyfriend but still expected him to financially support her and the kids. He did until the last one turned 18 and she now still gets his retirement. He's done plenty for her and them. No empathy at all. How many people get life long alimony for being married for 9 years, cheating on your spouse and leaving your spouse for your boyfriend (who cheated on his spouse and treated her horribly).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husbands ex would be only because she gets a life long portion of his military retirement and it is her only income. She loses it upon his death. He could not care less and hopes never to see or talk to her again.

To be eligible for a portion of his military retirement pay, they would have had to have been married for a minimum of 20 years, of which 20 years had to coincide with his military service. That's a long marriage- and if there are kids, deployments and frequent moves make life much more complicated than it is for the average civilian family that stays in one place. In addition, it has historically been difficult for spouses to grow and maintain careers with the frequent required moves, especially during the years when this marriage must have occurred.

Did you marry your husband after he retired from active duty service? If so, you really haven't experienced what it's like to be a young military spouse all alone with kids for long periods of time with no way to set up a decent career for yourself. It can't hurt to have kinder thoughts toward your husband's ex, who put up with the tough early years of his career.

(Also, I'm very surprised that their divorce agreement did not require him to set up his retirement pay so that she would continue to get a portion after his death, or be a beneficiary of life insurance.)

Not true, its 10 years to be eligible in some states (at least when they were married). She dragged out the divorce to get to the 10 year mark. He was gone for one year but came home every few months. During that year she took up with his best friend and both couples divorced their spouses to be together. She didn't have long deployments, frequent moves and all the stuff you are thinking.

I was with my husband for several years before retirement and we were separated for two years. I was separated from him longer than she was so no empathy. She did nothing for his career and refused to work so he often worked two jobs just to have enough money. So, if she wants to complain about him working two jobs, they easily could have used base day care and she could have worked. (and if that happened he could have gotten his education and much more).

She treated him horribly. She cheated on him, took the kids and made it very difficult for him to see or talk to the kids. She replaced him with her boyfriend but still expected him to financially support her and the kids. He did until the last one turned 18 and she now still gets his retirement. He's done plenty for her and them. No empathy at all. How many people get life long alimony for being married for 9 years, cheating on your spouse and leaving your spouse for your boyfriend (who cheated on his spouse and treated her horribly).

Lots of women get that. That's why a man is a fool to get married, and a military man even more so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would cry. To throw them off my trail.

Too funny! Some exes are horrible. At least if you're an ex you're not expected to come to the funeral. Especially if they re-married.

Who knows maybe the current spouse feels the same way! I knew two ladies whose husbands died, they weren't too broken up about it.
They did act sad to "throw them off the trail", but I knew better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).

My spouse has a ex I can't stand. If I attended it would only be to make sure they were really gone for good!

[Anonymous]

My mom wore a dark red suit to my dad's funeral. Red is considered disrespectful to wear to a funeral. They had been divorced over 30 years. They had a very bad relationship but I was mortified when I turned and saw her.

Think about your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom wore a dark red suit to my dad's funeral. Red is considered disrespectful to wear to a funeral. They had been divorced over 30 years. They had a very bad relationship but I was mortified when I turned and saw her.

Think about your kids.

Divorced for 30 years and she had the nerve to show up!

If it was a dark color that would be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).

No, I wouldn't be sad. No, I wouldn't attend the funeral. Yes, I'd help our (adult) children arrange and pay for the funeral if they wanted me to. I have no obligation to him, or his family, only to my children.

[Anonymous]

He’s already dead to me, so no.

His parents, I’d be upset about. Lovely people.

[Anonymous]

I’d be sad, especially for his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s already dead to me, so no.

His parents, I’d be upset about. Lovely people.

wish I’d written this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husbands ex would be only because she gets a life long portion of his military retirement and it is her only income. She loses it upon his death. He could not care less and hopes never to see or talk to her again.

Heh. As far as you know. From the sounds of you, my guess is that he's still schtupping her.

[Anonymous]

I would be sad for my child.

I would take said child to the funeral because he isn’t old enough to go on his own, and ex ILs would be too attention-seeking to watch my young child.

But I would not shed a damn tear for my ex.