Question for moms: did going part-time solve your work-life balance problem?

[Anonymous]

It's hard to make the math work. I work 20 hours a week, but the loss in income means we can't outsource as much. Not outsourcing childcare is the whole point, but that time with my kids is not conducive to getting housework or admin done, and we can't afford to just outsource this to housecleaners or others because my income is so much less.

I basically feel like I should be doing something at all times, it's hard for me to get downtime to do stuff like the gym or meet up with friends. Even in the evening, because that's when I wind up doing stuff like cleaning, organizing, dealing with paperwork.

I go through phases where I try to use the time between work and school pick up to do things for myself, and this is nice. But when I do that, the house devolves into messiness and disorganization, a lot of tasks get pushed off or not done (home repair projects, vacation planning, etc.). My husband is not a bum -- he cooks, he does pick up and drop of a couple days a week, he's an active and involved dad, he does laundry. It's not like he dumps everything on me. There's just so much, and I'm the one who is home more so a lot of it falls to me.

I sometimes think it would be logistically easier to go back to full time and just outsource more -- weekly cleaners and I don't clean at all in between, rely on meal prep services or take out more, outsource certain household tasks like organizing and planning. But outsourcing all that would eat up the entire difference between my current income and what I'd make full time. So there would be no financial benefit. It might be more personally satisfying. But it would mean less time with my kids, which I do currently find satisfying.

Families basically have four jobs that must be done: making money, caring for children, caring for the home, meeting adult needs (for socializing, intimacy, downtime, exercise etc.). Most parents I know just aren't giving that fourth one their all, we're all just scraping by there whether we work or not, full time or part time. The other three have to be allocated between two people but honestly, they are all full time jobs. And most families need more than one income so that one is more than full time.

The math just doesn't add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always been part time hourly averaging 16-24 hours since kids, but occasionally have to work 40 hours for a few weeks and end up feeling very disconnected from family life and family members.

My work has been different at different times. It's easier when the work is individual contributor with your own known and discrete tasks with a lot of flexibility as to when they happen as long as they are done on time. This makes it easier to work a set limited schedule because you can plan it so almost nothing has to be done urgently.

It's harder when the nature of the work is meetings and collaboration and unpredictable quick turnaround things. The flexibility to attend to family logistics ends up being not necessarily on my schedule. Some of this is based on which work I prefer. I'd rather do work I like on a schedule that varies from zero to 40+ hours on any given week. Others might prefer the same limited hours every day or week. There's also seasonality with the fiscal year and other things, so I generally know when I'll be more or less busy.

I'm the PP and was thinking about OP's question again. She didn't really define what work-life balance is to her. For me, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm getting everything done, but what PT does mean is I have space to think a lot of the time and I'm doing a number of things that are important to me.

For me, that's helping elderly family members, volunteering at school, attending certain activities with my kids, and a few other things. I'm also making enough money to fund some goals that I value.

It doesn't mean everything is perfect or always non-stressful. It means that I prefer this mix of hours at a job I like, income, and what I do outside of work to working FT and having more money but less time for things I value.

[Anonymous]

My kids are teens now, but for me the answer was no. I wanted to prove myself and so I often worked more than I was being paid for and it was really stressful.

Fortunately, what worked for me was about 12 years ago I found a hybrid job. They were very telework friendly and I would work from home 2 to 3 days a week and that’s how I was able to find the balance I needed.

When the pandemic hit, I ended up getting a new job that’s pretty much fully remote and my husband is now hybrid so it’s easier for him to help out with things as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to make the math work. I work 20 hours a week, but the loss in income means we can't outsource as much. Not outsourcing childcare is the whole point, but that time with my kids is not conducive to getting housework or admin done, and we can't afford to just outsource this to housecleaners or others because my income is so much less.

I basically feel like I should be doing something at all times, it's hard for me to get downtime to do stuff like the gym or meet up with friends. Even in the evening, because that's when I wind up doing stuff like cleaning, organizing, dealing with paperwork.

I go through phases where I try to use the time between work and school pick up to do things for myself, and this is nice. But when I do that, the house devolves into messiness and disorganization, a lot of tasks get pushed off or not done (home repair projects, vacation planning, etc.). My husband is not a bum -- he cooks, he does pick up and drop of a couple days a week, he's an active and involved dad, he does laundry. It's not like he dumps everything on me. There's just so much, and I'm the one who is home more so a lot of it falls to me.

I sometimes think it would be logistically easier to go back to full time and just outsource more -- weekly cleaners and I don't clean at all in between, rely on meal prep services or take out more, outsource certain household tasks like organizing and planning. But outsourcing all that would eat up the entire difference between my current income and what I'd make full time. So there would be no financial benefit. It might be more personally satisfying. But it would mean less time with my kids, which I do currently find satisfying.

Families basically have four jobs that must be done: making money, caring for children, caring for the home, meeting adult needs (for socializing, intimacy, downtime, exercise etc.). Most parents I know just aren't giving that fourth one their all, we're all just scraping by there whether we work or not, full time or part time. The other three have to be allocated between two people but honestly, they are all full time jobs. And most families need more than one income so that one is more than full time.

The math just doesn't add up.

I like the way you laid this out. I think one of my biggest problems is I struggle with outsourcing, which is really the only way to solve this is you have a spouse who works a lot. A big part of why I have continued to work is I feel like staying at home would result in my husband doing zero actual childcare (he would definitely still hang out with the kids when it was convenient but having even a few hours a week where it is actually him in charge because I’m totally gone is helpful in keeping him from being a Disney dad.

I really wish I could figure out how to outsource more of the house stuff. I find it so stressful to have people in my house doing a subpar job I don’t do much of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to make the math work. I work 20 hours a week, but the loss in income means we can't outsource as much. Not outsourcing childcare is the whole point, but that time with my kids is not conducive to getting housework or admin done, and we can't afford to just outsource this to housecleaners or others because my income is so much less.

I basically feel like I should be doing something at all times, it's hard for me to get downtime to do stuff like the gym or meet up with friends. Even in the evening, because that's when I wind up doing stuff like cleaning, organizing, dealing with paperwork.

I go through phases where I try to use the time between work and school pick up to do things for myself, and this is nice. But when I do that, the house devolves into messiness and disorganization, a lot of tasks get pushed off or not done (home repair projects, vacation planning, etc.). My husband is not a bum -- he cooks, he does pick up and drop of a couple days a week, he's an active and involved dad, he does laundry. It's not like he dumps everything on me. There's just so much, and I'm the one who is home more so a lot of it falls to me.

I sometimes think it would be logistically easier to go back to full time and just outsource more -- weekly cleaners and I don't clean at all in between, rely on meal prep services or take out more, outsource certain household tasks like organizing and planning. But outsourcing all that would eat up the entire difference between my current income and what I'd make full time. So there would be no financial benefit. It might be more personally satisfying. But it would mean less time with my kids, which I do currently find satisfying.

Families basically have four jobs that must be done: making money, caring for children, caring for the home, meeting adult needs (for socializing, intimacy, downtime, exercise etc.). Most parents I know just aren't giving that fourth one their all, we're all just scraping by there whether we work or not, full time or part time. The other three have to be allocated between two people but honestly, they are all full time jobs. And most families need more than one income so that one is more than full time.

The math just doesn't add up.

I like the way you laid this out. I think one of my biggest problems is I struggle with outsourcing, which is really the only way to solve this is you have a spouse who works a lot. A big part of why I have continued to work is I feel like staying at home would result in my husband doing zero actual childcare (he would definitely still hang out with the kids when it was convenient but having even a few hours a week where it is actually him in charge because I’m totally gone is helpful in keeping him from being a Disney dad.

I really wish I could figure out how to outsource more of the house stuff. I find it so stressful to have people in my house doing a subpar job I don’t do much of it.

People always say "just outsource more" but it's not straightforward. Outsourcing is not a set it and forget it activity. We have landscapers, for instance, but they are terrible. We have been through four landscapers in four years. They always do a great job the first time out and then within four months they are just barely phoning it in. I'll ask them to please do things that were obviously in the scope what we originally hired them for (like clean out leaves and stuff under the steps, or get rid of the ivy that is attacking our front shrubs) and suddenly they'll want to charge more for it. I once had a landscaper's pricing for the same activity increase from $250 to $600 over the course of 8 months. That's so stressful and frustrating, at that point I just want to do it myself. But there's no time. Anyway, we spend thousands a year on landscaping, I wind up devoting a lot of time to trying to manage the landscapers or finding a new one, and our yard looks subpar anyway. That's what outsourcing looks like a lot of the time.

Also some things cannot be outsourced. I can't outsource working out, or planning grandparent visits. Some stuff you have to do yourself.