Missing Auburn student in Japan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sad. Sometimes these things can be just an impulsive decision, which is frightening in and of itself.

If he bought a rope he's been planning it for a while.

Vacations are dangerous with deeply depressed people.

A vet we knew took his life on a Disneyworld trip...lots of people this year have done the same.

I went on a cruise several years ago and someone jumped off.

I think it’s because they feel like if they can’t feel happiness there, then they just can’t feel happy period. It just brings it all to a head.

Makes total sense. I always feel bad for the family. Usually the person masks very well or, in this case, it's a "child" with no choice and the family thinks it's helpful

[Anonymous]

Feel badly mostly for the brother who was the reason they went to Japan to celebrate his grades.

I find it odd parents were tracking a 20 year old so closely. In an interview they said they knew where he was at all times even when he was in Auburn. The quote was something like "we know where he is at and what he is doing at all times" because we are a close family.

I know some parents still have 360 or another tracking app on their 20 year olds but I would have hated that as a college student. I have a freshman in college and part of me of course would love to know what he is doing every hour of the day, but I have to trust in him and that he had a good upbringing and he will be fine. How can you learn to be independent if you are still being tracked by your parents when you are an adult?

Japan is one of the safest countries in the entire world. There is no reason to track your 20 year old there particularly since his parents describe him as a world traveler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.

I think it just exposes that there were signs. There always are. But the partner either shares some neurodiversity and/or tolerated or accepted the differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Thank you for this post. You just gave voice to something that has been present for a long time with my exH and it’s getting unbearable now that he’s in his 50s.

I had never made the connection and a light bulb went off when I read your post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.

PP here with the eerily similar exH. May I ask, what is your exes diagnosis? Because my ex refuses to be seen by a psychiatrist so the rest of us are in the dark

He also has a sibling who loses his shit on vacations

And to PP no obviously I wouldn’t have married someone like this, but the crazy didn’t manifest until a decade after we were introduced. Our early vacations in our 20s were quite fun.

[Anonymous]

New poster. My sibling has schizophrenia that went under the radar because he was very intelligent and highly educated. He had been a lot of fun before the onset, and we’d travelled across Europe together as teens. The disease presented as fixed delusions/obsessions, superstitions, mumbling to himself, odd behavior, mysterious writings and rants and erratic temper. So, in other words like schizophrenia that in hindsight I can’t believe we didn’t fully know, but he refused to go to the dr or acknowledge that he wasn’t well. Also over a slight disagreement, he would storm off saying he was going to k himself. I always had to walk on eggshells and my parents were always afraid he would do something rash like that to himself, but he was never exactly violent towards us. He is on mood stabilizers now and lives far away, but I am vary of visiting with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster. My sibling has schizophrenia that went under the radar because he was very intelligent and highly educated. He had been a lot of fun before the onset, and we’d travelled across Europe together as teens. The disease presented as fixed delusions/obsessions, superstitions, mumbling to himself, odd behavior, mysterious writings and rants and erratic temper. So, in other words like schizophrenia that in hindsight I can’t believe we didn’t fully know, but he refused to go to the dr or acknowledge that he wasn’t well. Also over a slight disagreement, he would storm off saying he was going to k himself. I always had to walk on eggshells and my parents were always afraid he would do something rash like that to himself, but he was never exactly violent towards us. He is on mood stabilizers now and lives far away, but I am vary of visiting with my kids.

My sibling also has schizophrenia but he was always off/different but never got any kind of diagnosis. There were definitely warning signs and red flags that he wasn't like other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feel badly mostly for the brother who was the reason they went to Japan to celebrate his grades.

I find it odd parents were tracking a 20 year old so closely. In an interview they said they knew where he was at all times even when he was in Auburn. The quote was something like "we know where he is at and what he is doing at all times" because we are a close family.

I know some parents still have 360 or another tracking app on their 20 year olds but I would have hated that as a college student. I have a freshman in college and part of me of course would love to know what he is doing every hour of the day, but I have to trust in him and that he had a good upbringing and he will be fine. How can you learn to be independent if you are still being tracked by your parents when you are an adult?

Japan is one of the safest countries in the entire world. There is no reason to track your 20 year old there particularly since his parents describe him as a world traveler.

Kids who've grown up sharing their GPS location simply don't care. Whether it's their parents, close friend group... or broader followers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster. My sibling has schizophrenia that went under the radar because he was very intelligent and highly educated. He had been a lot of fun before the onset, and we’d travelled across Europe together as teens. The disease presented as fixed delusions/obsessions, superstitions, mumbling to himself, odd behavior, mysterious writings and rants and erratic temper. So, in other words like schizophrenia that in hindsight I can’t believe we didn’t fully know, but he refused to go to the dr or acknowledge that he wasn’t well. Also over a slight disagreement, he would storm off saying he was going to k himself. I always had to walk on eggshells and my parents were always afraid he would do something rash like that to himself, but he was never exactly violent towards us. He is on mood stabilizers now and lives far away, but I am vary of visiting with my kids.

My sibling also has schizophrenia but he was always off/different but never got any kind of diagnosis. There were definitely warning signs and red flags that he wasn't like other people.

I have a friend whose sister was diagnosed with schizophrenia in her forties. She was always a bit quirky, but finally had a major episode which led to in-patient care and her diagnosis. It seems to be an illness that can go undiagnosed until later in life.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.

I think it just exposes that there were signs. There always are. But the partner either shares some neurodiversity and/or tolerated or accepted the differences.

I disagree. Many men are able to mask very well, especially when alcohol is involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feel badly mostly for the brother who was the reason they went to Japan to celebrate his grades.

I find it odd parents were tracking a 20 year old so closely. In an interview they said they knew where he was at all times even when he was in Auburn. The quote was something like "we know where he is at and what he is doing at all times" because we are a close family.

I know some parents still have 360 or another tracking app on their 20 year olds but I would have hated that as a college student. I have a freshman in college and part of me of course would love to know what he is doing every hour of the day, but I have to trust in him and that he had a good upbringing and he will be fine. How can you learn to be independent if you are still being tracked by your parents when you are an adult?

Japan is one of the safest countries in the entire world. There is no reason to track your 20 year old there particularly since his parents describe him as a world traveler.

Kids who've grown up sharing their GPS location simply don't care. Whether it's their parents, close friend group... or broader followers.

This is true. They are all tracking each other. I have had friends from other states call and say ask DD to look at snap chat and tell me where my DD is when they could not locate their child. This was for safety reasons, not to bust the kid for breaking the rules. We just want our kids to be safe and are not monitoring them at all times, but it is nice to have in case of emergency. I like being on life 360 myself because if something happens to me, my family will know quickly. I would not be comfortable sharing with friends who I might be telling I am busy when I am just sitting at home, but I am not lying to my family about where I am, so I like it. No one in my family is on there trying to bust one another. It is helpful while traveling and splitting up for periods, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.

PP here with the eerily similar exH. May I ask, what is your exes diagnosis? Because my ex refuses to be seen by a psychiatrist so the rest of us are in the dark

He also has a sibling who loses his shit on vacations

And to PP no obviously I wouldn’t have married someone like this, but the crazy didn’t manifest until a decade after we were introduced. Our early vacations in our 20s were quite fun.

ExDH: actual diagnosis from doctors was autism, ADHD, anxiety and depression. They were diagnosed first as ADHD, then they added autism, then a couple of years later added anxiety and depression. He got these diagnoses in his mid 30s and I still don’t know why he agreed to see doctors and go through with all the appointments, because he denied everything but adhd soon after. He appears to be developing early dementia which runs in the family. exSIL had a formal diagnosis of autism and borderline personality disorder (I think these occurred in the context of an involuntary hospitalization), and also appears to be developing early dementia.

I didn’t have confidence in any of the diagnosis and at the same time I believe all of them. For a while I thought I could research my way out of this and it seems like there is a lot we don’t know about how these diagnoses intersect. I think it’s most likely that these are multiple accurate diagnoses but in total they are something else altogether.

I’m sorry for anyone going through this. It is lonely, especially with the criticism and second-guessing when and if consequences occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children?

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.

I think it just exposes that there were signs. There always are. But the partner either shares some neurodiversity and/or tolerated or accepted the differences.

I disagree. Many men are able to mask very well, especially when alcohol is involved.

This is true. I should have been alert to the drinking as part of the masking but in my case we were young and our group of friends during and after law school were very social and it was a time in life where everything revolved around socializing that involved drinking. At dry or outdoorsy or kid-focused events my exDH was often “off” but he would say he was tired or had a migraine or it was too loud or he had to send a work email and honestly that all made more sense than thinking “maybe this is a burgeoning mental illness that I’ve ignored up to now.”