DS slamming doors because no screentime on weekdays

[Anonymous]

Have you asked your DS what he thinks would be fair? You can explain your concerns, he can explain his.

There is no right answer here - this is something I think we all struggle with.

[Anonymous]

We let kids have soda only on 'special occasions'. Which leads to interesting discussions about whether a particular day is a 'special occasion'. There are a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, and lots of good perspectives here. I even agree with those who think I am being a control freak about screentime for a 14-year-old. I also agree with those who pointed out that firm expectations and consistency reduce household stress. I even agree with the poster who said girls are easier, at least ours is (she's now in a good college). The door slamming is definitely not allowed and he apologized.

He also has self-regulation issues so I suspect that he needs some kind of limit. He also does not do sports despite our many many efforts to promote that. The prospect of using screentime as a reward for doing the right thing also feels wrong and also exhausting to keep track of. To those who think I'm a bad mother to allow a kid to have so few interests, I agree. I will say this, he's a swell kid in general and a sweetheart. So I'm not despairing.

OP, an earlier post mentioned that balance is needed and indicated that some other activity can provide that balance. I agree. Disappointintly, you say above that he doesn't do sports as if sports were the sole option available to him for an activity that is neither schoolwork nor screen time. Please consider that there are many, many options out there that are not sports! Let him choose something -- but I'd have him choose SOMEthing. He needs to get outside his own head, which from the description is entirely and only about (1) school and (2) getting time on screens.

Someone mentioned, many posts back, possibly finding a good programming class or club (schools do have these sometimes) as a way to channel his screen cravings. But I think you dismisssed that too, saying he was only interested in games. Yet have you even tried presenting him with the idea of learning to program his own, original games with the help of a good instructor and feedback from peers who would be designing and playing along with him?

I think the issue is not just "screen time or no screen time." It's about your son's lack of self-regulation, as you have noted, and his willingness to lie to get what he wants. You worked out a good compromise of no screen time on weeknights since both you and son know he cannot handle it; stick to your rule, and do not cave. But I would still be concerned that his interests seem so narrow. Have you and dad considered that maybe an activity that truly interests him, and requires him to pay attention, turn up and participate, could help with building that self-regulation he lacks? I know, easy for us to say here, but harder for you, since I think your response is going to be, "But there IS nothing else that interests him." That would concern me -- not because screens are evil or games are inherently bad but because he's not becoming a well-rounded person or experiencing things enough to find out what else is out there in life that isn't experienced on screen. Have you ever considered asking the school counselors, or a trusted teacher if there is one he likes and who seems to "get" him, how you might direct him toward some options that could interest him? And frankly at some point I would not be just directing or asking, I'd be telling -- as in, "You need volunteer hours for school so you will sign up for either X or Y on Saturday mornings for the next two months" or whatever. You won't be popular, and I would not drag him screaming somewhere but I'd be clear that he needs to choose something or you and dad will choose it for him, eventually. This answer won't be popular with the "let kids be kids" crowd here but then, neither is your original and good rule for your son.

[Anonymous]

PP here, adding to above -- I am not saying (as you mention) that you are a bad parent for allowing "so few interests." I'm just saying that other activities could expand his world and get him outside himself. I don't doubt he's a sweetheart, as you say, but by the time he goes to college, how much will he know about what else might interest him if he's never tried new things?