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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][twitter][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is so sad. My exDH and his sister were similar, although their health issues escalated closer to midlife. Vacations were high-stress triggers for both of them. exSIL would frequently unilaterally cancel family vacations or disappear during them from the time she was in HS. exDh would disappear on our family vacations on “walks” or sort of go on strike during them and park himself somewhere that wasn’t our destination for the day or he would just retreat to the hotel. The latter was always the best case scenario.

It think it is a way of trying to cope with 
the level of flexibility required to participate in a family vacation, and how that collides with neurodivergence and mental health issues and actual capacity for that coping.

I feel terribly for this family because it’s an impossible dynamic to explain to outsiders. During our divorce it was difficult to get anyone to understand the safety issues this behavior posed for our kids, and even more difficult to get things in place legally to prevent them from being involved in one of these escalations  [/quote]

Did you never go on vacations with your ex prior to having children? [/quote]

This is a commonly asked question on the relationship forum as a means to indict a partner left in the dark about mental health rather than the partner with mental health issues.

We did go on vacations before children but they were often of a group trip kind or for weddings where there was enough pressure to conform and preform that he did. And his family’s mental health issues really creep in at 35/40, not 25. I also didn’t know the family lore about his sister until much later and well after children.[/quote]

I think it just exposes that there were signs. There always are. But the partner either shares some neurodiversity and/or tolerated or accepted the differences. [/quote]

I disagree. Many men are able to mask very well, especially when alcohol is involved.[/quote]

This is true. I should have been alert to the drinking as part of the masking but in my case we were young and our group of friends during and after law school were very social and it was a time in life where everything revolved around socializing that involved drinking. At dry or outdoorsy or kid-focused events my exDH was often “off” but he would say he was tired or had a migraine or it was too loud or he had to send a work email and honestly that all made more sense than thinking “maybe this is a burgeoning mental illness that I’ve ignored up to now.”[/quote]

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