Honestly: is 41 too old to have a baby?

[Anonymous]

I had #4 at 43. I never felt judged by others, except the friends who were sincerely envious. Many women want more kids but are too afraid. It was an "oops" vs. conscious decision. If DH had asked, I would have said no way. I was shocked at how well the pregnancy went and weight loss after. I was in better condition than after #3. I had the 3 kids within 4 years, and that was more crazy! I could go on about how #4 changed our family, but I think the question asked is more about mom's age. If you are young at heart, baby will help keep you looking and feeling young. I also think the judging may depend on where you live. No one in DC judges, and most the moms of the preschool kids are my age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. OK so for all you posters who so passionately oppose older moms, what's worse: having an only child at 37, or giving that child a sibling when you are 41?

I'm one of the "don't do it" folks. In this case, honestly, you've already started the "older mom" process so the least you can do is provide a sibling so that your child will not be alone in having to deal with any health, financial, etc issues you may face as you age. I would imagine that unless you are extremely wealthy, this would be quite a burden for one child to handle, especially as it's possible that they will have a young family when you reach the point of possibly needing assistance.

LOL! So "don't do it, but since you already did it, do it"?

I think the mean-person thing you are supposed to do at this point is try and scare OP with tales of how her second is likely to be SN because she's so fucking old.

[Anonymous]

Had my second less than a month before I turned 41. Had an easy pregnancy and an easy delivery. I say do what is right for you and ignore the negative posters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid’s perspective. Mom was 40 and Dad was 45 when I was born.

Things I remember...

I knew/realized they were older, especially in the town where I grew up where older parents were quite uncommon. But age, in and of itself, did not seem to matter regarding day-to-day parenting.

My mom and dad had a terrible marriage; mom was deeply depressed and unhappy. However, I don't think their age impacted that based on reports from my much older siblings.

Had a wonderful relationship with my dad. I did always worry that he was "older," and that he would die “too soon.” (I was a worrier as a kid and still am.) Got really pissed a few times when I was young and people thought he was my grandpa. But in the grand scheme of parental relationships, I don't think these things were a big deal.

My dad died when I was 28. It was crushing and awful. I still miss him 12 years later. I wish he met my kids. But I wouldn't change who my dad was for anyone, and I certainly don't begrudge that he had me later in life. I'm so, so, so thankful for the 28 years I had with him.

At the end of the day if you love your kids while you are here, and give them the support and structure they need, I honestly don’t think 25 v. 35 v. 45 matters.

Ever occur to you that your mom was deeply depressed and unhappy because she had her kids so late in life and at that time cut off from her friends and relatives whose kids were grown and out of the nest. Do you think she wanted to be at an Elementary school PTA meeting when she was 50 and your dad 55?
Ever think your dear dad might have worked himself to death supporting you? Still with kids in high school at 65? Still paying for college in his late 60s? Sounds restful to me. No wonder he finally rested at age 73. Sounds like he just barely got you through college, assuming you did go to college. He had 5 years not supporting you! Dear old Dad and depressed old Mom!
No, age doesn't make a difference when all you think about is yourself.

Wow. My first DCUM drive-by. Thanks Internet Stranger!

My mom had children at 24, 26, 30 and 40. And as best I can tell from my relatives and even my mom’s own admission, her depression and unhappiness can be traced to her childhood which included an alcoholic, abusive parent; so your first theory doesn’t really hold true. And she never went to PTA meetings, but luckily my dad did. Again, we certainly had our issues, but my parents’ age when they had me did not seem to be a driving force behind them.

And I know my Dad would be chuckling if he could see your description of him. We had a close, wonderful, loving relationship. I know that in my heart, and I am so thankful (and lucky) for that. I’m sorry if you don’t think that would be possible simply because he was 45 when I was born, but I am quite secure in the knowledge that he had no regrets in having me (and certainly didn’t think in terms of the number of years when he “didn’t have to support me.”) He just wasn’t wired that way, thank God. I hope I am half the parent to my kids that he was to me.

Your descriptions of parenthood (resenting PTA meetings, being cut off from friends, resenting college payments) seem very focused on getting past parenthood and being freed from the obligations it brings. I would think anyone focused on these issues, at any age, may want to reconsider having kids. I have no idea what your situation is, but you seem to be projecting a lot of resentment onto my experiences based on no evidence. Seriously, what’s up with that?

Back to the OP, you sound thoughtful, reasonable and loving. If these things are true and you do decide to pursue this, I think that you can be a good parent at 41… and at the PTA meetings at 50… and at the high school graduation pushing 60…

[Anonymous]

It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

You know the child ages as well, right? There's nothing all that hard about having a 10 yr old when you're 50 or a 20 yr old when you're 60. Unless you don't want to, then don't, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

wow hellish? I had my daughter at 39 and I love her to peices and would change nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

You know the child ages as well, right? There's nothing all that hard about having a 10 yr old when you're 50 or a 20 yr old when you're 60. Unless you don't want to, then don't, of course.

One woman's hell is another's heaven. I'm in heaven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

You know the child ages as well, right? There's nothing all that hard about having a 10 yr old when you're 50 or a 20 yr old when you're 60. Unless you don't want to, then don't, of course.

One woman's hell is another's heaven. I'm in heaven.

Good for y'all, but when I'm 50+ I want my days of dealing with teenhood well behind me and look forward to being in a place where it's just about me and DH and spending time together. Different strokes, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

wow hellish? I had my daughter at 39 and I love her to peices and would change nothing.

I'm speaking for me, not you.

[Anonymous]

Shame all these people expect to be so tired and haggard when they are 50. You might want to eat better and exercise more. Oh, and stay out of the sun, because that will keep your botox bills down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

Sounds more hellish for the poor child with a parental attitude like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

wow hellish? I had my daughter at 39 and I love her to peices and would change nothing.

I'm speaking for me, not you.

Actually you are giving your opinion to OP. And its pretty negative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to have a child at 41 and quite another dealing with that same child at 50+. Sounds hellish.

You know the child ages as well, right? There's nothing all that hard about having a 10 yr old when you're 50 or a 20 yr old when you're 60. Unless you don't want to, then don't, of course.

One woman's hell is another's heaven. I'm in heaven.

Good for y'all, but when I'm 50+ I want my days of dealing with teenhood well behind me and look forward to being in a place where it's just about me and DH and spending time together. Different strokes, I guess.

Yup! And yours sounds pretty boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid’s perspective. Mom was 40 and Dad was 45 when I was born.

Things I remember...

I knew/realized they were older, especially in the town where I grew up where older parents were quite uncommon. But age, in and of itself, did not seem to matter regarding day-to-day parenting.

My mom and dad had a terrible marriage; mom was deeply depressed and unhappy. However, I don't think their age impacted that based on reports from my much older siblings.

Had a wonderful relationship with my dad. I did always worry that he was "older," and that he would die “too soon.” (I was a worrier as a kid and still am.) Got really pissed a few times when I was young and people thought he was my grandpa. But in the grand scheme of parental relationships, I don't think these things were a big deal.

My dad died when I was 28. It was crushing and awful. I still miss him 12 years later. I wish he met my kids. But I wouldn't change who my dad was for anyone, and I certainly don't begrudge that he had me later in life. I'm so, so, so thankful for the 28 years I had with him.

At the end of the day if you love your kids while you are here, and give them the support and structure they need, I honestly don’t think 25 v. 35 v. 45 matters.

Ever occur to you that your mom was deeply depressed and unhappy because she had her kids so late in life and at that time cut off from her friends and relatives whose kids were grown and out of the nest. Do you think she wanted to be at an Elementary school PTA meeting when she was 50 and your dad 55?
Ever think your dear dad might have worked himself to death supporting you? Still with kids in high school at 65? Still paying for college in his late 60s? Sounds restful to me. No wonder he finally rested at age 73. Sounds like he just barely got you through college, assuming you did go to college. He had 5 years not supporting you! Dear old Dad and depressed old Mom!
No, age doesn't make a difference when all you think about is yourself.

Wow. My first DCUM drive-by. Thanks Internet Stranger!

My mom had children at 24, 26, 30 and 40. And as best I can tell from my relatives and even my mom’s own admission, her depression and unhappiness can be traced to her childhood which included an alcoholic, abusive parent; so your first theory doesn’t really hold true. And she never went to PTA meetings, but luckily my dad did. Again, we certainly had our issues, but my parents’ age when they had me did not seem to be a driving force behind them.

And I know my Dad would be chuckling if he could see your description of him. We had a close, wonderful, loving relationship. I know that in my heart, and I am so thankful (and lucky) for that. I’m sorry if you don’t think that would be possible simply because he was 45 when I was born, but I am quite secure in the knowledge that he had no regrets in having me (and certainly didn’t think in terms of the number of years when he “didn’t have to support me.”) He just wasn’t wired that way, thank God. I hope I am half the parent to my kids that he was to me.

Your descriptions of parenthood (resenting PTA meetings, being cut off from friends, resenting college payments) seem very focused on getting past parenthood and being freed from the obligations it brings. I would think anyone focused on these issues, at any age, may want to reconsider having kids. I have no idea what your situation is, but you seem to be projecting a lot of resentment onto my experiences based on no evidence. Seriously, what’s up with that?

Back to the OP, you sound thoughtful, reasonable and loving. If these things are true and you do decide to pursue this, I think that you can be a good parent at 41… and at the PTA meetings at 50… and at the high school graduation pushing 60…

+1000
PP obviusly resents being parent.