If you don't want sex, then shouldn't YOU be the one to leave and divorce?

[Anonymous]

Why did OP ask a question just to argue with anyone who isn't giving them the answer they were looking for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

I know I agree. So if it's about all of those wonderful things other than sex, than him having sex with someone else and coming home to you where you enjoy this wonderful life together, is not a big deal. It's just another thing to outsource, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Women expect men to do many things in marriages than men don't do. Read the millions and milions of pages on this website about those unmet expectations. But when sex is concerned, now expectation equals force. Interesting. Lol.

So divorce him or outsource.

Ofcourse. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. If your unmet expectations/cons outweigh the met expectations/pros, file for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No matter who decides, the marriage is over so, really, who gives F who "decides"??

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

I know I agree. So if it's about all of those wonderful things other than sex, than him having sex with someone else and coming home to you where you enjoy this wonderful life together, is not a big deal. It's just another thing to outsource, right?

DP.

Bring satisfied by other things in marriage does not equal a wonderful marriage. One is not necessarily "enjoying" the marriage if the marriage is good enough. That is some childish thinking, buddy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

So do you despise everyone you don't want to sleep with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

I know I agree. So if it's about all of those wonderful things other than sex, than him having sex with someone else and coming home to you where you enjoy this wonderful life together, is not a big deal. It's just another thing to outsource, right?

DP.

Bring satisfied by other things in marriage does not equal a wonderful marriage. One is not necessarily "enjoying" the marriage if the marriage is good enough. That is some childish thinking, buddy.

OK. well than clearly anything goes if the marriage is just meh.

I literally have no idea what you just tried to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wild post.

You’re framing this like there are two equally sneaky contract violations happening:

Spouse A says, “I don’t want sex anymore.”
Spouse B says, “Cool, I’ll outsource it.”

And you’re asking why only #2 gets torched. Here’s why.

Refusing sex is about what someone does with their own body. Cheating is about what someone does with the **shared agreement** of the marriage.

No one is obligated to provide sex to keep their marriage valid. Full stop. Even in a perfectly healthy, boring, middle-class, carpool-driving life. You don’t get conjugal rights because you’re annoyed.

But you are obligated not to lie and sneak around if you agreed to monogamy.

Those are not parallel actions.

Now, if one spouse decides they don’t want sex ever again? That absolutely changes the marriage. It may be devastating. It may be unfair. It may mean the relationship can’t continue.

But the honest response to a deal-breaker is:
“I can’t live like this. We need to fix this, open this, or end this.”

Not:
“I’ll quietly violate the agreement and call it integrity.”

You’re also assuming that the person who doesn’t want sex has “broken” the contract and therefore must be the one to file. That’s not how this works. People’s libidos change. Bodies change. Trauma happens. Aging happens. Hormones shift. Desire is not a lifetime guarantee baked into the vows.

Marriage isn’t a sexual service subscription.

If sex is essential to you (totally valid), then you’re the one who decides it’s a deal-breaker and you leave. That’s not punishment. That’s agency.

And the “just sex fling that doesn’t threaten the marriage” line is classic DCUM magical thinking. Affairs absolutely threaten marriages. Secrets rot things from the inside. Even if you swear you’ll never leave.

If you want an open marriage? Negotiate one.
If you want monogamy with sex? Say so.
If you’re sexually incompatible? Divorce.

But the idea that someone “owes” you sex or else they should be the one to file is just resentment dressed up as logic.

No one owes sex.
Everyone owes honesty.

Yes, they are. Normal people would reject what you say in bold.

Agree. There is something called the consummation of marriage for a reason.

If your entire argument rests on medieval property law and the word “consummation,” you might want to sit with that.

No one owes you lifetime sexual access. That's not what marriage is, full stop, and it disregards all of the very valid biological changes that happen as we all age that may impact someone's libido.
If sex is non-negotiable for you, you leave. You don’t outsource it in secret and call it moral high ground.

I agree. Full disclosure, I cheated for a while and then realized it wasn't honest. My husband tried to argue that sex a handful of times a year still counted. Painful for both of us. But in the end he's happily single and I'm happily involved with someone more aligned to my temperament. Don't gloss over how hard it is to divorce over sex even if the marriage is blah but not horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

So do you despise everyone you don't want to sleep with?

Again, I have no idea what you're even talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

So do you despise everyone you don't want to sleep with?

Let me expand on this: Some women need to be "wooed" in order to get wet for you. Most men know, and they pull all the stops to get a woman. They are assertive, caring, attentive, empathetic, sympathetic etc. When they get in, now it's time to play little boy -- they found their maid or their new mom. No care, no empathy. Woman can get wet fantasizing, but cannot get wet for you. And you refuse to try harder. You'd rather cry about being forced into a sexless marriage.

Well, by your definition of "forced", many women are being forced into an emotionally lacking marriage. Luckily for women, they can often get some emotional support from friends and family, so they redirect. It's not the same, but some manage. Others divorce. If men cannot get some sexual pleasure from masturbation, and this is a deal breaker, they can file for divorce, just like many women do for other issues. Or, they can try harder if they want to stay.

Of course this is not always the case in sexkess marriages. But it is in some.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a conflict over where we are going to live. I really want to leave our current city and move somewhere else. I have multiple reasons for this. He doesn't want to go. I can't make him.

It's frustrating, of course. I sometimes get upset with is immovability on this point, and I think his arguments for staying are weak. But I also recognize it's just part of who he is. Especially as he's gotten older, he doesn't like change. He used to be more adventurous and flexible, now he's more cautious and inflexible. It's frustrating but that is marriage sometimes, especially as you get older. In some ways we've grown closer together, but in this specific way we've grown further apart. It's something we're navigating.

If it ever got to the point where I just absolutely could not live here anymore, and he still wasn't willing to move, we could divorce. I'd really prefer not to, I want him to want to come with me. But if things really just got intolerable, I guess that's something we'd have to consider. I know he doesn't want to divorce either. But he also doesn't want to move. Ach, it's hard.

I guess I could propose for him a compromise, where I move away and he stays here. I couldn't afford a place elsewhere without selling our home here, but maybe I could find a man in another city who would be willing to buy a home with me. Not for sex, just for finances. Maybe a man who is in a similar situation to me -- loves his wife but wants to move and she just refuses. I could take half of the savings I have with my husband, and this guy could take half of the savings he has with his wife, and we could go in on a condo in Chicago or a little bungalow in Austin.

I mean, our spouses can't complain. We wouldn't be cheating on them -- it's totally non-sexual. And I really, really want to move. It's not fair for my husband to just refuse to move and then get mad when I find someone else willing to move instead, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

So do you despise everyone you don't want to sleep with?

Again, I have no idea what you're even talking about.

You can like someone and not want to have sex with them. You don't have to despise them. In fact you can love someone, accept their shortcomings as unintentional, enjoy their company and still not want to have sex with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

So do you despise everyone you don't want to sleep with?

Let me expand on this: Some women need to be "wooed" in order to get wet for you. Most men know, and they pull all the stops to get a woman. They are assertive, caring, attentive, empathetic, sympathetic etc. When they get in, now it's time to play little boy -- they found their maid or their new mom. No care, no empathy. Woman can get wet fantasizing, but cannot get wet for you. And you refuse to try harder. You'd rather cry about being forced into a sexless marriage.

Well, by your definition of "forced", many women are being forced into an emotionally lacking marriage. Luckily for women, they can often get some emotional support from friends and family, so they redirect. It's not the same, but some manage. Others divorce. If men cannot get some sexual pleasure from masturbation, and this is a deal breaker, they can file for divorce, just like many women do for other issues. Or, they can try harder if they want to stay.

Of course this is not always the case in sexkess marriages. But it is in some.

Poor you. No agency or a mind of your own to divorce or ask for different things. Life is so incredibly hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marriage is more than just sex.

Of course, marriage is about more than sex. So if your DH said to you, "I love you and want to stay married, but sex is very important to me. Since you decided it's no longer something you want to do, I'm going to find someone to satisfy me sexually outside of our marriage." That would be totally ok with you, right?

If my spouse told me he wanted to have sex with people outside our marriage, I would tell him that wasn't okay with him, but if that's what he really wanted, then we could get divorced.

Look, if you are unhappy with your sex life in your marriage, you have three options:
(1) Divorce
(2) Discuss opening the marriage with your spouse, and do that if you both agree
(3) Accept it

These might fee like inadequate solutions, I get it. But those are really the only ethical options. Some of you seem to think there are additional options, but sorry, these just aren't ethical. These are:

(4) Cheat
(5) Somehow force your partner to have sex with you?? I never understand this.

The rest of us are never going to condone 4-5, sorry. 1-3 are all fine with me, do whatever makes the most sense for you.

Did you even read what I wrote? Asking your spouse to open up the marriage is one of your solutions, yet somehow, you'd divorce over it. Make it make sense.

What you described wasn't asking. It was dictating. If your spouse doesn't agree to it, you have to get divorced or accept the sexless marriage. You can't force your spouse to accept you sleeping with other people. That's not one of the options.

And what is it called if one spouse unilaterally decides to stop having sex?

Oh my god this has been explained multiple times.

The marriage vows don't include a vow to have sex with each other forever even if one person doesn't want to and it's physically painful or upsetting to them.

Marriage vows do generally include a provision to be faithful to one another.

So the person deciding not to have sex anymore is exercising normal agency over their body, but the person choosing to have sex with people outside the marriage without the consent of their spouse is cheating. Both acts might feel hurtful and might lead to divorce, but only one is unethical and a breach of marriage vows.

There is absolutely nothing unethical about expressing to your spouse, who decided unilaterally that sex is off the table, that sex is important to you and that you are not ok with never having sex again. There is something morally repugnant and very unethical about making that decision for someone else 20 years down the road and expecting them to just comply because sex is not important to you. No one is talking about forcing you to have sex. No normal human being wants to have sex with another person who is not into it. Just like you shouldn't be forced to have sex, a person in a normal, healthy marriage shouldn't be FORCED to be celibate by staying married to you.

FILE FOR DiVORCE. No one is forcing anyone to stay married. How can someone making a de cision not to have sex with you be making the decision for your body? They are making it for theirs. If you don't like it, you have the right to divorce them.

OMG you can't be this stupid. OF COURSE ONE CAN FILE FOR DIVORCE!!! See I can yell too.

The point is your hypocrisy. You said there is more to marriage than sex, but apparently, for you, there isn't if you are quick to divorce over your husband having sex with someone else.

You are arguing with multiple PPs. I think marriage is more than sex. But if someone ever suggested that I was forcing them to not have sex because I did not want to sleep with them, I'd tell them to go eff themselves.

If you expect them to stay married to you and not have sex with anyone else, you are absolutely forcing them. I guess you'd rather be divorced which is fine. Just don't tell me how there is more to marrige than sex, then.

Another new person you're arguing with here.

Marriage is absolutely more than sex. If you reduce my role in my marriage to intercourse only, we have a massive misalignment on values and relationship. It would stop being about sex the second you reduced me to a set of holes and would start being about respect. There is absolutely more to marriage than sex until YOU make it only about the sex that's happening. You did that. Your low drive spouse is apparently satisfied by the other things in the marriage. You are the one making it only about sex.

Another PP.

And it will be a mistake to assume that spouse who does not want sex is low drive. They may just be tired of dealing with someone who is not meeting other non-sexual expectations and decide that using a vibrator is less drama.

So staying married to someone you despise is ethical?

So do you despise everyone you don't want to sleep with?

Again, I have no idea what you're even talking about.

You can like someone and not want to have sex with them. You don't have to despise them. In fact you can love someone, accept their shortcomings as unintentional, enjoy their company and still not want to have sex with them.

The mental gymnastics are giving you a wonderful workout for the day. A person who decides unilaterally that sex is off limits knowing it's important to their marriage, most certainly despises their spouse.